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Step Son's Birthday

(64 Posts)
36plusandtrying Fri 11-Nov-16 21:27:51

Advice needed, it's coming up to my SS birthday. I have been with my husband for 9+ years and it's his son's 9th birthday party approaching. We have a difficult relationship with his sons mum. Last year was the first year I was involved/invited to his party. It was a great day had by all and I was thanked genuinely by his mum for the effort I put in. This year we had planned to take him on holiday for his birthday, which was agreed upon and then cancelled at the last minute. Which is fine, we've moved on from that. Now we have been asked to pay for his party which of course we have agreed on. But now it has come to light that my SS doesn't want me to be there. (Bear in mind the ex told him this and we have yet to hear it from him) - the reason for this is that I don't dress like other mums .... before you all paint pictures of a bra less Kim kardashian, reject from Geordie shore or alternative tattooed rocker ! I'm just always well put together - make up, hair, heels (where appropriate) more holly Willoughby than TOWIE tramp. Should I respect this and not attend ? Or put it down to childish jealousy from the ex who still carries a flame for my husband and go anyway ? I could understand if this was a painfully recent, but I have been in my SS life for 9 years ! I've missed so much to spare her feelings already .... I don't want to miss anymore ! HELP

Amandahugandkisses Fri 11-Nov-16 21:30:28

That is so rude. So awfully rude. Please don't take it personally. But you have been massively disrespected here even if he doesn't want you at the party there is no need for that and I think you DH needs to step up.

Underthemoonlight Fri 11-Nov-16 21:36:32

I'm confused with the timeline your SS is 9 and you've been with your DH 9plus years so there was an cross over or he left her when pregnant or a newborn? I ask because I'm trying to get a picture as to why the mum could be jealous.

Have you asked your SS if he wants you there?

BubbleGumBubble Fri 11-Nov-16 21:47:25

Must admit the time line did make me hmm

I am a stepmum and i never went to dss's birthday parties unless invited by their mum as i did not want tensions to ruin the day. It was not about me it was about the childs birthday. We just did something nice with them a day or so later.

Ask ss what he wants and go from there.

36plusandtrying Fri 11-Nov-16 21:47:54

Underthemoonlight she was 3months pregnant when they split - no cross over. Not asked him yet my husband is constantly worried about upsetting his son so will probably avoid asking !

Underthemoonlight Fri 11-Nov-16 21:52:40

Maybe she feels resentful, she was in her own during her pregnancy it must be hard especially if he got with you shortly after.

I'm in the situation where I'm the mum that was left and ex has a DW from experience it can be hard to share your DC with another woman although we do separate birthdays. I can imagine it harder when that DC is a baby and going through the emotions what should be a special time and having to share that with her ex and their DP. Could it be she wants to have something seperate for once with her DS?

Could you do something else? I would speak to your SS ask him what or how she feels about his party.

BubbleGumBubble Fri 11-Nov-16 21:53:28

Were you ow? I only ask as it might explain the jealousy and her not qanting you there.

Underthemoonlight Fri 11-Nov-16 21:53:54

she was unreasonable to allow you to pay for it and then put those conditions on though

BubbleGumBubble Fri 11-Nov-16 21:54:25

Sorry just saw the no cross over bit.

36plusandtrying Fri 11-Nov-16 21:54:41

Sorry what does OW mean ?

Underthemoonlight Fri 11-Nov-16 21:55:13

Other woman

BubbleGumBubble Fri 11-Nov-16 21:55:29

Other women.

But you explained in your post there was no cross over i just missed it.

36plusandtrying Fri 11-Nov-16 22:00:06

My point I guess is she has has 7years of parties (with us footing the cost), and I stayed away - out of respect. Last year she couldn't be bothered to do anything so I did cake, party bags, decorations etc and picked up the tab - and was involved - we had a great day. I don't really think my SS has said that he doesn't want me there, just think that is another one of her lies. I am all about consistency why be involved one year and not the next ......

Underthemoonlight Fri 11-Nov-16 22:04:13

I agree it's unfair you've paid for it. I would make a point of doing you're own celebrations for your SS birthdays in future

Bananasinpyjamas1 Fri 11-Nov-16 22:09:56

It is disrespectful and very much putting the boot in from his Ex that you couldn't come and that it was how you dressed. A bit nasty if you ask me.

I would be asking your DP if you can do something separate with your SS from now on, these 'joint birthdays' only work if most of the adults are civil and it's not used as a manipulation on any level. My DPs ExW wanted to organise DSDs birthday in our house! Er... I haven't been invited to any of their birthdays around ExWs house, and DP does pop in, it is irksome but I just let it go. I've organized a few myself for DSDs in our home or taken them out to dinner.

36plusandtrying Fri 11-Nov-16 22:13:50

We tried to do that we had planned to take him to Bali for his birthday .... but she decided he didn't want to go !

AvaCrowder Fri 11-Nov-16 22:19:57

Bali sounds completely unreasonable. What is the thing with how you dress? What on earth does your dh think about this all?

36plusandtrying Fri 11-Nov-16 22:26:41

Bali ? Unreasonable in what way ? We live in OZ, and we are going to lovely resort - family focused and he would be with his mum on his actual birthday - we would go the weekend after. No idea what it is about how I dress, maybe just that I make an effort ? Just the other weekend she complemented me on how I looked (we were returning SS after a birthday lunch with friends) so I was in a dress with heels. Husband says ignore it ... but I can't !

paxillin Fri 11-Nov-16 22:28:26

Organise and pay for a party at yours or somewhere he likes with you present. Otherwise, don't pay for it. The presence of the parental sponsor is non-negotiable aged 9. In fact, the presence of the generous donor never becomes negotiable.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Fri 11-Nov-16 22:32:49

Why don't you just do something on the weekend that you have SS next time, something low key but nice like a meal where you give him a nice present? Without even telling Ex.

AvaCrowder Fri 11-Nov-16 22:34:25

Sorry op didn't realize you were in oz, assumed you were in UK.

36plusandtrying Fri 11-Nov-16 22:59:41

I guess it's hard cause we do a lot as a family - so a dinner out won't feel so special ! We've already been told what to buy him as a gift lol

Lostsoul231 Fri 11-Nov-16 23:12:05

Just wondering how you know the reason why you're not wanted at the party? You say it's because of how you dress but who told you that's the reason? Your husband, your stepson or the ex wife? Seems strange.

36plusandtrying Fri 11-Nov-16 23:18:39

My husband told me ... his ex texted him oh and also that apparently my step son despises me sad

Lostsoul231 Fri 11-Nov-16 23:24:18

I would want to see the text. I am an ex wife and would never think of texting my exhusband telling him I didn't want his wife at our son's party because of how she dresses. Somethings not right here. i would want to see the text.

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