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Selfish to ask for own space in own home??!

(138 Posts)
Chesca345 Mon 05-Dec-16 23:21:52

My other half's 5yo daughter comes to stay with us every other weekend and it's killing me! We've been together 2 years, she's been coming over for just over a year. He completely dotes on her every move and she can do no wrong in his eyes (he's still feeling mega guilty for leaving her when he ended his relationship).

I have no kids of my own so I find the whole experience of suddenly having a small child in the house pretty full-on at the best of times but one thing that is completely stressing me out more than anything else is that in the mornings as soon as she wakes up she's allowed to come and get into bed with us.

It sounds trivial but it's a time when I just need my own space. I sleep naked and would like the simple decency of being able to get up and put clothes on and then invite her into the room when I'm good and ready. I spend the whole weekend doing things with her, I just want 30 mins of 'me time' first thing!

We're usually pretty good at working through problems and finding compromises, but he just can't understand how I could be so callous as to want to tell her she can't come in until she's invited.

His side of the argument is that this time is really precious to him and he doesn't want to miss out on any of it.

He doesn't seem to realise/give a shit (not sure which yet) about how upset this is making me, and only cares about not upsetting his daughter.

Normally we have such a close loving relationship but whenever she's here I feel completely invisible and unimportant, like I'm just a spare part.

I'm starting to resent her being around which is going to cause all sorts of problems if we don't get this fixed. Please help??!

Casmama Mon 05-Dec-16 23:28:04

He needs to get up as soon as she does and take her downstairs to make breakfast- maybe something exciting like pancakes- whilst letting you have a bit of a lie in. That gives you space withou her feeling rejected which is very important.

BubbleGumBubble Mon 05-Dec-16 23:36:04

Its every ither weekend OP.

You have 12 days out of 14 to wander around naked it is really that hard to not do it for 2 the mornings she is there?

Normally we have such a close loving relationship but whenever she's here I feel completely invisible and unimportant, like I'm just a spare part.

This is the real issue. Not the mornings. You resent her.

AndNowItsSeven Mon 05-Dec-16 23:39:10

Just throw on a dressing gown. Why did you have a relationship with a man who had a child if you wanted to be number one? You never will be.

NiceFalafels Mon 05-Dec-16 23:40:13

Yes he should take her down stairs and make breakfast.

However I think it's fine for her to come into the bedroom. She's only 5

ExitPursuedBySantaSpartacus Mon 05-Dec-16 23:41:59


Tootsiepops Mon 05-Dec-16 23:45:21

She's only little, op sad

I feel quite sad for her. Can't you sleep in a nightshirt or pjs when you know she's going to be getting in to bed with you? It can't be very often if she's only staying EOW.

I love having bed cuddles with my toddler - I'd not swap them for anything or any person on this earth.

Are you resentful of her?

JenLindleyShitMom Mon 05-Dec-16 23:45:43

He needs to get up and be with her in the kitchen/living room.

I don't like my DC coming into my bed on weekend mornings. If I'm in bed I'm sleeping which means be quiet!

m0therofdragons Mon 05-Dec-16 23:46:02

Wow, you are really not cut out for being a step mother. Man dotes on child? Of course he bloody should. His dd should be the most important person and if you can't deal with being second then leave. Poor dc has experienced her parents separating and now her dad's girlfriend is begrudging her every other weekend with her dad.

AyeAmarok Mon 05-Dec-16 23:47:02

If you need to be put first at all times, you shouldn't be able in a relationship with someone who has children.

Could your DP or you sleep in a spare room on the nights she's with you so she can get into bed with him but not you?

Actually, your op has a slightly weird turf-marking feel to it.

Casmama Mon 05-Dec-16 23:47:04

Sorry just reread this- I don't think you should tell her that she can't come into the room unless invited as that is pretty callous but I do think it is up to your dp to ensure that he then takes her out again.

Bloodybloodyheckers Mon 05-Dec-16 23:48:02

If I do end up divorced I hope to god he finds a nicer woman than you.

She's 5, 5 year olds like the comfort of a parents bed, making her wait "to be invited" would make her feel that separation and "otherness" that would make it really clear it's not her home, she isn't wanted. You can surely sleep in a vest and pants for a couple of nights a fortnight??

Or if not It's 2 days out of 14 why don't you just go to a friends and let him be a father for a while?

