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First baby but not your partner's

(18 Posts)
user1476733474 Mon 17-Oct-16 21:02:13

Hi all, new here although I have been lurking for a while smile I'm a step mum of a brilliant little girl, and have a fantastic relationship with my partner. I was just wondering if anyone has had similar feelings to me, and if so, did they ever go away? My partner and I have talked about having children quite a lot in the past six months, and it's beginning to become more of a real possibility, but every now and then, I cannot shake some horrible feelings about not being able to share the first time we both have a child. I've wanted children since I was one myself, and I have always imagined it with rose-tinted glasses on. However, I can't help but feel that maybe I will be comparing myself in those moments to my partner's past experiences, and I find it incredibly upsetting that he already has another mother of his child, and he won't be sharing the same emotions as me (nerves and disbelief and new feelings he's never felt before). I have spoken to my partner about this before briefly, and he has tried to comfort me by saying that when I'm pregnant or giving birth or whatever, that won't even be on my mind, because I'll have a baby of my very own inside me, and it will be the first time he has planned to have a child and with someone he loves. He has expressed concern though that it does seem to upset me quite a bit sometimes, and maybe I shouldn't have children with someone who already has them if that is how I feel. I have thought long and hard in the past, and he is the man I love and want to spend my life with, and years later, I know that it won't matter any more. However, I don't know how to get over these feelings! Also, how did you deal with thoughts of wanting a different hospital and a different birthday and a different gender just to make it as dissimilar as possible to the first time? Does anyone have any advice or experience they can share that might help? Many thanks smile

LHReturns Mon 17-Oct-16 21:37:01

Awww, OP, you are totally normal and all that is entirely natural! I have been there!

But I would say when it happens you will barely think about it.

My DH has two children from his first marriage. We didn't actually plan our DS for long - we had only been dating about 5 months when BF (at the time) told me how much I would love a baby, and how we should do it (embarrassing and immature I accept). My coil needed changing, didn't replace it, and one month later I was pregnant. The story is more complex than that, but not relevant here - and has all ended very happily!

In terms of your specific concern - many times when I was pregnant the fact that (now) DH had seen it all before (twice) was helpful. If he pitched it carefully in a non-judgey way I could accept and value his advice.

Sometimes he would NOT pitch his advice carefully, and then I can assure you I told him fast! Either I would snap that 'don't patronise me, not my fault this is so boring for you', or 'Jesus, can you just let me discover it for myself as I haven't done this before!', or 'maybe I would like to do it differently this time!'.

I was always semi-careful to bark at him in a good humoured way, he always knew what I meant and backed off.

On the small stuff - his son and daughter's first names start with the same letter. I always knew there is NO WAY I would use that letter! We actually have used the same hospital (well known private London one - I still fancied it even tho he had been there before).

I must say I never ever think about this now. Our DS is now 2.5 and absolutely besotted with his fantastic half brother and sister - we literally cannot have them with us enough to satisfy him! And they love him so much too. We are a happy family and I am so grateful that my DS has siblings to enjoy fun times and live with. DH and I are equally learning how to parent all three of them at the various stages in life they have now reached.

As my DSD and DSS are now 12 and 9 I recently realised that the age gap is a bit big to be genuinely full time family (and they don't live with us - we have them every other weekend, plus about 6 holiday weeks through the year). So, HO HUM, here I am nearly 8 weeks pregnant trying to grow my son's beloved family for him. I despise being pregnant and don't especially like the newborn stage.

I never even think about he fact that DH was a parent before me now. Seriously - I am just so happy he is the father of my child(ren).

I totally understand how you feel before he event, but if he is the man for you it would be SO sad to deny yourself that happiness because of some potential insecurity which I doubt will be an issue. When you are doing it you don't have much time to worry about whether DH has done it before!

LHReturns Mon 17-Oct-16 21:54:50

One more thing OP - I didn't truly fall in love with my DSD and DSS until I became a mother myself. That has been another wonderful aspect to our blended family - I so better understand my DH'a utter devotion to his first two now and that is very helpful as we go through life together.

user1476733474 Mon 17-Oct-16 22:12:19

LHReturns - thank you so much for such a lovely and thoughtful message! That really helped and I think I'll bookmark it for when I'm feeling down grin Honestly it can be so hard becoming part of an already existing family, and it's just nice to know that other people understand! It's definitely nice to hear it from the point of view of somebody who is way down the line - that has reassured me that in the years to come, it won't even cross my mind. I recently accidentally came across some pictures from the day step daughter was born, and it made me really emotional and upset, but you're so right when you say that it's not worth sacrificing so much potential love and happiness for the sake of some silly insecurities. Hopefully when the time comes, it will not even cross my mind smile

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 18-Oct-16 16:18:40

Yes I agree with the above poster, it is very natural to feel this way.

