The Ex

(19 Posts)
chocolateonthebrain Mon 14-Nov-16 17:40:59

My partner has two children of 5 and 7. I've been with him nearly two years.

Just recently the ex has been calling him quite late at night at the weekends when she has the kids - he obviously panics something is wrong - it isn't. She calls for no reason but won't explain why.

She is forever texting/calling him when he is at work to moan at him about anything she can think of (never anything important!)

Am I right in saying that contact should only be when it involves the children and is important?

How do you all deal with difficult exes?

HappyJanuary Mon 14-Nov-16 20:33:13

It's up to him to tell her if he's unhappy with the level of contact surely?

If he doesn't return calls or respond to texts that aren't about the children, she'll stop.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Mon 14-Nov-16 21:29:48

I'm sorry to tell you that she has caused us (me) years of misery. I wish I'd run for the hills years ago.
DP like many other men is worrried about ex's stopping or limiting contact, so go along with it even though it's not necessarily wanted, although obviously boosts their ego! We've had the phone calls, the flirting, the unnecessary texts etc. for many years.
I've had enough and said I'm only happy with contact about the children which I totally understand needs to happen. DP and her haven't stuck to it, so now they're NC bc I've said I'm that unhappy I would walk with our DC if it didn't change. They didn't even speak or text at all when I met him. I encouraged it as I didn't realise what a piece of work she was. She dictates everything and we run round after her with two babies, travelling for contact and working full time while she sits on her arse creating problems. For how long it lasts this time who knows but it's been a total f**king nightmare. DP forgets about all the issues we've had with her over the years. I haven't. I'm hoping this is going to be the end of it, or it will be the reason for the end of our relationship, along with his Disney parenting and preferential treatment because 'they don't see him everyday'.
The issue for us was her thinking she can control access (which she has). I suggested he got a court order. He didn't, so has spent 5 years dancing to her ridiculous tune because that's easier hmm

MyWineTime Mon 14-Nov-16 21:34:19

It's not up to you to decide how much contact he is allowed to have with the mother of his children.
He needs to set boundaries that are appropriate to his life.

LadyAEIOU Mon 14-Nov-16 22:42:54

Mumoftwo your situation sounds the same as mine it's frustrating.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Mon 14-Nov-16 23:12:47

No it isn't, but I am perfectly within my rights to say I wouldn't put up with what was being communicated, which was wholly inappropriate. He had a choice whether to sort it out properly or for me to leave. It wasn't a threat, it got to a stage where i would have left him over it as he had (tried but) failed to set any boundaries for years and it was making my life miserable and I only get one!

He didn't want contact with her. He had asked me to communicate with her. I didn't want to, but said I would, but ex wouldn't agree because she wouldn't be able to play her games I guess. It wasn't actually about her children. As his mum told me, she didn't want him, but nor did she want anyone else to. He had tried to set boundaries and asked her not to contact unless emergency or to arrange contact or if it was the kids wanting to speak to DP. She always crept across them and then totally disregarded them. When he tried to re-establish them, contact was stopped as punishment so he just let her play her games. He sees her every collection and drop off on his own, but I don't care, she isn't invading 'our' time with her unnecessary phone calls and trouble causing. Like OP said, they have to answer calls etc as at 11pm he would think something was wrong. Never once in 5 years has that been the case.

Lady it's so frustrating. It's spoilt a lot of the time with our young DC and I just couldn't take anymore of it. I will never understand the bitterness. I would want a good relationship with a woman who was involved in bringing up my children, but everyone's different and I can't change her but I can set my own boundaries.

Just to be clear, I was not the OW, they had been separated almost a year when we met and she left him for someone else.

LadyAEIOU Tue 15-Nov-16 09:23:04

I know mumoftwo and it does get to things. I've told my DH is things don't change now it's over. I've given him months and I'e now said one more week or I'm gone. Not fair on me or my DD.

user1478772204 Tue 15-Nov-16 10:28:14

I completely sympathise with you and although it's a nightmare situation, the only person who can set the boundaries here is you partner.... YOUR feelings do matter and he needs to see how upsetting it is for you.... she is being completely disrespectful but he may not see that as he is thinking about the child...

Talk to him and ask how he would feel if it was the other way around?

Good luck

The1975 Thu 17-Nov-16 20:51:01

Having the same issues. DPs ex is always calling, texting, emailing.....partly because she couldn't organise her way out of a paper bag. Despite the fact that she ended it a year before I met DP, I don't think she's quite realised there are implications to that decision!

I've made it clear to my DP that it bothers me. And I know he finds it quite wearing as well. But he takes the "ignore her and she might stop" approach.....

Bananasinpyjamas1 Thu 17-Nov-16 23:24:02

It's not up to you to decide how much contact he is allowed to have with the mother of his children. He needs to set boundaries that are appropriate to his life.

