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Holiday abroad - I don't know what to do!

(117 Posts)
MumTo2GirlsDT Sat 26-Nov-16 08:43:03

So my parents have offered to take all the family abroad on an all inclusive holiday, which consists of my 2 parents, brother & his 2 girls, sister brother in law & their 3 boys, me DH & 2 DDs. Now the problem is I have a 10yo SS but my parents can't afford to take him as it's £460 each. They also don't really want him to come (they don't have a natural relationship with SS) as it's the 1st family holiday for them with all their grandchildren.
Me and DH have just bought a house and are struggling to pay all the bills atm especially with Xmas coming up so we can't afford to pay SS'S share for the holiday.
DH has said he can't go without SS which I understand and feel awful about not being able to take him. But I suggested me and DDs still going as I'm not going to be able to afford to take them on holiday for years and years.
We are paying for SS to go on a residential school trip for a week next year aswell so I don't see it as he's been left out (which is how DH sees it) because he is going on a holiday with school.
I don't know what to do tbh because I do feel crappy for either the DDs missing out on a holiday with their grandparents & family or for going without DH and SS.
Any advice? Opinions? Personal experiences?

backinthebox Sat 26-Nov-16 08:46:14

Really unpleasant of your parents to put you in this position.

pinkbraces Sat 26-Nov-16 08:53:25

good for your husband. If my in laws had suggested going on a family holiday and not include my DD, who is their SDGD, my DH would have said no. None of us would go.

You SS is a as much a part of the family as your DD, I think it's nasty to leave a child out. And if they are already spending so much I can't see how another £460 is going to break the bank.

Phillipa12 Sat 26-Nov-16 08:54:08

Not particularly nice of your parents really, your dss is a member of your family. How regularly do you see dss? Are your dds your dhs? If it were me i would be putting my foot down to my parents and saying we all go dss included or none of us go.

ProbablyMe Sat 26-Nov-16 08:55:29

This happened to us and we took the line that it was all of our family or none of us. My ExH and his partner select who they will take and it's always her dc's not his and they get upset and resentful about it.

Toohardtofindaproperusername Sat 26-Nov-16 08:56:03

Is SS part of your family or not is the only question. If your parents are paying for that type of holiday they obviously have the money, they just don't want him to go.
Don't let them divide your family.

Somerville Sat 26-Nov-16 08:56:11

Well it's crappier for your DSS, isn't it? Your DD's have been invited and get to go on holiday - with so many cousins and other relatives there they won't miss out because your DH isn't there. They'll probably barely notice.

But your DSS hasn't been included on the ridiculous grounds of cost - £460 is nothing compared to the huge amount (what, £6440?) your parents are already paying. Frankly, if they wanted all their children there with their whole families they should have chosen a place that was affordable for 15, not 14.

Of course your DH can't go. Please don't ask or expect him to again. Making a blended family work is incredibly difficult and one of the quickest ways to other a non-resident (I'm guessing...) child is by not including them in more expensive things.

AmysTiara Sat 26-Nov-16 08:57:06

Very unkind of your parents. I wouldn't go.

wishparry Sat 26-Nov-16 08:58:01

That's not really fair.if they're paying so much money for everybody else to go what is another £400?I think they're saying it as an excuse just because they do not like him.if I was you I'd tell them none of you are going if your ss can't go as it wouldn't be fair on him.perhaps then they will come up with the extra money for him to go.

swingofthings Sat 26-Nov-16 08:59:19

I agree, nasty of your parents. The problem is not about how it would feel not be included, but how it would be feel to be excluded, because that's exactly what they are suggesting. It sounds like a very controlling thing to do to pay for everyone, but then say that they don't want one member.

What seems sad is that it's not just your parents but the whole family. If I was in the shoes of your sister or brother, I would have right away suggested that every adult chip in, so parents only put in £100, brother/sisters family put in £50 each and then you pay the difference.

I don't think there is anything wrong for you to go with your DD, but I agree with the above, good on your OH to stand up and say that he won't go. Maybe he can save a few £££ and go away on a long week-end with DS, then everyone can be happy.

LIZS Sat 26-Nov-16 08:59:30

Find a way to afford it. Agree another £460 wouldn't be much to them in the grand scheme of things. Why do they not know your ss?

