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If your step child(ren) live(s) with you...

(22 Posts)
CannotEvenDeal Thu 27-Oct-16 22:30:49

... how much contact do they have with their other parent?

My dss has absolutely zero contact with his biological mother. It has been this way for years. I adore my dss and have no regrets at all about raising him as my own.

But I have to admit that sometimes I do wonder if she ever thinks of him and why she has chosen to be absent from his life. We never shut the door, it was 100% her choice.

Don't know why really... just musing smile

Wdigin2this Thu 27-Oct-16 23:11:50

Well, you've done the best you can! If she doesn't want him in her be it!

Bananasinpyjamas1 Fri 28-Oct-16 01:32:35

You sound like a great parent smile

It does seem unusual. I had a resident DSD, and two others that were there every single weekend from ages 9 upwards for 5/6 years.

Their Mum definitely wanted to hang on to being the number one parent, and the 'role' of being Mum. Yet in reality she barely saw my resident DSD for 5 years, at the time when she could have made a real difference to her life. DSD was possibly too loyal, too teenager or whatever but hugely resentful in the end of me so I couldn't plug that gap for her.

I did wonder sometimes if the underlying anger from my DSD was a lot to do with her own feelings about her mother. Everyone around would act as if it was totally natural that DSD hardly saw her mother, who in turn acted as if she really did see her a lot. It was weird, sometimes I felt like the only person who could see how hurtful it must have been to be rejected? It wasn't her decision. DP felt good that his ExW had leaned on him for support, and also couldn't see that perhaps him being out at work very long hours and a step Mum she ignored was possibly not the best parenting set up? It didn't do her any good.

She's living with her Mum now, aged 19, but her Mum would like her back with us, just finds her 'too difficult' I think.

Your step son's Mum never sees him? Now that is hard.You must be having to cope with this big unknown, strange absence. Although part of me thinks, because your step son has accepted you completely as his parent, and there is no twisting or conflicting erratic ins and outs of a Mum that is there sometimes, not there others, then at least this boy has a fairly clear and stable life with you all as a family?

Somerville Fri 28-Oct-16 02:24:37

I read stats on this once. About 1 in 5 men who split up from their mother stop seeing their children. But it's much rarer for women. I can't remember the figure - less than 1 in 100, I think.

So you are in an unusual situation as a step-mother, but there are a fair few step-father's who are similarly raising the child in the place of a biological parent who isn't in their life.

My children are gaining a step-father soon, when I get married. They don't have their father in their lives any more because he died a few years ago. He was a great husband and father and my fiancé isn't replacing him in any way. DH is and always will be Daddy. But they have started calling my fiancé Papa, and they all love each other very much.
Our lives are immeasurable better (more fun and less frantic) for having him in them, and I'm sure your husband and step-son feel similarly about you.

theleagueagainsttedium Fri 04-Nov-16 10:23:10

DSS's biological mother died a couple of years ago but in her lifetime she only saw him once since leaving when he was months old. In fact, when she got back in touch with DP asking to see DSS my DP didn't know what to do for the best so it was me who made the final decision to let her meet DSS because I felt both she and he had the right to know each other. Unfortunately, she never bothered keeping in touch with us after that so that was the one and only memory DSS has of her. I've raised him as my own for a decade now and consider him to be the person who made me a mother, rather than my younger DS.

theleagueagainsttedium Fri 04-Nov-16 10:27:16

I say that because I've raised him since years before my younger DS was born. In my experience I may have only met him because I got together with his dad of course, but I took him on as my son because I love him, not because I love my DP.

tiredandhungryalways Fri 04-Nov-16 10:27:58

The league that is such a beautiful thing to say 'he made me a mother' literally bought tears to my eyes.I hope you continue to have a wonderful relationship

tiredandhungryalways Fri 04-Nov-16 10:28:55

I think I love you now!

theleagueagainsttedium Fri 04-Nov-16 10:41:21

Ah, thank you! The other night he told me that DS is privileged to have me as a mother so I told him that he's as much my son as DS is. He's been going through a very rough time lately and has told me that I'm the only family member who truly sympathises (I don't agree with that, I think I'm the only one who has really listened to him properly though but nonetheless it was a nice thing to hear).

Bananasinpyjamas1 Fri 04-Nov-16 23:49:09

It is pretty life affirming to read of how theleague and others have become mothers in the void, and how much of a special relationship that makes it, because, to be blunt, you didn't have to. flowers

ImperialBlether Sat 05-Nov-16 00:04:01

OP, could you put in for adoption?

HandbagAtDawn Sat 05-Nov-16 00:04:09

Everyone around would act as if it was totally natural that DSD hardly saw her mother, who in turn acted as if she really did see her a lot. It was weird, sometimes I felt like the only person who could see how hurtful it must have been to be rejected?

Woah. You've just completely summed up the exact same situation I have. It's so odd, I feel like I'm taking crazy pills a lot of the time.

And I'm just waiting for all that displaced, misdirected anger to come hurtling my way as soon as dsd is a teen. I just know I'm gonna be the scapegoat for her emotions. I'm quite scared for the future TBH.

griffinsss Sat 05-Nov-16 03:18:27

DSS1's mother died when he was 2 so no contact (obviously...)

