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What would you want your kid's dad to do?

(18 Posts)
xyz321abc Fri 25-Nov-16 23:51:59

We have been happily married for 15 years and have a girl (9) and boy (13) and when I die I want to leave everything to my husband (to spend as he sees fit) but when he dies, if there is anything left, I want 100% to go to our children (not future partners or other children). This can be guaranteed through a mutual will (provided I have not been given notice by him that he has changed his mind and revoked our agreement). If I leave everything to my children he will have to live on half of what we have today. The dilemma is that he has a daughter (36) and son (37) from a previous marriage (divorced about 15 years before he met me). They are not close. His daughter and son were both educated privately and went to university (both funded by their mother and my husband). One has a high flying well paid career, the other is working on building their career. They both own mortgaged flats (deposits funded by their mother) and their mother will leave 100% to them. If I die and my husband leaves everything to his four children equally our two children will not be in the same financial position as his two grown up children. After our children's education, university and flat deposits have been funded there will be no significant money left for them from their 50 per cent share. Whereas, his children will have received a significant sum from their 50 per cent share (from their dad) and an additional significant sum from their 100 per cent share (from their mother) i.e. effectively inheriting significant sums twice. Dilemma, would you leave everything to your children (your kind and loving husband will suffer financially e.g. move to half a house and lose my income) or everything to your husband on condition he leaves everything to your children and a 'token of love and affection' to his children from a previous marriage (his daughter (36) and son (37) will disapprove, at best)?

twattymctwatterson Sat 26-Nov-16 00:04:51

He can't treat the DC he has with you differently to the DC he had with a previous partner, it would send them a horrible message and it would be deeply unfair of them to do so. If you feel that means you have to make additional allowances in your will which will leave him financially disadvantaged, that's your decision. Have you discussed it with him?

LadyVampire Sat 26-Nov-16 21:04:23

I think it is up to you what you do with your assets, no child/ relative should be staking claims.

An old school friend of mine A has a sister B. When their dad died he left his half of the house between the two daughters but the stipulation was that the home was for their mother to live in until she passed away/ decides to move so despite the two sisters owning it they can't do anything ie sell and split money until mum is no longer there. I don't know the legalities of it and they aren't going to kick their mum out but it might be worth asking?

With mine and DH house we have joint ownership. His half will go to his son and our daughter whilst my half will go to daughter. So DD will own 75% of house and DSS will have 25% as my half is not being split. DSS will also get a third of his mum and stepdad's house I would assume but I don't know.

Aroundtheworldandback Mon 28-Nov-16 17:24:41

To me it would depend on who provided the assets. If you contributed more to the deposit or mortgage then of course you're not going to be happy splitting equally, quite rightly.

But if you contributed roughly the same then of course your dh's share should be split 4 ways with ALL his children, no matter he financially secure they are, why should they be penalised by their father for making a success of their lives?

Quartz2208 Mon 28-Nov-16 17:30:51

With a house you can set it up so that he can live in it but then your share goes to your two children (so from you they get 25%) then his half share should be split 4 ways (12.5% each) your two should get 37.5% each and his should get 12.5%

From his share your two children should not get priority.

What would you do if he died first (and left everything to you) would you cut them out completely that does not seem fair on them. He has 4 children his half should be split 4 ways, your half between your two.

weekendninja Mon 28-Nov-16 17:49:57

Surely your 'half' should be split two ways and his 'half' four? I get where you're coming from but I don't think it's fair to expect your DH to do the same.

Lunar1 Mon 28-Nov-16 18:01:13

Why can't you see how wrong it would be to disinherit his oldest children? They are just as important as yours.

satinthedark Mon 28-Nov-16 18:13:28

totally with lunar on this one.

However, aren't you really ask the question if DP dies and he is obviously a fair bit older than you and leaves me his share - can I ignore his two older children.

Which is really what you want to do?

Wrong on so many levels.

What there mother has funded is irrelevant - they are all his kids regardless of age.

Lunar1 Mon 28-Nov-16 19:25:24

I'd not picked up on that satinthedark! I hope the dh sees the thread and makes sure all his children inherit directly from him and don't have to rely on the good will of a step mum who wants to ensure they miss out.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 29-Nov-16 19:01:40

I do see your point here.

