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Would this annoy you?

(31 Posts)
poppytc Tue 11-Oct-16 13:38:28

Hi everyone,

So my partner officially moved in over the weekend. He's been living here for a while now but this weekend he got the last of his stuff and brought it over.

I've always made room for his things etc and he said there wouldn't be much more, just some stuff he's been keeping in his mums loft. Most of it was his daughters toys - she's 12. Had absolutely no problem with this and made some room.

I came home on Sunday to an absolute bomb site. Everything he had brought home was just junk. And absolutely filthy. I wanted to just cry, I suffer from OCD and especially bad when things are messy and nothing has a home/place.

Anyway I started to sort through it all, to be fair, some of it he said we could throw away but not much.

What's really really frustrated me is his daughter, I've always had a brilliant relationship with her. Most of the stuff that was left were boxes of her stuff. There were jigsaw boxes with only 4 pieces in the box, old barbie accessories but no barbies. Craft type things that had all been used - old paints and glue that had all dried up etc. DVD cases with no dvds in. Even a huge play dough thing she played with years ago with all dried play dough stuck to it. Even her old knickers which made me feel quite sick as they hadn't been washed. She wouldn't let us get rid of any of it. There's literally 5 huge cardboard boxes full of her crap that she says she needs to keep. (Incase she happens to find the rest of the jigsaws or dvds or her barbies which is impossible) I have absolutely no where to put all this stuff. I'm so mad at my partner for but bringing it all and expecting me to find somewhere for it. When it all needs to go in the bin anyway. I've already bought new drawers for his clothes etc, I refuse to pay for anymore storage.

This is really stressing me out, I know it's not a massive problem but I just feel my house that I work so hard on keeping nice for everyone is just full of crap now. I'm not one to keep things, when my kids have stopped playing with their toys and out grown them, they go to the charity shop. He seems to be a hoarder (if that's the word)

Would this annoy you or am I being daft? Every time I walk past all this junk in my kitchen and dining room I just want to scream. He's lived here long enough to know what I'm like and how I suffer from OCD - had therapy and controlled it well up until now.

I do want him and his daughter to feel like this is their home too, I do everything I can for them both and I treat his daughter like she is my own when she's here. I always tell her this is her home and to feel comfortable. I just feel like I'm being take advantage of a little bit because I literally do everything for them both.

And yes I have told him this is stressing me out, he just keeps telling me he will sort it but who knows when that will be.

Anyway rant over lol

poppytc Tue 11-Oct-16 13:41:07

I should also point out all this stuff has been in his mums loft for well over a year so it's not like she plays with any of it too......argh lol

Sunnyfeet Tue 11-Oct-16 13:57:40

OP - is your house going to be his daughter's main home, or does she live with her mum most of the time? If it's the latter, then surely that's where most of the 'junk' should be going?

SheldonsSpot Tue 11-Oct-16 14:02:11

Tell your partner that anything that has lived in the loft, and anything that can't be put away easily and tidily, needs to go into storage.

Google the details of a couple of storage units near you and print them out and give them to him.

Tell them this needs to be done by a deadline and if it's not then you will hire a skip - set a date, and stick to it.

milkshakeandmonstermunch Tue 11-Oct-16 14:05:32

That would annoy me. Everything needs a place in my house. Surely the DVDs, other jigsaw pieces etc must be in one of the 5 boxes?

poppytc Tue 11-Oct-16 14:18:02

Milkshakeandmonstermunch - nope I've searched through them all. It's just basically 5 big boxes full of cardboard boxes which are full of junk.

She lives with her mum but her mum has already said she's not having any of it - I'm guessing she knew what I was talking about lol.

I'm just going to have to stick it all in my loft - step daughter has asked me not too as she doesn't want it to get even more filthy but I think she's old enough to understand my point and I think she's just being difficult anyway to be honest. I've never known this side of her before and this is my first sort of dilemma as a step mother. If she would at least let me throw the card board boxes away I could get it down to just one big box probably but I feel I can't as it's her things obviously and she had it way before I came into her life.

