How do I stop my DD being so hyper/playing up when dsc here?(9 Posts)
My DD has been an 'only' for 5 years and is a well behaved child HOWEVER we are a couple of months in of being a blended family and encountering some problems with her behaviour that I've not seen before.
She adores my oh's children and looks forward to the times they are all together. We each have 50/50 and the overlap is 2 nights and a Saturday day.
Thing is when they are all together, her behaviour can change at the flip of a switch. She is just hyper and over excited the whole time.
She tries to look after the youngest one. She will pass him a cup, for example, if he can't reach. He will get angry for her trying to help him.and then she will get angry that he didn't appreciate her trying to help and will call him names. He will then have a paddy that my DD is being mean. I will tell her that names aren't acceptable and she'll stop....until the next time. So my issue with her and the youngest dss is, how do I teach her that whilst it's lovely to help, he is a toddler who doesn't like to be helped? I've told my oh that he does need to step in with his Ds as there are occasions where he really does need help.
My main issue is with my oh's ds who is a similar age to my DD (5 and 6).
My DD and him don't always see eye to eye in the house. They play lovely when it's just the two of them, but when the youngest/my oh is here they don't.
He will say something to her that she may not like (I don't want to play with you anymore or stop humming kind of thing) and again she'll retaliate by saying something mean/names etc. And then will get angry and pinch. To make matters worse my oh has told his son that if my DD hurts him in anyway, he is allowed to hurt my DD back (I totally don't agree but I'm not sure what to do?!). She also likes winding him up and will say her drawing is better than his, that her playdoh sculpture Is better. It just becomes a battle.
Sometimes when she lashes out/pinches she is in a 'lunatic/hyper' state and thinks it's funny. I tell her off, send her to her room/put her on time out step, but it does nothing to stop the behaviour.
What's weird is if we have a day out, or even walk to the shop, soft play etc, there are NO problems with anyone. It is ONLY in the house??
When I say well behaved I mean, at school, play dates etc I haven't encountered problems with her behaviour. It is only when she is with my partners children in our home.
Hi Whitechester! Sounds like a bit of a pickle.
If I were you, I would try and get an hour alone with your partner and talk about how things are going to work. You need a set of house rules and agreements on how to deal with this sort of behaviour when it arises, and agree that each of you is allowed to deal with the other one's child if they witness this behaviour e.g. if your DSC are being naughty, you can separate them and tell them why that's not on, time out or something, and vice versa. I am with you that it is not on to retaliate with violence as it is not a good message to send to children, so you need an alternative e.g. tell a grown up and they will sort it out.
However, for this to happen, when the children tell either of you what has happened, they need to know that they will get the same response from both of you, and that it is beneficial to tell someone in the first place. Therefore, when you have all the children together, it might be a good idea to go through the house rules as a family and explain that everyone has to behave in the same way, and if they don't, they will receive the same punishment. Lots of emphasis on praise, though, as it is probably difficult for them to navigate at the moment, and that will encourage good behaviour and going along with this. E.g. 'Me and dad/step-dad have decided that we're going to have some house rules, and we're going to put them up on the wall so we don't forget them, and the grown ups have to follow them as well. So violence / calling names etc. are not allowed any more because it's not nice to treat people in an unkind way. If anyone does this, they have to go and sit by themselves for a while, and can only come back and play when they have said sorry. We want our house to be happy and to be friends with everyone. Then we can enjoy lots of time together and everyone will be happy! Does this sound okay? Is there anything you think we've missed?' On top of this, maybe you and your partner should spend some time one-on-one with each child to improve the relationship, and to see if there is anything bothering them that is causing these problems.
I think the main point is to speak with your partner and be on the same page to start with. Then, it will be much easier to tackle together. I hope this was helpful and let us know how it goes
There are adjusting to each other and their differences in personality. You are doing all the right things, firstly acknowledging that your DD is part of the issue, but that she means well and therefore shouldn't be passed as the problem child.
It's not a crime for siblings to argue and battle their grounds. Some parents have to deal with it for many years. Most siblings argue and fight, drive their parents crazy, until one gets hurt and the other can't do enough to be there for them.
All you can do is continue as you are. Remind your daughter that it is great that she is so welcoming and helpful, but that being nice is also knowing when to let people do things for themselves. That although she might make brilliant suggestions, it doesn't mean that others will to go ahead with them, or not for how long as she wants. Try to help her to agree before they start playing what she could start doing on her own if they want it to stop before she does.
With time they will adjust to each other and their need for space. I would challenge your OH though as I don't think telling his child to hit back is going to help in getting them to learn to respect each other.
It's early days, give them all time. This would be happening if she had birth siblings too, they'd be squabbling like cats and dogs!
Keep the atmosphere at home very calm. Make sure none of the children are being overstimulated. Keep your responses to any arguments or trouble fair, and firm, but again very calm. "Yes DD your picture is good but it's not nice to boast." "Yes DD, it's lovely that you want to help Toddlername reach the cup, but he's at that age where he really wants to learn to do things himself. So we'll let his daddy help him just now and can you come and help me do [insert suitably glamorous job only big girls can do] instead?"
Calm intervention/distraction techniques if DSS is being mean to DD. "I don't want to play with you any more" can be followed either by letting him go for some time alone (if he is genuinely getting overwhelmed) and finding something else for your DD to do by herself, or by something like "why don't we all have a game together? Who wants to play Ludo?" if you think he is just trying to be mean.
I would be extremely (and consistently) firm about the pinching issue: she needs to learn not to do that, and that there will be serious consequences (whatever you think suitable: lost dessert, no more TV, etc etc) if she doesn't listen to you. But I would also be extremely pissed off about what your DP said to his DS, and would have a serious conversation with him about it. That is not on. DSS needs to know that DD's pinching will not be tolerated, but he also needs to learn that retaliating will get him exactly the same punishment. Tit-for-tat lashing out is bad enough between siblings, but it's an awful thing to encourage between step siblings who have enough boundaries to negotiate as it is.
The most important thing is that you and DP need to be a) calm b) fair and c) a united front.
Your dd is definitely part of the problem here which is possibly why your dh has allowed his ds to retaliate - I bet my last penny that this poor behaviour is present everyday but you only see it when his kids are there. She needs to learn that pinching or name calling will not be tolerated ever, and there should be set punishments in place for this.
Re: disciplining I would add that you should only intervene with your dh's kids if you want your dh to return the favour with your dd.
Another thing these 'lunatic episodes' sound a bit like bipolar/adhd to me, if they happen regularly. It might be a good idea to get it checked out
You need to tell your DD clearly what's ok and what isn't ok. Kids won't sort it out for themselves.
Join the discussion
Please login first.