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When will they stop arguing?

(83 Posts)
FoofLeakage Sat 17-Dec-16 00:11:59

I've been with OH for almost a year. OH and his ex separated spring 2015. Their divorce has been long and full of mutual sniping, bickering, court cases (occupation order, child access, non-molestation orders). They slag each other off.

It's stressful to watch.

She files court cases against him monthly, and she calls the police on him for the slightest thing (e.g. bumping into each other in the street).

I feel like an accessory to some bizarre sitcom.

Veteran stepmums out there, tell me, when can I expect this to calm down? I split with my ex a year ago and we are now completely neutral towards each other. When spend so much time, energy and bitterness on someone from the past?

FoofLeakage Sat 17-Dec-16 00:13:46

*When = Why

PenguinsandPebbles Sat 17-Dec-16 00:21:11

Sounds like you both jumped into this relationship pretty quickly after the break up of your and the separation of his.

If children are involved and it is very early days for him, you need to take a step back and he needs to stop involving you in the drama of his divorce.

FoofLeakage Sat 17-Dec-16 00:27:24

I met him a year after his separation. Is that too quick?

FoofLeakage Sat 17-Dec-16 00:31:13

you need to take a step back

Can you give examples?

he needs to stop involving you in the drama of his divorce

He is currently getting kicked out of his home (consequently the home I spend most of my time in) because she got an occupation order; this has been a huge upheaval to our blended family. Was there anyway he could have protected me from this? I don't think so.

PenguinsandPebbles Sat 17-Dec-16 00:39:56

You need to give more details I think, for anyone to give you advise

I'm a "step"parent by the way, my DP is the residential parent.

But to me that sounds like a massive change for the children involved. Split up a year ago, you have been together a year, you live in the family home?

How are you a blended family within a year?

RubyWinterstorm Sat 17-Dec-16 08:37:00

Gosh OP, this sounds so tough

From your OP it does not sound like it is anywhere near "over", sadly

neonrainbow Sat 17-Dec-16 08:41:26

This won't get better. Id have to say walk away. Being a stepmum is stressful enough at times when everything is fairly amicable and on an even keel.

tattychicken Sat 17-Dec-16 08:44:57

If his ex got a non molestation order against him then I would question if he was the sort of guy I wanted to be with. And "bumping" into her in town, and her calling the police, sounds like he was breaching that order.

ChuckGravestones Sat 17-Dec-16 08:47:01

Stop spending time in that house, and let them get on with it. Step back until it is calmer and by then you might have found a new partner who doesn't have so much going on and can focus on a proper grown up relationship.

lookatyourwatchnow Sat 17-Dec-16 08:47:04

You should walk away. You and your DC have been dragged into a mess, which nobody will be able to give you the end date for.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Certainly not your DC's circus.

gingina Sat 17-Dec-16 11:30:44

Non molestation orders aren't just handed out without reason. I'd be looking at the way he is behaving (and has behaved) towards his ex.
It sounds like there is too much unfinished business between them for you to be a blended family yet.
My DP is only just on speaking terms with his ex after 8 years!!!

FoofLeakage Sat 17-Dec-16 13:14:27

The non molestation order was thrown out of court. It was never granted.

Why are they still bickering and sniping at each other after this long? I asked OH why and all he says is that his ex is crazy (typical response).

satinthedark Sat 17-Dec-16 13:40:17

They split up in spring ( apr-may 2015) and 18 months later there are still issues, not surprising. Really depends on the circumstances of the split, who wanted it, was it mutual, who had the affair, who got chucked out of the house( sounds like she did with the kids) finances etc.

Sounds like it was one sided and the other is trying to come to terms with it.

Rather than sounding quite so condescending why not look at the reasons for the split and why the animosity. It is lovely you have had such an easy time - most people do not.

FoofLeakage Sat 17-Dec-16 13:42:54

btw I have absolutely nothing to do with their divorce. They split a year before I even knew OH existed.

FoofLeakage Sat 17-Dec-16 13:46:13

"Really depends on the circumstances of the split, who wanted it, was it mutual, who had the affair, who got chucked out of the house( sounds like she did with the kids) finances etc"

Thanks. Very interesting. No one had an affair AFAIK. Do you think one still has feelings for the other? She's made his life hell with court and police - that doesn't sound like the behaviour of someone maintaining loving feelings. Am I being naive?

gingina Sat 17-Dec-16 13:53:05

Love and hate are two sides of the same coin.
It's when you don't feel anything for the other party that you are truly over them.

FoofLeakage Sat 17-Dec-16 13:56:19

It's when you don't feel anything for the other party that you are truly over them.

Amen to that.

That would explain why I feel neutral towards my ex.

I'm trying to suggest Relate to OH. He's not buying it.

xTinkerBella Sat 17-Dec-16 16:30:06

OP I can't offer any advice except I'm in the same situation. We got together a year after they broke up! That's more than long enough for the dust to settle.

Constant arguments and being around two people with such hatred is hard. sad

FoofLeakage Sat 17-Dec-16 16:38:54

That's more than long enough for the dust to settle.


What's your setup? Are you living with him? Are children involved? Who does most of the sniping?

xTinkerBella Sat 17-Dec-16 16:45:24

We've met a year after they broke up and we've been together six months now. I haven't met his child yet but he has plans for me too.

We don't formally live together, I have my own house and he stays here every night (that's how he wants it to be and I'm happy with that) except the two nights in the week when his DD stays at his.

His ex knows about us, at first was fine but now is getting progressively worse and going a bit mental. He tries to keep the peace though.

Constant messages, calls, digs about her being funnier than me (she's never met me) and that she is telling their DD that he is dead. It's her that does the sniping, she'll text at ridiculous times and tbh I'm getting fed up with it all. We had my Xmas work party the other night, a formal meal and speech and he spent the majority of the night on the phone to her bickering.

It's so drainingsad

Everytimeref Sat 17-Dec-16 17:08:14

I met my husband 6 months after he discovered his ex wife's affair. They had separated sold the family home. Bought their own properties but not actually divorced. Truthfully if I had know how much stress would be involved in the actual divorce I think I would have walked away. It took nearly 3 years to sort everything out and probably another year of grief from her regarding the children.
We have been together 7 years and it's much easier and less stressful but there is still the occasional stressful moments!

FoofLeakage Sat 17-Dec-16 18:45:35

I just want to be part of a family without an ex hanging around. How unreasonable is that??

Everytimeref Sat 17-Dec-16 19:02:13

Unfortunately until the children are adults the ex will always feature in some way but in my experience it does get easier!

Wallywobbles Sat 17-Dec-16 19:06:47

Until the divorce actually happens no one can make a clean start. In our case that was 4 years after she moved out of the family home and three years after we met. Unless he is really worth it...... I'd say move on.

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