SS - will it ever get better?(7 Posts)
Been with DP over 3 years now, I have 2 teenage kids, he has a 10 yr old. He's been split from his ex for 8 years so SS has never known his dad to have a girlfriend. We'd been together about 9 months before starting to introduce kids etc, took things very slowly but SS is still very resistant to me. Well, he's happy to join in the fun family things like days out and holidays but just coming round for dinner or staying over at weekends for no specific reason he kicks up about most times. He shares a room with my youngest, has his own bed and own cupboard for his things so it's not like he's sleeping on a camp bed and being treated like a visitor.
There's been times when DP has been held up at work so I've picked SS up from home and he's refused to come with me, screaming shouting throwing tantrums.
His mum's been ill lately and DP said that SS would possibly have to stay at mine during the week (DP cant do morning school run so would need to be me) and he refused saying that if his Dad made him he'd never want to see him again. (I do understand that he's worried about his mum and unsettled with changes)
His Dad and I would like to move in together after Xmas but done see how we can if SS is going to continue to resist.
Can someone give some reassurance that it will get better? Or any ideas how to make things better?
I don't think you can move in together while his son's like this, OP, as he won't want to see his dad at all. I know it seems very unfair, but I don't know what else you can do.
When his mum's ill, is there someone else who can take him to school?
Unfortunately I am the only person. I've offered to drop him home from school so he can spend the eve with her and he then comes tk mine a little before bedtime so its not like he's being taken away from his mum. We're also not going to move in until she's better and things are more stable again.
Thing is, it's not as if he hates being. He's happy to come here (with or without his dad) if he's getting something out of it. And he doesn't always kick off. But when he does its exhausting.
I just don't know whether DP should be forcing him to come here and hope it gets better or call his sons bluff an well if you don't want to come and stay then you'll have to stay at mums and I'll see you when next contact due.
Has is dad asked him why he is vehaving this way?
Reasons vary - sometimes he says its because he wants to stay with his mum (this never happens when he's not due to be staying at mine); sometimes its because his Dad always brings him round here (usually once a week out of his 3 contact days); sometimes because he's tired/not feeling well; Sometimes just because he doesn't want to.
If he knows he's staying at his Dads he never refuses to go with him. Likewise if we're going somewhere or doing something he wants to do he never refuses to come with me, just sulks when it's time to come back to mine and asking his Dad why they have to stay. I understood this behaviour in the early days but it's been 2 years now. I suspect part of the issue is that he had had 6 years of just him and his dad and is struggling to get used to the change, especially as his dad is a bit of a softie and gives in to him a lot (he is trying to be a bit firmer and more consistent as he does recognise that giving in to the tantrums doesn't help).
We have split up before over this and his son apparently did get upset when he was told and when we got back together things were calm for a while, its really been over the last 3-4 months it's started up again. Im just so tired with it all now.
I'm 16 years down the line of being SM, it's not easy but best advice is... you must do what you want to get what you want out of the relationship with partner. Resentment will kick in if not also there is never really a right time for anything like moving in etc. If you and partner want to do it, then do it and everything will eventually fall into place...
I'd second the above. The boy, his mum and his Dad will have to cope with their arrangements, and you could put things off for years and it won't necessarily get better. The only thing is, can you live with being rejected, perhaps for years, by a growing stroppy teenager? That's a big ask.
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