DSS2+3's mother simply isn't very maternal. She has a high flying career and sees her sons once or twice a month for a couple of days at a time. She clearly loves them and cares about them, and she's a very kind woman, she's just happy for their dad to have custody.

cloudyday99 Sat 05-Nov-16 15:51:16

DSS is now living with us and only seeing his mum in the holidays really. Their relationship seemed to have broken down and there was no communication between them at all. DH has been pushing hard for her to see more of him, but she just says that DSS has nothing to say to her (and that he's smelly, and his room was a tip, and she wants his stuff gone so she can "fumigate it") sad

DH seems to hope things will improve if DSS keeps up some sort of contact, but I'm
I'm not sure it's very good for DSS to be spending time where he's clearly not wanted. It's all made more difficult because younger DSC are still living with their mum and she's not rejected them (yet). I think it's really hard to know how best to help when it's someone else's relationship ultimately.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Sat 05-Nov-16 20:46:46

It's all made more difficult because younger DSC are still living with their mum and she's not rejected them (yet). I think it's really hard to know how best to help when it's someone else's relationship ultimately.

I felt the same. DSD2 was rejected by her mum, lived with us for 5 years. However no one else saw this as a rejection, DSD felt she saw her mum enough, they did have sporadic contact, half an hour. However the two youngest lived with their Mum during the week. It does feel very different to those whose mother never sees them at all. I just couldn't get anywhere with DSD2, her mum definitely kept a hold despite never seeing her.

She's back living with her Mum because her mum encouraged her to ignore me and disagree with absolutely everything. Her Mum now wants her to live with her Dad - (I'm never mentioned... ). Basically it's like cloudy - I'm just someone who gets bought into the void of her erratic mum/daughter relationship - its' nothing to do with me and in the end, as I'm not accepted, I'm of little help so best staying well clear - that way at least the void is noticed. If that makes sense.

Thatwaslulu Sat 05-Nov-16 20:49:35

My DSS x 2 lived with us and saw their mum once a fortnight, with overnight once a month.

HmmmmBop Sat 05-Nov-16 21:01:45

DSD moved in with us about a month after her 16th (kicked out by mum for some fairly standard teenage behaviour). Her mother contacted her about twice to ask if she wanted to bring her friends to a body shop party and then nothing at all until DSD got pregnant 13 years later.

Don't know how she could do it to her own daughter but to hear birth mums version (DSS is still in contact) she's totally flummoxed by it all and feels she's the victim.

cloudyday99 Sun 06-Nov-16 09:12:25

It's very odd really, to reject one but keep the others. I could sort of understand it better in situations like some of the above when the mum just decides to prioritise a career, or that parenting isn't for her. But it must be harder not to blame yourself if you're the only child reflected. Does your DSD have any regrets about losing touch Hmmmm?

Your situation sounds even harder bananas. Thankfully DSS's mum has no hold on him. He's pretty dismissive of her and ask her views on things. And now that he's with us full time I'm finding it a lot easier to parent him and mostly he's up for that.

The worst thing is that DH's ex has blamed DH for plotting with DSS to live with us, and told the other kids that this was behind her back, when in fact she was writing emails to DH slating DSS really horribly and telling DH that we needed to take him as she'd had enough. We didn't share these emails with DSS, so as not to hurt him, but now means we can't correct the lie that she's telling the other kids angry

HmmmmBop Sun 06-Nov-16 10:59:08

None, her perception is that her mum kicked her out and chose to cut contact with her. She doesn't want anything to do with her and hasn't since the age of 16, she calls me mum and views herself as part of this family only. Funnily enough the step dad's two kids don't have anything to do with the parents either (not sure why). It's just DSS and the two 'shared' kids who have maintained contact. DSD is all kinds of messed up about it but gets on OK on a day to day basis, she's very emotionally needy but fortunately has found a DH with the perfect 'match' and they now have a DD (which was the only time that birth mum got in contact).

Our observations (DH and I), which have never been discussed with either child was that they were treated very much as second class citizens, photos of shared kids around the house but none of the kids from the first marriage, bought a car which wasn't big enough to carry all four kids so left the older two at home when going away for days out / holidays etc.

We've always been very neutral, never offered an opinion or information so that they can form their own views. DSD view is that her birth mum is an egg donor, DSS view is that she is his mum and he loves her. Sadly DSS and DSD don't understand each others views at all and it's starting to become an issue for things like parties / weddings where DSD won't be in the same place as birth mum.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Sun 06-Nov-16 20:24:32

hmmbop That is really shocking and sad, a relationship just thrown away, and both kids not being able to at least lean on each other. I can understand it must bring up mixed feelings.

cloudy That does seem similar to my situation in a way! There are consequences, sounds like your DSSs mother just wants to control things.

NerdyBird Mon 07-Nov-16 01:38:46

DSDs live with DP and me. They see their mum every other weekend.They spend roughly half the holidays with her. She doesn't seem to want to see them more often and she chose to marry a man who is a child abuser (on SOR) which means he cannot have contact with the children. She seems to love them, but clearly less than her new husband.

CannotEvenDeal Wed 16-Nov-16 22:44:24

Hi all, sorry I've not been online for a while... it was interesting to read the range of replies.

My dss' bio mum is trying for a baby with her new husband and as settled as he is with us, it would surely have an effect on him. Part of me wouldn't even want to tell him... in essence it's not my place to but I guess we'll cross that bridge if/when we get to it.

We have definitely considered adoption and I am very interested, as is dss... however I'm worried about it being very stressful even though it would be uncontested. Actually that's a point, if I did adopt dss then his bio mum's new baby wouldn't legally be his sibling... I will never understand but I can't stop trying to for some reason.

I suppose the main thing is that dss is happy, settled and undeniably loved by both dh and me.

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