I disagree, a relationship has it's own boundaries around both people, or should do, to make the relationship safe. It is not two separate people deciding their own, as there is then no sense of security within a couple.

It is not 'his' life, it is theirs.

cappy123 Tue 29-Nov-16 20:53:47

Check this - my resident DSD is almost 17 and we're about to move into our first owned home in about a week. We have been renting the upstairs flat of a Victorian house from my inlaws, who live, below. We're on good terms with DP's ex - a bit 'too good' at times, being smiley, polite and accommodating. Anyhoo - my inlaws have invited the ex to move into the flat we're vacating. We've just been sleeping above our inlaws bedroom for 3 years, now the ex plans to move into our space and sleep in our ex-bedroom?

I told my husband - even though it's not my gift to decide - heeeeeell to the no! Totally weirded me out. Leave a perfectly good detached house to live in a flat? That your ex and his wife and your almost adult daughter have just left? I knew it was a move on my MILs part to 'be helpful' and plug a rent gap. But totally inappropriate. Fleas has been duly sent off in her ear and she has reviewed plans.

BlueBlueSkies Tue 29-Nov-16 21:07:11

My Dh's ex used to do this, she would phone in the middle of the night to discuss school trips or something else trivial.

He stopped answering the phone at night and when we moved house he told her that we did not have a landline in the new house. That stopped her.

Our theory is that nothing can happen in the middle of the night that can not wait till morning.

needsahalo Tue 29-Nov-16 21:50:50

Our theory is that nothing can happen in the middle of the night that can not wait till morning

Nothing at all? There's plenty that can happen, surely? Of course it's a risk worth taking to avoid harassment but there is plenty of genuine stuff that can happen which needs an immediate response.

satinthedark Tue 29-Nov-16 22:57:44

Blue - been there done that tried to get hold of Ex as DC was admitted as an emergency to hospital.

He had gone on a dirty weekend and they had both switched their phones off. When they switched them on when they landed on the Monday morning - thye both got a bloody big shock - her DC was in hospital with a broken arm and mine was in hospital with meningitis. The one and only time I have called Ex after 2100 and the useless fecker was not available because having a shag and "his" time was more important.

The guilt is theirs and their defence of their actions is irrelevant. You do not stop being a parent -it is 24/7/365.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Wed 30-Nov-16 07:47:51

satin why did it have to be a 'dirty' weekend? Unless you knew the exact details, which would be very strange. No, you don't stop being a parent, but you do need a break sometimes. You say it's the only time you called him after 2100 but how much did you call him before that and was it wholly necessary and only about your children (which, by the way, you called 'mine')?

I also don't think you can say because of this one action, that he believes 'his time is more important'.

Notsurewhat1981 Wed 30-Nov-16 10:05:06

I really feel for you we have had all this but my partner was soft at the start. He used to go in her house every hand over and answer nonsense texts and calls all time. He was worried about his sons reaction to their breakup so he said but as it continued it transpired he was scared of her! He even had to tell her first I was pregnant! I sat him down and said this level of contact is not normal you are either starting a new family your lad will grow into or you are playing families with her and I'm off. As I said to him what's the worst she will do? Withhold custody? (In our case she far too much of a party animal to do that) so he stopped going in house stopped answering texts and calls unless they are specially about contact arrangements or illness/emergency. She soon learnt. Does the woman have a partner? We found she yanked our chain every time she was single n it let up when she was attached again but either way he's not answerable to her!

Notsurewhat1981 Wed 30-Nov-16 10:09:21

I forgot to add that it might help if he'll let you to get more involved? I used to leave him to it til I lost it one day and gave the ultimatum - since then the times she's mucked us about - say with lifts (ringing us to say she couldn't bring or take stepson when our turn )playing up on phone or strutting out of her car outside our house, I've done the lifts and I've answered the messages. Nobody's ever shut up or got back in their car fast enough! Show her you're a tight unit and you won't be rattled

cantmakeme Thu 01-Dec-16 07:44:50

mumoftwo Really? Most decent parents don't switch off all forms of contact for a weekend and call it a "break". Do you? A break is time to yourself, yes. With your phone on when possible. Imagine if the worst happened and you were too busy enjoying "me time" to check your messages.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Thu 01-Dec-16 08:10:14

No I agree I wouldn't, but also having been on the other side, where the ex's behaviour has basically constituted harassment, I can understand why it would need to be done if you want a break. It's probably a break from the relentless hassle of an ex that's needed. I've also stayed in cottages with no mobile signal which might have been the case here, we don't know the full facts only one, possibly biased opinion. Doesn't sound like he was needed anyway, they were after all 'her' children.

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