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My oh has a casual approach to parenting your dsc?

(10 Posts)
Whitechester Wed 09-Nov-16 20:17:10

My step kids are great and I'm fond of them but I find the way my oh parents them infuriating.

They live with us half the week so we have a routine in place and they obviously spend a lot of time here. I find myself dreading when they come because Suddenly when they are here I can't stand my oh. He obviously loves his children and I totally understand that, but he acts like their 'mate' instead of their parent and that they are guests.

He becomes sloppy and I find myself having to clear up and look after an extra two kids and a man child. When they are here he focuses on playing with them and being with them every single minute, meaning I am left doing everything 'parenty' for them all, meaning I get little time with my own dd.

I cook dinner and they often refuse to eat it, knowing that he will tell them it doesn't matter and give them
Chocolate or a McDonald's.

He treats them as babies and does everything for them, therefore not encouraging them to be independent children.

He doesn't encourage good hygiene and at the age of 6 his eldest wees everywhere and gets poo all over the bathroom floor. When I pick up on this I get told
To stop being a nag as they're only kids. It's the excuse he says all the time.

When the children are in bed he goes back to being the loving man I know, but just when theyre awake I want to pull my hair out!

LucyLugosi Wed 09-Nov-16 20:49:44

Sounds like he's having a hard time with the parenting, but he's not doing his children any favours like this!
Totally unacceptable to push the less fun/more parenty stuff onto you! He needs a wake up call.
Maybe he needs a parenting group or to read some articles on how to be a parent when he's not with their mother?
He can't keep putting this on you. It's unfair on you and them.

Somerville Wed 09-Nov-16 20:52:03

Didn't you realise he does the Disney dad thing before you moved in with him?

You really need to talk to him about whether his parenting style is something he wants to change. If he doesn't it's going to be a big frustration for a long time...

Whitechester Wed 09-Nov-16 20:58:18

Lucy, he thinks how he parents is normal. I've told him it should be the one being the proper parent and me having the more 'mate' like approach, but instead I'm
The one doing the boring parenting/laying the rules, which I think works against me. I often find that they don't really want me around as they think I just moan all time. If my oh set boundaries I would be so different.

Somerville we didn't have much experience in a home environment with his children as our lives were quite separate and we only did fun stuff together.

He doesn't encourage manners either. I bought both the children a gift and just stood there waiting for them to say thank you. He didn't even say come
On and say thank you kids.

I suppose I just feel that I'm getting the rough end of the deal with his children and, most importantly, my own daughter

Whitechester Wed 09-Nov-16 21:00:49

Somerville with regards to his style I said the world doesn't stop when your children are here. I said it's unhealthy for his children to expect/always think that daddy drops everything whilst I do everything for everyone as a skivvy.

He doesn't think he's a Disney dad because he disciplines them if necessary.

Somerville Wed 09-Nov-16 21:05:18

There are some good books on step-parenting that go through all kinds of issues that should be considered before moving in together. Rules and parenting styles are one of the most important.
You need to take a step back and make time to read them. See if he will, too. There are all sorts of suggestions we found helpful: weekends together first and a holiday together to test the waters before commitments were made. A list of family rules that everyone agrees on and can remind anyone else in the family on. Lots of stuff like that.

But ultimately if he isn't interested in changing and you can't make peace with his parenting (or lack of) then you've got some hard thinking to do... Its impacting negatively on your child which isn't really fair.

Whitechester Wed 09-Nov-16 21:26:43

That sounds like a good idea with the books. I also think some house/family rules would work. It's not fair for my daughter to have to clear up
After herself and do certain things when her step brothers are treated like babies/princes so it's not consistent

Somerville Wed 09-Nov-16 21:33:17

We made the rules positives rather than negatives, if you see what I mean.
So one of us is 'We speak to each other kindly'
Which is nicer to have on the wall than 'no shouting, no swearing, no name calling' (or whatever) and also easier to pull them up on. My fiancé prefers to say 'remember that we speak to each other kindly' if one of my kids gets shoutie at another, rather than 'no shouting'. And because they helped come up with the rules they agree with them. Don't just do a list of rules that come out of nowhere. Everyone's got to agree on them. And maybe rewards and star charts might help if the kids are quite young.

I say all this though, wondering if your DP wants to change? If he doesn't it'll be a waste of time.

Wallywobbles Wed 09-Nov-16 22:14:58

Try positive discipline Books. Family meetings are a really useful tool. My DP was sceptical but has changed his mind. It allows difficult stuff be addressed. We have mine 100% and step kids 50%.

swingofthings Thu 10-Nov-16 18:15:05

There are two issues here. The first is that you seem to have different parenting views. Unfortunately, there is no 'normal' or 'right' way to parent. That's the greatness of parenting, you can parent as you wish, and unless the kids shows sign of distress or neglect as a result, then it is up to the parent to do as they see fit. In some instance, it is a case that they don't have confidence in what they are doing and therefore receptive to opinion, but in your situation, it sounds like he is very happy with the way he parents, so there isn't much you can do to make him change his mind, at least not suddenly.

The other issue though is the fact that you are left with the parenting chores and that is totally unacceptable. As much as he can play the card that they are his kids so he can educate them as he wishes, they are also his kids to look after when it comes to chores. Don't cook for them, do what you would normally do and he can cook for them. Don't clean after them, that's his job and certainly do not reduce the time you spend with your dd to do his chores.

Go out one evening, when you are not frustrated and angry, and calmly explain that you don't agree with his parenting, but you respect his choices as much as he respects yours, however, you don't think it is fair that you have to act like the bad parent to relieve him from his duties and it would really help you if he could take on clearing up after them, washing their stuff, etc...

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