SavoyCabbage Sat 26-Nov-16 09:01:22

If they can't afford to take everyone then they shouldn't have suggested it! It's ridiculous. Why does it have to be the sc that they can't afford? Why is it not one or your brothers children or you?

SavoyCabbage Sat 26-Nov-16 09:05:02

And I wouldn't go as they have but you in an awful situation. And your dh. I take it they don't much like him, your dh and the father of their granddaughter and so I wouldn't want to put him to see I supported that.

Also, I'd be worried about money. You are not feeling so rich at the moment and they are so broke that the extra money can't be found so I would think it unwise of them to spend money on a holiday like this at this time. They can't afford it.

DinosaursRoar Sat 26-Nov-16 09:06:02

So one of your siblings has 2dcs and the other has 3 dcs, and your parents have told them they will pay for all their dcs, not just said they'll pay for 2dcs each and the one with 3 has to pay for their youngest- but for your family, your parents will only pay for 2 of your 3 dcs.

No, your dss is not their biological grandchild, but your DH, your SIL and BIL are also not their biological children, just "married in", and your parents are prepared to pay for them, what's the difference with your step-son, who is "married in family" as well?

Everyone or no one, and don't let them get away with treating your dss as not family - he's as much part of your family as DH.

FrankAndBeans Sat 26-Nov-16 09:07:02

You parents sound horrible. Good on your DP for putting his foot down. You should refuse to go too really but I doubt you will.

MumTo2GirlsDT Sat 26-Nov-16 09:08:09

Phillipa12 - we make efforts to see SS twice a week but he always cancels so we end up seeing him once every 2 weeks ... he's of an age where his mums believes he can make his own mind up when he wants to see his dad.
Somerville - I think I will go back to my parents with the suggestion of finding somewhere that costs the same but for all of us.
And for those that said it, they actually haven't got this type of money lying around, we aren't a well off family tbf. They are taking a loan out to pay for it. I feel like I'm blackmailing them by saying it's all of us or none of us. But I do think keeping the total of the original planned holiday in mind it would be better to find somewhere else for everyone. Thank you as I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place :-(

SenoritaViva Sat 26-Nov-16 09:08:33

Of course they don't have a relationship with your step son if that's their attitude towards him. I'm sorry but your family as a whole includes your step son, either you all go or none of you goes.

MrsPeelyWally Sat 26-Nov-16 09:11:35

OP your parents are being awful. Please don't go along with their dreadful behaviour. Tell them you come as a package and it's everyone or no one.

neonrainbow Sat 26-Nov-16 09:13:55

Your poor stepson. Id be saying sorry but its obviously too much of a financial strain so none of us will go (especially considering they're taking a loan out i wouldn't be comfortable anyway)

SallyGinnamon Sat 26-Nov-16 09:14:21

Going against the grain I'd say to go. My DF remarried and had more DC. They often went on holiday as a family without me. Certainly at 12 I wouldn't have expected to go. It sounds like your SS has his own life anyway if he cancels regularly. Doesn't mean he lives his dad any less, just self absorbed like lots of teenagers.

Doesn't your SS do stuff with his DM holiday wise?

SallyGinnamon Sat 26-Nov-16 09:15:31

Loved, not lives. Why has the preview function gone!

JenLindleyShitMom Sat 26-Nov-16 09:17:22

So my parents have offered to take all the family abroad on an all inclusive holiday, which consists of my 2 parents, brother & his 2 girls, sister brother in law & their 3 boys, me DH & 2 DDs. Now the problem is I have a 10yo SS but my parents can't afford to take him as it's £460 each

Just plain bollocks! They can afford to take 14 people on an all inclusive holiday but can't afford the 15th person? Bullshit. Big steaming pile of it.

cansu Sat 26-Nov-16 09:17:40

Who would be crazy enough to take out a loan to pay for such a massive holiday? Pretty strange tbh.

CozyAutumn Sat 26-Nov-16 09:18:01

I would go with dds so that they don't miss out. They shouldn't be affected by this.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Sat 26-Nov-16 09:18:13

Like fuck would I be going!

DD1 is not my DPs daughter, but his family treat her exactly the same as our children together and rightly so! They love her as much as all the other grandchildren.

If DPs parents suggested this he'd tell them to shove their holiday.

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