Married a man who has full custody of his 3 kids

(13 Posts)
Debbief1980 Wed 16-Nov-16 12:20:10

Hi i met a lovely man 21 months ago and have had an amazing time....he has had full custody of his 3 kids for 3 years they ser there mum every other weekend. Hes is in the army and lives in quarters. I moved in july this year and we married in sept. The problem we have is the kids arguing now were all under one roof and disiplining children. He is super strict on my 10 year old something shes not used to she lost her dad in may so is displaying behaviour isseues due to grief. My other two only stay a few nights and stay at there bfs. Im not a strict person and now werr married he has to go away alot and im finding this difficult with supporting his kids and disiplining them. The house falls apart when hes gone . Im working full time shifts and stuggling with 15, 14,12 and 10 year old . Its seams to be going all wrong and me and him are arguing more more 😔 any have any advice i would be grateful

SugarMiceInTheRain Wed 16-Nov-16 12:24:46

I'm not sure what to advise, though to my mind you moved in too soon - only 2 months after your daughter lost her dad - I'm not surprised she's struggling, particularly as you clearly have very different parenting approaches. I know it's unusual but you might function better as a blended family if you lived separately and your children had a bit more breathing space.

GrabtharsHammer Wed 16-Nov-16 12:25:38

Are you serious?

Your dds father died in may, you moved her in with a new family two months later, and now you are doing the bulk of the parenting for his kids? And you've known this man less than two years?

Yeah, this'll go well.

Debbief1980 Wed 16-Nov-16 12:29:47

Yeah we used to stay iver his all the time weekends and mudweek.. theres was no issues with our 4 ...my ex husband and i seperated 3 years ago and my youngest didnt see him for 18 months (his choice)
It just seams to have gone wrong between me and hubby since being married.. kids seamed to play up more and love the fa t we argue 😔

Kidnapped Wed 16-Nov-16 12:52:13

So you're looking after 6 kids alone? While working full-time? When you got married, did you know that your husband would be gone a lot leaving you to deal with everything?

I wouldn't be happy about that at all.

And I wouldn't be happy that my two oldest were choosing to stay elsewhere most of the time rather than come home. Presumably they stay away as their home situation is not ideal for them? What age are the two oldest?

Lunar1 Wed 16-Nov-16 12:53:39

Who was looking after his children before?

stitchglitched Wed 16-Nov-16 12:59:50

Why are you letting him treat your 10 year old like that? She needs kindness and support, not being forced to live with a new authoritarian stepdad and having her Mum's attention now split with 3 new kids. I would be moving back out asap.

CremeBrulee Wed 16-Nov-16 13:13:29

Who looked after his 3 DC before you moved in?

PenguinsandPebbles Wed 16-Nov-16 13:20:15

Sounds like he has married you and an aquired a live in nanny, I don't know how or why you agreed to this and also keen to understand who looked after them before as I think you need to start insisting that happens again.

My DP is RP of 2, I didn't have children but know how they operate reasonably well ;) and we took time in building up to a full week. You can't change what has happened but I think you need to pull back/step back a fair bit for everyone's sake and to see this work

RepentAtLeisure Wed 16-Nov-16 13:47:22

It sounds to me like he was looking for free childcare with a bit of sex thrown in, and you fit the bill. Is it the case that he was making an effort, and now he thinks the ring is on your finger that you're bought and paid for and he doesn't have to try anymore?

Underthemoonlight Wed 16-Nov-16 15:00:29

That's pretty heartless to put on your 10 year old, to introduce her to a new family after her DF died. You haven't given this girl a second thought. You don't even know someone properly till 2plus years. It's different staying over to living with these children and cohabiting under one rule now you're finding out the hard way. You and your DH have been extremely selfish and haven't given a second thought to these kids thoughts and feelings.

swingofthings Wed 16-Nov-16 15:17:12

Spending week-ends together (but being able to go back to your own place for the rest of the week) and moving in together and making it the new home is nothing comparable. You've rushed things and now you are paying the consequences of it.

It sounds like you totally fail to discuss rules, disciplines and expectations, before you all moved in. It's hard enough when you do. It's hard enough when you do and you only have one kid or two. Moving in together with 4 kids involved, when both work FT, hoping that everything would fall into place easily was very naive.

All you can do now is try to do what should have been done then, discuss what each expect of the others, what you are prepared to compromise on and what you're not, and who is responsible for what.

Thedogdidit1 Wed 16-Nov-16 17:31:45

Hi OP, that sounds like a really tough situation for you all - you have my best wishes that you can work something out.
Firstly, I think you need to explain to your DH about his style of discipline - it's not what your daughter is used too and he needs to dial it down big time. I suspect quite a bit comes from his army background; his kids may be used to it, but yours isn't so you need to tackle this one head on and get him to back off. As she's going through a period of grief, and some big upheavals in her life you could talk to her school to see what support they can get, and maybe access some counselling? That'll give her somewhere safe to talk (kids can't always talk to their existing parent about the other one when there has been a relationship breakdown)
Secondly, you need to know that it can take 2 - 5 years (maybe more?) for a newly formed 'blended family' to settle - and that time can be bl##dy hard work for everyone. I'm not saying this to upset you, but it's helpful to know it's usual for it to take time, and you have to work at it.
Get yourself some step-parenting handbooks as they can be useful.
I think you need to talk with your husband about how his kids were looked after before you came along - returning to that seems like a good move in giving them back that routine but also taking off some of the pressure from you.
Working f/t and looking after that many kids is tough - is there any way you can reduce your hours?
I think sitting down together to agree some house rules will benefit you all - possibly include all the kids in this at a later stage. I suspect that you are finding it so tough now as the honeymoon period is over, the house is fuller than it used to be, and with the nights drawing in everyone is home much more and getting at each other. I'd have thought testing of boundaries based on the ages you mention is completely normal - if they can pit you against each other then it'll make it infinately harder. So being on the same page by agreeing rules and boundaries will help. I wonder if, because you have a very different style to your husband, the kids are testing boundaries more? That just means you have to know how to be firm about behaviour expectations.
Can't help with the kids arguing I'm afraid - it drives me nuts and I tend to give it a wide berth in my DSCs and leave it to DH to sort out if he wants, I'll only step in if I see bullying or unfair behaviour. But making sure they've got space to go and escape from each other, especially if they share rooms, will help (not easy with lots of you I know - we ended up six of us in a 3-bed full-time when my DSCs Mum suddenly decided she was moving away and leaving the kids and it was not easy!)
I hope some of this helps - time though is often the best help. Good luck

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