I was lucky as I already had an older child, but it still felt a little 'second best' to be having a baby with DP and know that it wasn't his first. Even though it also wasn't mine either! It isn't an easy thing to do, to have the grace and humbleness to have a child with someone who is already a parent. Really hard.

And yet, not having the indulgence of being 'the only one' in our partner's life can be a healthy lesson for us all! It can really help to stop us getting too above ourselves, too focused on our little family, too insular and self obsessed.

There is also nothing like having a baby with our partner to solidify the often very precarious position of being the second partner, after they have committed to another with children. I know that my DPs Ex kicked off for a bit when we had a baby, and there was a certain amount of trying to 'claw back' someone that she felt she still had priority claim to. After this died down a bit, it really gave us the feeling that me and my DP were in it for the long run, and the DSCs too. Basically everyone takes you more seriously, the in laws, the kids, the Ex, everyone. You can also see parts of the your step kids literally in the personality and physical nature of your own flesh and blood, your baby. There is no more profound way to link to DPs children as well as your DP.

And of course, there is something to be said for having a partner who isn't so worried and can be a little more experienced around childcare, it helps to have that reassurance at times! flowers

milkyface Tue 18-Oct-16 16:31:50

I felt like this.

I told him I didn't want him to mention anything about ex's pregnancy or ex or even how ss was as a baby.

I am close with ss but I didn't want my baby compared to him because it wasn't him iyswim.

I wanted it to be completely different as a pp said, but I think all pregnancy and babies are different anyway.

A few times he accidentally said oh ex wasn't like this or don't you have cravings ex did and tbh I lost my shit because I'd specifically said I don't want to know.

I probably sound absolutely batshit but at the time it was really difficult with ex because she was nasty (I'm saying was its still true actually) and threatening, and I just wanted her out of my life which obviously isn't possible, so next best thing was to not hear anything about her.

To some extent I feel the same way and purposely live my life completely different than she did, and does, although I was doing that anyway pre even meeting dp.

I dunno. What you're feeling is natural but once you're pregnant and especially when you have a baby you'll probably forget about it unless your dp like mine compares, I think it's ok to be unhappy about that though.

LHReturns Tue 18-Oct-16 16:36:26

Bananas you described it so eloquently.

This is so true:

Basically everyone takes you more seriously, the in laws, the kids, the Ex, everyone.

AND

You can also see parts of the your step kids literally in the personality and physical nature of your own flesh and blood, your baby. There is no more profound way to link to DPs children as well as your DP.

Certainly made a huge and positive impact on my feelings for my lovely step kids.

milkyface Tue 18-Oct-16 16:39:53

Basically everyone takes you more seriously, the in laws, the kids, the Ex, everyone.

I wish that were true for me!

In laws favour ss and other grandkids, and fil favours ex over me (same ex that threatened me and dp, same ex that punched do in the face) don't think ss thinks any different but I'm happy with that we get on, the ex, pah! She still thinks I'm a 'phase' grin

The joys eh!

Hopefully, op, you will not experience any of this and your blended family will work well, as many can and do!

user1476733474 Tue 18-Oct-16 17:20:00

Bananasinpyjamas1

Thank you so much for your message. My partner and his ex-gf were not a serious couple anyway (which is another reason why I get so annoyed about them sharing a child because it makes them seem like they were), but I still feel a bit like the second idiot to the party! Don't get me wrong, I love my little family, but I just struggle with how I feel people view me, and how my partner will always have memories of bonding in such a profound way with another woman. It makes me feel very left out. It definitely feels like his ex thinks she's still got a right to him, so hopefully she'll get rid of her sense of entitlement. I also hate the thought of my child being linked to her or her other children (not my partner's) in any way. But what a load of lovely positives. Thank you!

