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Any other stepmums get really peed off with unplanned visits?

(27 Posts)
lorien99 Wed 19-Oct-16 09:04:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fourormore Wed 19-Oct-16 09:08:21

I suspect you'll get some criticism for this but I agree with you. If you're expecting your children to be elsewhere and they turn up unannounced or with very little notice, it can be annoying. My ex and I agree to let each other know at least 24 hours before if there's any changes (except for emergencies, obviously). Hell would freeze over before DHs ex would let him have the children even 5 minutes more than set out in the court order!

lorien99 Wed 19-Oct-16 09:24:38

Yes - it's just more notice that I would appreciate. Emergencies are a different matter - no-one can plan for those. Thanks for agreeing with me ..... I just needed to vent. BTW - I knew what I was taking on when I got into a relationship with a man with kids, but that still doesn't stop feelings getting to me every now and then! smile

Dollyparton3 Wed 19-Oct-16 14:01:09

same here. We're EOW and there was a period of 6 months when DSD didnt see her dad at all because he'd told her off for inappropriate social media use. So it's lovely that she wants to see us now for the occasional weekend when we're not meant to have her.

BUT SHE'S SOOOOO High maintenance she's exhausting. I go from having a nice unpressured weekend ahead to being a Taxi Driver, fashion advisor, shopping buddy, agony aunt, chef, maid etc etc.

As Lorien99, I get what I was getting into but working and commuting as much as I do, I just need a break every now and then. It drives me beserk.

Rockingaround Wed 19-Oct-16 14:09:05

I can feel the flaming BUT ... Meant to have them? planned visits? notice? hmm they are your partners/husbands flesh and blood .... It's supposed to feel like their home, their dads were there when they were born, the children should come when they like for however long they want. If the step-parents don't like it then go do something else, your partners should spend the time with their kids, if they're too busy or at work and your babysitting - that's your gripe- you have DH problem.

bluebell9 Wed 19-Oct-16 14:32:23

That would drive me nuts! And its very unfair of the mum to do this, it sounds like a control thing to me. I find it frustrating when my SCs mum rings up saying she on her way already and will drop the kids off early or she turns up late for collection/isn't in when the kids are due to be dropped off. But at least we don't get unannounced visits. I feel for you OP

Lunar1 Wed 19-Oct-16 15:09:26

If she's abusive and manipulative I imagine he will be hoping to let her have them as little as possible. Adding onto that, neglectful if she's letting children who are too young out alone he's probably building up a good case to have his children living with him full time.

Somerville Wed 19-Oct-16 15:26:01

How lovely that your step-children want to spend more time with their father, OP.

And since their mother is abusive, it's understandable - and better - for them to be spending more time away from her, no?

BTW I hope your DH has petitioned Court to let him become resident parent. It makes him abusive too if he doesn't.

Fourormore Wed 19-Oct-16 16:20:52

I love how often "go to court for residence" crops up on Mumsnet, as if it's so easy. It's a horrific, traumatic process for everyone involved.

Lunar1 Wed 19-Oct-16 16:35:32

It's not easy no, but with all the time he has them and evidence of abuse it won't be too hard.

mouldycheesefan Wed 19-Oct-16 16:39:05

If mum is abusive they are better off with you full time. Hope your partners applications is successful if the children are being manipulated and abused by their mum.

Fourormore Wed 19-Oct-16 17:17:59

Won't be too hard?
Do you have direct experience of such an application?

Lunar1 Wed 19-Oct-16 17:26:42

The mother is manipulative and abusive. The children are spending more and more time with their dad every week. The mum is now letting children not old enough take themselves to their dads, how does she even know they get there safely?

While there is never an easy court case, this one seems to have lots of evidence in the dads favour, and has got to be a battle worth fighting in the circumstances.

Somerville Wed 19-Oct-16 17:44:20

Matters like these being taken to court is less difficult and traumatic for children than being abused by RP and nothing being done about it, in my opinion.

But it seems unlikely that RP is abusive, since the step-mother would rather the DC were with RP more. confused In threads like these I can never work out whether they really believe RP is abusive and yet still want the children to spend more time there to enable more couple time with NRP - which is stupid and compounds any abuse. Or if they're exaggerating the 'abuse' to themselves so as to pin the blame for the kids coming over so much on the RP rather than admit to themselves that the NRP is allowing/encouraging the extra contact because they love their DC and put spending time with them ahead of couple time.

mixety Wed 19-Oct-16 18:11:43

the children should come when they like for however long they want

I disagree with this. For example, they shouldn't be able to come there when they are supposed to be in school. Id say when they are supposed to be spending time with their other parent (who they don't seem to see much) might be another time when arguably they shouldn't be able to just come when they want. Flexibility and taking into account what the children want are good thing, letting them decide which house they go to when is taking that good thing to an extreme that is not necessarily as good.

We've just had a thread ob tgus topic where lots if excellent pounts were raised about the problems that can start to arise when children choose which parents house to go when.

Petal02 Wed 19-Oct-16 18:32:15

Somerville- is it so wrong for the OP to want some couple time? They have the DSC every weekend.

lookluv Wed 19-Oct-16 21:29:44

Her DP is a father 24/7/365 - he does not get to switch it on or off when he feels like it.

Being allowed to book in, give 24hrs notice to see their DF - change their minds etc - just is not allowed for DSCs - Ex must be a pisspoor parent

mixety Wed 19-Oct-16 21:37:23

Apologies for terrible phone typos in last post

Also, where is all this talk of the mother being abusive coming from? The fact that OP said the DC are in her opinion too young to be taking off by themselves to their dads house under their own steam but sometimes they do anyway?

blondieblondie Wed 19-Oct-16 21:49:36

Yeah, you didn't paint yourself in the best light there, OP. Let's hope they never decide to live with their dad full time, eh?

Lunar1 Wed 19-Oct-16 22:54:59

Mix, the op said she was abusive and manipulative in her first post.

Maybeitsthered Wed 19-Oct-16 23:00:47

God every time i read these threads on MN I thank my lucky stars that the kids have a step mum who loves them like her own.

In fact I've just sent her a text to tell her so!

Wdigin2this Wed 19-Oct-16 23:25:20

Didn't get to read the OP, as it's now gone. Anyway, yes the DF's house should also be home to the DSC, but when you have a split family, you have to have some balance. So, if the DF & DSM have them every week, then their DM gets childfree weekends, shouldn't the DF be entitled to time off too?

Somerville Wed 19-Oct-16 23:31:53

Petal Wanting 'couple time' of course isn't wrong. It's what babysitters, and locks on the inside of adults' bedrooms, are for.

But complaining about children interrupting couple time when they should be with their mother and in the same paragraph describing the children's mother as abusive is rather a contradiction.
No good parent - or good step-parent - would enjoy their couple time knowing that the children of the family were right that moment being manipulated and abused. The whole thing makes no sense.

If OP was exaggerating and there isn't abuse then it's simple - her and her DH need to plan to go out every Wednesday evening (or whatever) and tell the kids that if they're going to be there on a Wednesday then need at least a week notice so they can book a babysitter.

Somerville Wed 19-Oct-16 23:34:39

I missed that lorien has had her OP deleted. confused

Twogoats Wed 19-Oct-16 23:36:43

Poor kids sad

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