It's going in the loft, decision made. It's gonna cause arguments when she comes tonight but I suppose it's my house and my rules so end of. I'm going to be tough, need to stop being so soft all the time.

The OCD in me is still going to stress me out knowing there's a load of crap in my loft though lol.

Somerville Tue 11-Oct-16 14:37:06

My fiancé just rented his flat out and moved his belongings in, also after having lived here for a while without much stuff. It involved a bit of compromise - but not a compromise of having my peaceful living areas cluttered with crap. I have had to make space for an ugly leather sofa

We did go and do a packing session together, and agree on some things he wouldn't bring as we just don't need them. He did a combination of leaving them for tenants and giving things away.

I would say to your DP "There isn't space for any of us to have boxes of belongings around. They can go in my loft, back to your mum's, or you can rent a storage unit. Decide with your DD which she prefers. It needs to happen by the end of this week and we need to present a united front - please don't blame me for this to your daughter. It is about the physical amount of space, it is nothing personal."

Don't back down - you need tight boundaries here.
Don't talk to her directly - it is his issue to resolve.
Continue to make it clear that this is not about it being her stuff, but that extra boxes belonging to anyone will not be tolerated in the shared living space.

everythingis Tue 11-Oct-16 14:53:03

If this was me i would handle it by making your dsd as comfy in your home as you can manage. Frame some photos which include her and out them on display. Take her to choose some new bedding for when she stays over or pyjamas or whatever you can stretch to for now.
In between visits get rid of the junk and tell your dp he needs to back you up on this.
Yanbu

swingofthings Tue 11-Oct-16 15:55:19

It sounds like now comes the start of compromises and rules and you all better get on with it sooner or later.

1- Make it clear that this is an issue for you because of the mess. That you are OCD, that if needed you will try to work through it, but as it stands, the mess is making you very anxious

2- Say that you respect that it is HER things and that although you cannot comprehend why she would want to keep it, you respect that you can't decide for her what she can and can't keep

3- agree on a timescale by which she will go through all the bags and decides what she really want to keep. She devises 3 piles, 1 for throw away (ie. the dirty knickers), 1 for things that she wants to keep but as keepstakes and therefore can go in loft in boxes that you can buy together so it is all safe and protected, and 1 (much smaller) for the things she wants to keep that will go in her room.

4- Start to work-out rules around tidiness around the house that you can all agree is reasonable.

I and my two messy kids moved in with a single man, very house proud, with OCD tendencies. It has not been easy, but we got there gradually. From his perspective, he felt invaded in his place and felt overwhelmed. Me and the kids felt like we were moving into a museum worried to be told off for touching the wrong things! The kids and I made real efforts to try to follow his rules and alleviate his stress, but it paid off in that he gradually got used to sharing the house and stopped acting like he was running an inspection each time he came home. 6 years later and we're ok most of the time. He still struggles with the state of the kids' room (I don't blame him, but they are perfect teenagers otherwise, so you have to pick your battles), and he still has his moments, but more and more often, it's me who gets aggravated with untidiness (and lights that HE has left on!!).

Just remember that they are no more right in their ways than you are, you just need to find the right middle and do so with understanding and respect.

WiseUpJanetWeiss Tue 11-Oct-16 15:56:36

Does she have her own room at yours? If so the whole lot gets dumped in there, in her way not yours, and you close the door and never go in.

Worked as a strategy for my own DS's unspeakable mess and is working OK for DSS (who is actually quite tidy).

NataliaOsipova Tue 11-Oct-16 15:59:01

Totally digressing here - but Somerville - you're getting married? That's fantastic news!

NataliaOsipova Tue 11-Oct-16 16:02:51

OP - don't think you are unreasonable at all, but probably best to handle it gently. Could you say - kindly - to get that it needs to go into the loft for now so nobody is falling over it, but that of course she can have it down a box at a time to go through whenever she wants? That way you're not telling her she can't have her stuff, but you are dealing with the immediate mess....

