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Am I being unfair

(19 Posts)
LadyVampire Fri 25-Nov-16 17:55:48

To expect DH ex to check with him before making plans for their DS during his contact time?

We arranged to take kids swimming tomorrow then museum a 40 min- 1 hour drive away (whole day out) tomorrow and she has told him today DSS has a party tomorrow 12-5 without checking with DH. Now DH has cancelled our plans to take DSS to party!

I understand as she does schoolruns mostly she gets asked but surely she should say she'll check with dad as he has DSS then and DH should definately tell her about plans we have already made which means we can't stick to arrangements she has made.

She'd be furious if DH made commitments for DSS during her time and expect her to stick to them DH really should be telling her to check. She and her husband have done this a few times both during DH time and also asked DH to do extra trips in their time and we cancel plans. Last time this happened I missed taking DD to my parents for a family bday. Feels like we can't do anything. We only have one car so it's not like I can do things on my own (parents 5+ hours away).

It might sound small but these things add up and sick of his ex making plans that affect our lives and him just letting her!

gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn Fri 25-Nov-16 18:00:29

Your DH should not have cancelled your plans. She should definitely pass on invites to your DH when they fall within his contact time to rsvp accordingly

LadyVampire Fri 25-Nov-16 18:06:03

She won't though and expects to dictate exactly how we do things. I've had so much hassle because of things I do that she doesn't like eg laco of religion but ultimately it's my husband's responsibility to stop her interfering in our lives (I changed my number she got so bad) and I'm sick of me and DD paying for it. ot so bad for DD who is a baby but I don't want her to keep seeing us fight, me getting upset, not have days out/ trips to family because my DH is too weak to stand up to his ex about this. I'm so frustrated.

swingofthings Sat 26-Nov-16 08:53:36

How old is the child in question? Of course she should have mentioned it as soon as she got the invite and asked whether OP could take or whether they could swap a day or something so she could take them.

If the response was to say that the child couldn't go to the party, then that would be for the father to explain why and accept the consequences of the disappointment.

Saying that, if it was a one off, mum got confused with dates and thought it fall on her week-end and then forgot about it until child reminded her the day before, and she apologised, then I think it needs to be accepted as 'one of those things'.

A similar issue happened with me when I considered that my kids were old enough to communicate themselves with their dad about plans, but on this particular occasion, DS forgot, even though I reminded him the week-end before, and of course, dad blamed me!

AmberEars Sat 26-Nov-16 09:01:06

I can see both sides of this. Of course she should have given more notice, but personally I think that if one of my DC was invited to a friend's birthday party I would expect that to be prioritised over a normal family day out of swimming and museum (unless there was a special reason for the day out). It would make me feel really sad if my DS missed out on his friends' birthday parties because my exH refused to fit them in on his contact weekends.

SheldonCRules Sat 26-Nov-16 14:16:04

You knew there was an existing child and ex but decided to get with him anyway and have another child. Moaning that his son has a party is childish, you aren't happy for you and DD to miss anything but it's fine for him. Poor child.

Up your income and get a second car rather than make your DH choose between his son and you.

PenguinsandPebbles Sat 26-Nov-16 14:20:40

That's harsh sheldon, the OP in no way says she is excluding her step-son, as a family they have planned a day out all together, she's allowed to be disappointed, her child is allowed to be disappointed.

If they had known in advance there is no suggestion the step-son couldn't have gone to his party, they may have just planned things differently.

Lunar1 Sat 26-Nov-16 14:36:16

Yes the op knew her dh has an ex and child, how on earth could her crystal ball have predicted that the ex would have given no notice for things like this! Even if she wasn't given much notice it's the attitude that's the problem. I'm sure if she had phoned and said, sorry for the lack of notice, we just got this invite and it means a lot to ds to go, the op wouldn't be so annoyed.

LucyLugosi Sat 26-Nov-16 14:39:12

Yeah, IMO it is really hard to make this work if you can't plan in advance.
There have been times when plans have been sprung on us last minute meaning the activities we had planned get cancelled/postponed, but it has been genuinely accidental so we don't mind.
If you want to plan fun days with the whole family it's really disappointing to have to change them because you weren't told about a previous commitment.
I would always cancel plans if it meant stepchildren would otherwise miss a party or something, but it's so unnecessary! Really doesn't have to be that way.
Unfortunately I don't know what to suggest if their mother doesn't want to cooperate/share plans sad

NoSunNoMoon Sat 26-Nov-16 14:40:05

You knew there was an existing child and ex but decided to get with him anyway and have another child. Moaning that his son has a party is childish, you aren't happy for you and DD to miss anything but it's fine for him. Poor child.

Poor DD, surely, always playing second fiddle to a DC who doesn't even live with them. Your DH needs to get firm with the ex.