Or better yet, get together with someone who can love and adore you at all times and has no children?

Ledehe Mon 05-Dec-16 23:49:41

Why did you start a relationship and move in with a man who had a child? Did you not expect him to see her?

DailyMailCrap Mon 05-Dec-16 23:51:43

My neice still does this when she's around but dsd has stopped. Just sleep with some clothes on that weekend.Problem solved.

you resenting her is a serious problem though. She will always come first she's his dd.

Middleoftheroad Mon 05-Dec-16 23:55:15

My kids are 10 and still barge in!
What's space when it's at home?
Wouldn't trade it for the world though.
Can't help but feel for the little girl in this scenario.

Finola1step Mon 05-Dec-16 23:58:23

In all honesty, cut your losses. I know that sounds really harsh and I apologise for the abrupt tone. But this is nothing to do with you sleeping naked, the dd coming into your room, 30 minutes me time. You want the relationship that you think you have when she is not there. So when she is, the child is an inconvenience to be put up with until you can return to your status quo.

There is nothing wrong in saying that you don't want to be a SM to someone else's kid. But it is wrong to stay and resent a 5 year old.

MycatsaPirate Tue 06-Dec-16 00:03:31

Wear pjs when she's there.

Accept that the nicest thing in the world when you are a child is getting into bed for a cuddle with your parents.

My DD2 would often come into bed with me and dp when she was 6/7 years old because she loves having a cuddle or she had had a bad dream and dp wouldn't dream of telling me to send her back to her own bed.

I think you need to understand that 5 is very little still. She will be his priority when she's there because she's a child. And you are an adult.

HeddaGarbled Tue 06-Dec-16 00:11:31

It won't kill you to wear pyjamas or a nightie two nights out of every 14.

I do think it is OK for you to have your own space at some point during the weekend. So yes, she can come in with you for 10 minutes or so and then he can take her downstairs and give her breakfast while you have a lie in, or he can take her out at any point over the weekend and play with her so you can get on with your own stuff.

But I don't think it's OK to expect a five year old to occupy herself first thing in the morning until she is "invited" into her dad's bedroom. She will feel rejected and unwanted and nervous of doing the wrong thing.

Of course he dotes on her. He should dote on his daughter. You couldn't love a man who doesn't.

MrTCakes Tue 06-Dec-16 00:17:36

There is nothing wrong in saying that you don't want to be a SM to someone else's kid. But it is wrong to stay and resent a 5 year old.

Spot on.
OP you say that the situation is killing you and that you would like the decency of getting dressed and inviting her in when you see fit. Maybe your dp's dd would like the decency of feeling at home when she stays with her father. My ds (3) gets into my bed in the morning for a cuddle even when dp is there. If dp ever complained about it then I would tell him to sleep elsewhere.

twattymctwatterson Tue 06-Dec-16 00:22:26

I think it would be very cold of you to turn a small child out of your room for the two mornings per fortnight she gets to come and cuddle in with her daddy. I also think that when she stops doing this you'll find fault with something else she does because your annoyance is a symptom of the real problem which is you are jealous and want to be number one. Honestly I think you need to find a man with no children who will always put you first

twattymctwatterson Tue 06-Dec-16 00:23:28

Oh and it's also her home btw. It's where her dad lives

SortAllTheThings Tue 06-Dec-16 00:24:25

Wtf is wrong with you? Sleep in PJs ONE NIGHT a fortnight fgs. She's a child. You need to stop acting like one. You sound needy

PenguinsandPebbles Tue 06-Dec-16 00:36:35

it's one night maybe two out of an entire month!

Embrace this chance to bond with DSC, she was in his life before you.

He should not be ignoring you whilst she is around, your thoughts should be taken into account but she is a child who sees her father four days a month.

What will you do when you have your own child?

BonsGirl Tue 06-Dec-16 00:40:00

I hear what you're saying, my man has a 6 year old full time and I stay at his home quite often. I also sleep naked so on a weekend when he's up early with no school, my other half gets up with him to sort his breakfast and put the TV on, leaving me to have a lie in - job sorted! smile

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 06-Dec-16 00:40:19

For your DP those two mornings in 14, when he can cuddle his daughter are pretty precious.

I'm a SM and I do think that at least one weekend out of two you are the most important, so you do need to compromise and let him have this time. Very soon, very very soon she will not be into hugs, not come into your room, she's a little child.

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