milkyface

That's exactly how I feel. I've told my partner I don't want ANY comparisons, I want my pregnancy and children to be completely isolated from when he's experienced before, and he is understanding. I just dread to think how I'd react if he accidentally said something like your OH did when I'm pumped with hormones! I totally get you on wanting to live your life very differently - his ex and I are VERY different people, and she's not the kind of person I ever want to be associated with or put in the same box as. I'm so sorry to hear about your in laws! That sounds like a nightmare. My partner's mother 'feels sorry' for the ex and so maintains contact despite my partner clearly expressing that he wants it to stop. The whole family has called me by her name before my accident. Doesn't exactly feel great, but they have told my partner that they think I'm brilliant for him and to hold on to me, so at least there's that. They are completely infatuated with my SD, and I'm totally worried that there would be favouritism, but I'm pretty sure my partner wouldn't have it and would set them straight. At the end of the day, my child would be my mum's first grandchild, so I guess they'd get enough love from my side of the family.

Lunar1 Tue 18-Oct-16 19:08:35

He can separate his ex's pregnancy from what you may experience, but they will both be his children. I don't think he could help comparing his children, he will see physical similarities and differences, the same with behaviour and development. How will you feel about him talking about his child and your shared child together?

user1476733474 Tue 18-Oct-16 19:40:22

Lunar1

I don't mind that at all! I love my SD, I just don't want to be compared personally to his ex-girlfriend, or for our family to be linked to her family, which includes children to several other men who AREN'T my partner.

LHReturns Tue 18-Oct-16 19:54:50

I agree entirely OP. I love my stepchildren too, and as I have got to know them over the last 4 years, and watched them be a wonderful brother and sister to my DS, I am so happy and proud that they are part of my family. My DS is much happier when hey are with us, and that makes me so happy too.

user1476733474 Tue 18-Oct-16 20:15:49

Yeah definitely. I myself was born into a blended family. My dad had a daughter prior to marrying my mum (spookily similar to my life!), and so I grew up with an older half sister as well as my younger sister. I remember the two of us being so excited when she came to stay with us! I don't doubt that my mum found it hard though because my dad was previously married, and she never got to meet his parents, whereas his first wife did. To this day, my mum, my sister and I are not very involved with my dad's family, whereas my half sister is.

CannotEvenDeal Tue 18-Oct-16 21:23:44

Interesting post op...

I also love my step child a great deal and weirdly enough my dh and his ex were not particularly 'serious' either and just ended up getting married. By their admissions on both sides they knew it wasn't quite right but ended up going through with the wedding etc etc but it ended when she had an affair... however the difference in my situation was that my dh's exw then wanted to put her old life very much behind her and granted residency to me and dh. She has had no contact with dss for several years and I've raised him as my own. (I wasn't the ow, they divorced when dss was very young and I met dh soon after) That was over 10 years ago now...

It's funny how things turn out I suppose. I'll definitely consider myself a mother of 2 if we have a baby.

user1476733474 Tue 18-Oct-16 21:56:03

CannotEvenDeal

That's a very strange situation! I'm glad things seem to have worked out for you though smile Does your SC call you mum then?

CannotEvenDeal Tue 18-Oct-16 22:03:02

Oh yes, always! He does still remember his biological mum and we've never, ever shut the door but he insists that he only has one mum, the one 'who is always there and looks after him'.

Likewise we've always to her that she is welcome in our home to visit dss but she has remarried and moved abroad now. She has said that she would not contest adoption of dss by me so we might well look into that, especially if I do have a baby so that they can be full siblings.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Wed 19-Oct-16 00:37:00

milkyface Oh so sorry that you are not being taken more seriously on the whole with your in laws etc. It must be hard to be constantly compared with your DPs Ex and not respected as his partner now.

cannot You are his Mum in just about all senses of the word, and he is lucky to have you!

OP - I do hope it works out for you. I do think the positive outweigh any of the, probably inevitable 'comparisons' that sometimes come up. Also, it did make me a little more compassionate about my DSCs. After all, our baby, me and DPs, has the luxury of having both of his parents living together, bringing him up together. The DSCs, although they may have come first, no longer have that.

user1476733474 Wed 19-Oct-16 10:10:37

CannotEvenDeal

Aww that sounds like you've got a lovely little family smile You all sound very lucky!

Bananas

Thank you smile Yes I really want it to work out, it's just difficult sometimes when you can't get things out of your head. I do feel bad for my SD, although she doesn't mind too much as her parents broke up before she was 1 so she knows no different. I just try to remember that this will be the first proper time my OH has been a full-time parent, and hopefully our new family will provide some much needed stability for my SD, who seems to be thriving off the routine.

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