Disney Dad didn't stop(9 Posts)
DP has always been a bit Disney with his 4 kids but I sort of understood it as he only saw them EOW. However about 18 months ago, the eldest (now 14) moved in with us FT as his mum chucked him out. I gave it a bit of time but the Disney Dad hasn't really stopped. DSS does nothing. Doesn't have hobbies (except sitting on his bum gaming hogging our tv), doesn't lift a finger around the house, has an answer for everything, is simply bone idle. I appreciate this is generic teenage boy but DP really does nothing to try and encourage DSS to do anything. He just seems to constantly be making excuses for him. AIBU?
YANBU at all. But what are your options? Continue to try forcing your dh to change? become the bad cop with dss?
Is any of that the way you want to live your life. I'd ask yourself what would need to change in order for you to be happy.
Whilst you're not unreasonable to be fed up about it, you know this was already how he parented. He is probably also concerned about his son's emotional well being after being 'chucked out' by one parent.
You could make an attempt at getting him to meet his child's needs more effectively - taking him to sports/outdoor pursuits, and teaching him essential life skills like cooking and laundry would be a good start, as well as looking into counselling for him. But old habits die hard and if he won't then you've got a desicion to make...
Also, will their mother 'chuck out' any more of the children and what's your reaction to having more of them with you FT...?
His mother has chucked him out, do you think there is an element of depression there? From experience, no matter how terrible a person your mother is (mine is an alcoholic) being rejected by the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally hurts like hell and it takes years to get over it.
Try talking to your DP from this angle, get him to see that keeping just (at least some of the time) is beneficial for depression and encourage them to do things together. If it goes well you can slowly start expecting him to act as a full member of the household.
Oh and get him a tv for his bedroom (finances permitting) that way you aren't inconvenienced by the gaming.
This sounds very familiar. Dp has 4 kids and 1 moved in full time with us.
We talked about how we had to parent her differently as she was full time and he agreed but simply couldn't do it. He was always scared she'd just up and leave us like she left Mum.
To the person who said get a tv for his room, what if dss doesn't want to sit in his room? Dsd had everything in her room but simply hogged the front room instead. Dp refused to ask her to give us anytime at all. He just didn't want to upset a 14/15/16/17 year old and expect her to give us some space.
I nearly left many times. It was bloody awful. Dsd isn't a bad girl but I just needed a break from her and frankly thought it was so unhealthy for her, let alone us!
One day she just upped and went to her room and became a recluse in her room. Again, nothing was said or done. She's now left for university and is, it seems, understandably struggling with the social aspect.
She also did virtually nothing around the house despite us agreeing house rules. Dp just wouldn't remind her or push her on anything. Any fool knows you don't just ask a teen to do a chore once - you have to remind them!
I have no answers, hopefully your dp is easier to communicate with than mine was / is.
Not sure real reason mum chucked him out. She had new baby with new DP and it seemed one in one out. He was the hardest to manage of the kids so probably the easiest to "lose". It's so sad as she's invited him to stay 3x in 18 months, and is alienating him from his siblings now. I can't give up on him but I suppose expressing it here helps me understand why DP is a bit soft on him... x
Could your dp maybe get him into a shared hobby for them both.help get him away from the gaming.at least it could be a start.
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