HerRoyalNotness Sat 26-Nov-16 14:43:47

Do you drive as well? Is there any reason you can't carry on with your plans and get your DH to use taxi/get the bus/get a lift from friend or whatever to get his son to these unplanned surprise events?

jules179 Sat 26-Nov-16 14:45:07

I agree, if its during your DH time then the invitation should be passed to him, for him to deal with.
Why hasn't your DH addressed this with her?

LucyLugosi Sat 26-Nov-16 15:17:00

Yes OP, is this the first time it's happened or is it becoming a pattern?
If it's happened before, has DH addressed it?

Underthemoonlight Sat 26-Nov-16 16:12:07

I'm the mother in my situation and have a DS with ex. If he gets an invite on his day of contact I message him and ask him if he can take him before I decline the invite or accept. You cannot be expected to put your plans on hold to accomadate her regardless if she does the school runs. Personally DS and his DF time is just that their time together I have no right to dicate what they can and can't do same as when DS is with me.

Bluebell878275 Sat 26-Nov-16 17:13:42

This used to happen to us ALL the time. My husband's ex has zero respect for our time and our plans. She used to announce my SD had a party to go to and then refuse to let me or my husband take her! We were allowed no part at all. My husband used to argue but of course nothing changed because ultimately the ex is the RP with control.
Things changed, however, when we went to a solicitor. We had a letter written up stating things we weren't happy with and what needed changing. We didn't even have to go to court in the end as the letter shocked her enough to start behaving. Not everything changed but she started to actually ASK first before agreeing parties etc and we were able to take her :-) I would highly recommend this course of helped so much. Certainly knocked the ex off her undeserved pedestal she'd placed herself on.

LadyVampire Sat 26-Nov-16 18:54:38

Turns out it was a play date not a party. Also his ex has done this before but recently started doing this a lot (weekly occurrence). Last week she wanted him to do a 2 hour round trip and wait an hour at a party because SS requested being driven by dad rather than mum who was 5 min away.

Amber I know what you mean however I don't think either child having a last minute notice for a party should mean something planned for the other kids should be cancelled.. Neither step son or daughter are more important than the other. If we'd had a heads up we wouldn't have planned day out but as DD gets older it wouldn't be fair to cancel a day out one has looked forward to because the other has a last minute party. Again it turns out it was a play date.

Lunar road with ex has been horrific. The rest of today she wanted to drop off SS school things, wouldn't give a set time expected us to just be around at the house all day, wasn't happy we were out the rest of the day (SS at his friends at that point) insisted with leaving it with neighbours despite DH offering to pick it up tomorrow and whilst we were getting ready her husband shows up! She doesn't respect our time at all and wants it all on her terms. She banned DH from seeing his son because he wouldn't go over to hers as I had hyperemesis for eg.

Thanks Lucy. Again whilst I am happy to reschedule my own plans but it isn't fair to cancel either child's plans for the other. With two of them there is bound to be clashes and fairness has to be on both sides. I wouldn't cancel SS for DD either. It is starting to become a pattern but more his ex wanting him to do things she's arranged be it his contact time or hers.

NoSun it isn't fair. I don't want my daughter getting special treatment over step son either just for both to be treated the same.

HerRoyal I can drive but not insured on DH car. My work is 30 min walk so doesn't make financial sense to buy a second car we cannot afford.

Jules Everytime DH brings up something his ex stops access to their son. He was banned when I was ill in hospital, she said I was nothing to her son when I stated I wasn't religious and when I told her she can't keep doing this she had solicitors sending letters with letters written by my SS attached saying I should apologise to her.

Underthemoonlight This is what I have said. One offs are fine and more often than not I do more with the baby so DH and SS have a weekly daddy son day but his ex cannot be making plans during DH contact or for DH during hers.

Bluebell His ex doesn't respect ours. If she continues to be like thid DH is getting solicitor.

PenguinsandPebbles Sat 26-Nov-16 20:48:25

I think you would be wise to follow bluebells advise.

My DP is the RP, and he would never put the DC in this position. DC mother doesn't see them (cancels all the time, last minute) but if they have something on her day he still contacts her, by text to save any potential hassle.

Hopefully a legal letter will be enough to stop the very unnecessary game playing. I really feel for you

LadyVampire Sat 26-Nov-16 20:54:43

Thanks Penguins. She has threatened to go for full custody on a few occasions (before I was in frame and once after) so I think she would do that. She started getting solicitor involved last time when I said if she carried on harassing us I'd call police.

PenguinsandPebbles Sat 26-Nov-16 21:09:16

From my limited understanding 50:50 is the starting point with these things, unless one parent agrees to take a step back. The courts really push for it to be concluded in mediation it doesn't have to be a long and lengthily battle. Keep a log of all communication moving forward and see a solicitor. From what you have said I think having an agreement in place will save a great deal of your sanity.

Organising a play date on a contact date is utterly crazy btw!

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