There has already been a division of assets to his two first children through the divorce. A certain amount of DHs wealth will already be gone to Uni fees and also to ExW.

I also have this, my DP bought his ExW a house in her name - which we are still paying for. His first children will inherit this asset. Our child together will not. So some children will inherit double, our child just once.

It is worth considering all the implications.

satinthedark Tue 29-Nov-16 19:58:06

Please this is about the father having 4 children.

My BF has 3 full sibs - when their father died he left the house and cash to his then partner. She split it between their own three DCs only in her will.ALl of them had been private schooled, uni paid for etc. The elder sibs mother had died when they were in their teens.

The elder sibs got a bible each( he was a vicar) The angst, hurt and inequity is unbelievable, 5 yrs on.

From the OP, she seems to want her DCs to get more, even if they get the schooling, uni fees etc.

The parent with x number of children, splits it all equally between their kids - end of done finished. What the other parent does is irrelevant ot the question

BlueBlueSkies Tue 29-Nov-16 21:02:05

This is what my father has done. He left everything to his wife.

She was his second wife, who did not contribute financially to the marriage. He had me and my sibling with my mother and then 15 years later had two more children with his second wife. When he died a few years ago he left everything to his wife, she has made it clear that when she dies the house and all the contents will go to the two children she had with my father and her DD from a previous relationship.

I have not even been able to have items of no value from the house to remind me of my father, because they are hers. she says that my sibling and I are grown up and do not need anything where her kids, who are in their 30's do need the money. It has created a lot of bad feeling and I am NC with her now.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 29-Nov-16 22:15:21

I don't think the OP said leave the step children nothing?

However because divorce divides assets, it is relevant. For example:

- I have one previous DS, my DP has 3 previous DSDs. We also have one DS together, let's call him DS2.
- 5 children altogether.
- If all parents of all children die - then DS will inherit from two wills. DSDs will inherit from two wills. DS2 will only inherit from one, which will be divided between 5.
- DS2 will come off significantly worse, even though he is younger and will need more until he's finished education.

It's worth thinking about what is fair to all. Of my two sons I will give my youngest more in my will, as the oldest will inherit from his father too and what's more, a lot of that inheritance originally came from me!

satinthedark Tue 29-Nov-16 22:52:27

Banana - you will not be around to see the hurt that is going to cause.

There is no way anyone truly understands why one parent leaves more to one child and not the other. Irrespecitve of the inequities that may or may not be apparent.

It just says to the one with less, that they were not as valued, loved , appreciated, liked as much as the one who got more. They may say they understand but the hurt will be there.

My parents are splitting everything equally - we have widely differing personal incomes and have had widely differing financial inputs from parents throughout our childhood and student life dependent on circumstances. eg, my sibs went to private school, I did not, my youngest sib has bugger all monies and DPs helped with deposit, we all went toUni they paid maintenance etc but when they are dead and gone - at the end irespective of anything we all got treated the same.

COI: if you wanted to look back at it, I had the least spent on me but have been financially the most successful. AS they say what I do with the monies is up to me but it is all equal

Bananasinpyjamas1 Wed 30-Nov-16 00:36:25

I can imagine the hurt from my youngest DS if he got so much less than his brother, yes. I've already explained to my older DS who totally agrees.

LadyVampire Wed 30-Nov-16 16:58:27

I thought about the whole my DS will inherit from his mum who got 2/3 of the house she owned with my husband but I don't agree with children and other relatives staking claims in assets that are not theirs. My parents plan to split equally between me and my siblings and I'm the one who is best off financially at the moment so I said they don't have to give me anything but they stated it's their decision and equal split is what will happen.

DailyMailSucksAss Thu 01-Dec-16 20:26:39

I don't think you're being unreasonable. He has probably supported the elder kids all their lives, it's only fair that his will is divided between the younger ones so they can enjoy a similar lifestyle.

Arlowthegooddinosaur Fri 02-Dec-16 15:16:42

Be very careful in trusting someone with all your assets.

My df had a will like yours, however my dsm has cut out all his children from her will and only including her own. We spoke to a solicitor and there is nothing we can do, as all his assets went to her.

They were together 25 years and he trusted her to do the right thing, I would make sure everything is locked down from your side. You don't know what the future may bring.

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