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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Mum hit DSS

35 replies

ABitOfACyclePath · 31/10/2016 14:00

So last night my DH got a text from DSS Mum saying we need to take DSS as he was misbehaving so she hit him then he hit her back so she tried to drag him outside and he punched and kicked her.

Long story short I spoke to DSS on phone and he broke down so bad he couldn't talk so I asked him to text me and tell me what happened. He said his sibling had been pulling his hair so he told him off, the sibling went and told Mum and Mum hit him in the face so he hit Mum back and then she grabbed him really hard.

I'm fizzing. This is just once in a long line of incidents. Would I be unreasonable to phone social services and let them take up the case if they feel there is a need to?

Her defence is that hitting is wrong and she's told them both that so she followed that up by hitting

OP posts:

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elliebellys · 31/10/2016 17:05

How old is your dss ?

Believeitornot · 31/10/2016 17:07

Why don't you take DSS in?

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2016 17:10

What does your DH say? When were you next due to have contact with DSS? How far apart do you all live?

Does he want to come to you? What's happened today is the message was sent last night?

ButtMuncher · 31/10/2016 17:16

Jeez, I'm not surprised you feel that way. However, I think if social services are called, it should be your DH who makes that decision. The main residency will revert from Mum to him presumably?

How old is your DSS? I'm horrified that she not only seemed to hit him to 'show him a lesson' but also rang you up to say he needed to be taken.

How is their relationship usually? Does she have form for this?

gillybeanz · 31/10/2016 17:21

I think it's for your dh to sort unfortunately.
You aren't his parent and has absolutely nothing to do with you, unless of course you are the one that does the parenting.

Lweji · 31/10/2016 19:46

For the sake of the children, I do think someone should contact social services and you have that duty. Anyone does.
If not, I hope they talk to their school.

Your OH should push to have them instead.

Wdigin2this · 31/10/2016 23:01

This is a decision for your DH, not you. It sounds as if you're quite involved with parenting this child, but at the end of the day he is your DH's son, and therefore his responsibility!

ABitOfACyclePath · 01/11/2016 09:37

DSS is 10 and we live an hour away. We took him last night to give him some space from Mum. I've been in his life since he was almost 2 and we have him EOW.

This kind of thing has happened before yes along with neglectful behaviour such as not taking DSS to dentist. By the time we realised this and took him he's now needing 5 adult teeth removed, 2 fillings and 2 caps.

I can't believe she slapped him in the face as punishment for telling his sibling off.

My DH very much buries his head in the sand and doesn't want to upset the apple cart where I'm more hot headed and wanted to phone social services straight away. She can't keep getting away with behaviour like this.

OP posts:

RockyBird · 01/11/2016 09:40

No she can't. Your DH should step up though.

Bluntness100 · 01/11/2016 09:43

You can't call social services on her. You really can't, as much as her behaviour is terrible, this is uour step son, not your son, and it's up to the mother and father to deal with that level of involvement. The fall out from you doing it would be horrendous.

MistressMolecules · 01/11/2016 09:46

Bluntness safeguarding is everyone's responsibility and if the dad won't step up then OP needs to, and if calling social services is the best way forward to protect DSS and any other siblings then it needs doing by whoever wil do it.

chowchowchow · 01/11/2016 09:50

Agreed Mistress. To be honest I'm a bit fed up with posters saying "it's not your responsibility" to step mums/dads. Many have been in their SC lives since before the SC can remember a time without them. If you witnessed this with a neighbours child would you just leave it as it's not your responsibility?
Of course the dad should do something but he hasn't therefore OP should.

My2centsworth · 01/11/2016 09:54

You sound like an awesome SM. I think you are completely right, this may be below threshold for SS in and of itself but it certainly will be useful to build up a pattern of behaviour.

My2centsworth · 01/11/2016 09:55

Agree with chowchow and Mistress completely.

ABitOfACyclePath · 01/11/2016 10:17

It takes a village to raise a child is the mentality I was brought up with. I knew that any adult in my life had the right to tell me off but similarly they all looked out for everyone's kids from my friends parents to random neighbours etc. I'm finding it really hard to sit on my hands with this. I need a good long chat with DH to see what he's thinking about the whole thing and decide where to go from there. Yes I'm not his parent I agree but I have a duty to protect him.

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 01/11/2016 10:20

If she's violent and neglectful, your dh is bit of a dick for leaving his son with her, isn't he?

You need to do something for this child. And if he won't step up to the plate, then you should.

Matchingbluesocks · 01/11/2016 10:24

I think your DH has to lead on this because what do you want SS to do? And what will be the effect of that?
Surely what you really need to do to protect him is go to court for residency.

ABitOfACyclePath · 01/11/2016 10:24

My point exactly WalterMitty and he knows I'm pissed at him as well as her. She's being abusive and he's being an accomplice whether he physically hits DSS or not he's not standing up for him.

OP posts:

stitchglitched · 01/11/2016 10:25

You need to call SS. Ideally your DH would take action but frankly he sounds utterly pathetic so it will have to be you who steps up as neither parent seems to care enough about this poor kid.

ABitOfACyclePath · 01/11/2016 10:28

I've been saying that for years that we need DSS to stay with us but he's reluctant to take him away from his school, friends and family. We will be able to move closer once our eldest moves out fairly soon so that won't be an issue.

OP posts:

reallyanotherone · 01/11/2016 10:28

I think it's for your dh to sort unfortunately.
You aren't his parent and has absolutely nothing to do with you, unless of course you are the one that does the parenting

Oh FFS.

It has everything to do with her. I am a step parent and if either of my step kids were treated like that it is completely my business as I would be looking at becoming a full time parent overnight.

Obviously I would be 100% with my DH on going and picking the child straight up and bringing them to live with us. I would be dealing with social services, schools, Dr's, applying for PR. But it is my business, as much as bringing anyone or anything to live in our home as I would be responsible, from a dog to a step child.

If the child comes to live with them she will absolutely be doing the parenting, so if course it's her business.

Unless you expect her to look after herself while her Dh does 100% of his childs care? Not do any washing for them, cooking, lifts anywhere...

And honestly it would be my business if I didn't know the parents. If a friend from school came to me with that story they would be staying in my house until I could contact social services and I knew they had somewhere safe to go,

reallyanotherone · 01/11/2016 10:29

cycle path- If you are moving is it possible to keep him out of school until you do?

If it's a safeguarding issue I can't see you not getting permission.

ABitOfACyclePath · 01/11/2016 10:31

Our eldest won't be moving out till school ends in June and he's sat his exams so wouldn't be possible to take DSS out for all that time.

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 01/11/2016 10:35

I'm so glad you're standing up for your dss.

At least someone is.

Lunar1 · 01/11/2016 11:45

Can't you live separately during the week till June. Because the way it reads is that the abuse and neglect of a younger child will have to be allowed to continue so your older child can sit exams.

Your husband needs to step up now not when it suits.

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