Somerville Tue 11-Oct-16 16:44:31

I am, Nat, thanks. smile

NataliaOsipova Tue 11-Oct-16 16:49:11

Oh Somerville - congratulations! I remember your lovely (pun definitely intended!) thread. What fantastic news. Definitely deserves its own thread if you're up for that!

ChuckBiscuits Tue 11-Oct-16 16:55:06

Why is it not put in her room?

poppytc Tue 11-Oct-16 16:57:40

She shares a room with my daughter, she already has her own toys and things in there. Her own drawers with toys and other bits in. It's in the loft now anyway, I wouldn't leave it in my daughters bedroom as that's not fair on my daughter. We will see what happens, hopefully she will just forget about it and I can get rid of bits gradually, she wouldn't even know if I chucked anything as there's so much and she never plays with it. Thank you for everyone's comments and congrats to the person getting married :-) x

Somerville Tue 11-Oct-16 16:58:33

I did update the old one after a few people bumped it asking questions like yours. smile And I also have a wedding dress thread in S&B where there are now so many beautiful dresses recommended that I have too much choice. grin

<apologies for hijack OP and I hope your partner has heard you out about moving it all to the loft>

Somerville Tue 11-Oct-16 17:02:59

X post OP and thanks. smile

I know it must be more complicated with blended families, but with my kids I just get rid of old and broken stuff while they're at school. <wicked mother>

cheekyfunkymonkey Tue 11-Oct-16 17:22:10

Just don't make a big del out of it and 'disappear' it after. Few weeks when she's forgotten about it. She's just insisting as a power thing. Let her think she has won and feel comfortable. If having it around a few weeks is too much then your DP needs to deal. No reason you should be the bad guy.

Wdigin2this Tue 11-Oct-16 21:58:56

That would drive me * INSANE* !!!!!!!

mixety Wed 12-Oct-16 06:56:44

Glad ot is in the loft now.

I dont have anything like the same scale of problem, but I do find it frustrating that DP believes nothing of DSS's should be chucked out unless it is his decision, but DSS never agrees to throwing anything out! The dining room is bursting with board games he loved when he was 4 but hasn't played for years since then, old jigsaws etc and in his room there are again tons of toys he hasn't played with for years but insists he might again one day.

Actually this thread has reminded me to sort out the stuff in the dining room and put all the games we haven't played for years up in his room. Thanks!

mixety Wed 12-Oct-16 07:01:22

...and i can see there might be an argument that some step kids feel a sense of security to have lots of their stuff in their second home. But sometimes I think that's over thinking it. Once every couple of years DSS's (lovely) mum will see his bedroom here and comment on how ridiculous it is for him to keep so many things he has outgrown, grab a box and like a whirlwind chivvy him into agreeing to get rid of a load of stuff. Job done. If only DP would do the same, but he won't and I am not quite comfortable doing it myself.

ChuckBiscuits Wed 12-Oct-16 07:06:05

She shares a room with my daughter, she already has her own toys and things in there. Her own drawers with toys and other bits in.

I am not being funny but if a step child wants things then they go in their room. If there is already other stuff in there, you say 'ok, so you need to make space by throwing some of your other stuff away or giving it to charity. Here's a box, a bin bag and I'll come back in an hour and we can see what is going where'. Let them make the decision what to keep and what not to keep.

SoupDragon Wed 12-Oct-16 07:07:59

and I can get rid of bits gradually,

Don't do this. Your DSD needs to be the one in control of getting rid of it - encourage her to sell stuff, give stuff to charity or away in freecycle to people who will pay with it and throw away or recycle rubbish as appropriate. Give her an incentive!

IzzyIsBusy Wed 12-Oct-16 07:34:22

No thought for DSD in this then?

This is a big change for her. She may have stayed at your home but now it is officially where her dad lives.
Her holding on to childhoid things is not because she wants to piss you off. Have you thought this is more her emotionally trying to adjust?

Give her a break.
Explain that her belongings are important but you all have to put things in the loft so that everyone has room.

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