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Partners son mother....

(10 Posts)
fi775 Fri 28-Oct-16 10:02:08

Hi everyone, just wanting a bit of advice of something that's been niggling me....

My partner has a 2 year old son, I have a daughter. We've been together over a year now and waited about 10 months until we introduced our kids. I felt it was the right time to introduce my daughter and her dad had no issues with it.

However when it came to me meeting his son, the mother didn't make it easy. Please understand I do understand this, I'm not trying to put her down. I know as a mother, having another women come into your child's life is not an easy thing to accept, especially when they are only 2. I was very understanding of this. She wanted to know everything about me, my criminal background, job, how much money I earn etc etc. She wanted to meet me one on one to check I was ok to be around her son. It made me feel incredibly uncomfortable if I'm honest, I've never felt anxiety like it.

Anyway fast forward 3 months and me and dps son get along great, we are forming a little bond and he's now started giving me the biggest cuddles when he sees me, he's a sweet little boy and with no pressure on it we have become little mates.

Recently we have been having dps son more often to help out his mother. She has asked if we can have him Saturday - it is not our Saturday to have him - and dp can't as he is on a stag do. The mother turned round and said if my dp cannot has lo then it is my job to have him. I was quite shocked by this. If I was to have dps son for the day then I know he would be absolutely fine, I've looked after him for a couple of hours here and there while dp has done something work related and he's been fine and not phased by me looking after him at all.

I don't however think it is my job to have him for the whole day and night. It's the way she said 'it's my job' I have my own daughter, she is my job. I probably would of been more than happy to do it if she would of asked if I could have him, not expected me too.

It has made me angry as it wasn't that long ago she was giving me such a hard time about me being around her son and now all of a sudden she's happy for me to have him for the full day and night.

I'm very new to this step parenting thing so I'm not sure if I am over reacting or not. Like I say, if she would of asked me I would of probably agreed but it's the fact I'm just expected to do it. Dp also agrees with me and told her no I will not be able to have him.

CozyAutumn Fri 28-Oct-16 10:36:41

It's not your job op you're absolutely right. If your dp isn't available and it isn't his day/night to have his ds then this decision is not hers or even his- it's yours. She needs to look for alternatives regarding childcare if she wants to make plans.
If you say yes once then that will be it. She will demand ask again and again and it will get harder to to say no.
I think it's quite cheeky to do all these "checks" on you and be very wary of you to then suddenly tell its your job to look after her son. It's none of her business what your job is or how much you earn shock

This isn't anything to do with not liking your dsc. I'm sure you do. It's to do with keeping firm boundaries and and not being treated like a doormat.

Chimpfield Fri 28-Oct-16 10:37:27

Nope, it's not your "job" - nip this in the bud now...... I wish I had - it's his dad's responsibility and if he cannot do it due to prior committments (understand it's not your normal contact weekend) it's his mum's responsibility to arrange alternative care.

ChuckBiscuits Fri 28-Oct-16 10:40:13

do you live together?

Definitely not your job! I'd probably say 'if you had asked I'd probably have said yes but I am not cancelling plans after the way you have told me that it is my job'.

And why are you in contact with her in the first place? She should be asking the father, not you!

passmyglass Fri 28-Oct-16 10:41:55

Nope, I am a sp, and love my sss but it's a good idea to have boundaries, otherwise you end up getting the worst of the step-parent game rather than enjoying it. It's different when you've been married 10 years and they've grown up with you, but you're really not there yet

fi775 Fri 28-Oct-16 10:44:36

Thanks for the replies, I thought my feelings were right about this. Dp fully has my back too, he's always warned me about what his ex can be like and now I'm starting to see it for myself. I just feel like she was just going out of her way to make things awkward for me from the very beginning. She is now well aware of the fact I've been putting in some effort to bond with dsc and now I feel she's going to use that against me too. I will be keeping firm about this. I sort of feel it's planned as she knows very well that dp is on a stag do this weekend.

It just surprises me she is comfortable with me having dsc for a full day and night. I've met her briefly a few times and always been nice and polite but we've never had a full conversation or anything. It has surprised me she feels comfortable leaving her ds with me for that amount of time. If it were my dd, I'd never consider asking exs partner if he had one.

Thanks for replies, I will be standing strong with this. I just find it all abit daunitng, I don't know the dos and donts of step parenting

fi775 Fri 28-Oct-16 10:46:36

To add no we don't live together, we have bought a new bed for each house so everyone has a bed and we split time between both houses.

To clarify, I wasn't speaking to her. Dp was using FaceTime to see his ds and she asked during that conversation so I over heard it all

CozyAutumn Fri 28-Oct-16 11:08:17

It's good that your dp is on board with you.
Some care more about keeping the peace with their ex rather than take their partner's feelings in to account, so it's really good that he's standing up for you.

fi775 Fri 28-Oct-16 11:43:26

Yes I think so too, he knows what she can be like though, I'm starting to see it myself now too. She was very controlling of their relationship apparently so he doesn't want her to do that with me too. I don't think she likes the fact my dp has moved on and that maybe plays a part in it. It's like she has to interfere or something. When it is our free Saturday night she will always ask if we can have dsc and we always do.

Thanks for taking the time to reply to this everyone, I will stand my ground with this

NNChangeAgain Sat 29-Oct-16 11:16:12

It just surprises me she is comfortable with me having dsc for a full day and night.

I assume your DP trusts you? His ex obviously trusts his judgement - something that is essential in coparenting relationships. Don't be surprised that she trusts you, as that is a good sign!

At the same time, her expectations of you are unreasonable - you have no obligation to care for her DS. Your DP and she are equally responsible for his care. If you choose to care for him so that your DP can go to a stag do, then that's your choice.

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