I'm struggling with SS please help!(119 Posts)
New to this sort of thing but really need advice! I don't know if I'm irrational, selfish or just plain mean but me and DH have 3 children between us. DH has son (11), I have daughter (3) who DH has bought up since 1 year old and she calls dad (doesn't see biological for various reasons) and we have a 5 month old LG together. We have been together 2 years and got married 5 weeks ago. The day we got back from honeymoon SS moved in with us into a rented 2 bedroom house (LG still sleeps in my room and 3yo & 11yo shared). We have just bought a house and are currently doing it up. SS has fallen out with his mum and is determined he is living with us now. My issues are:
Firstly DH was supposed to drop DD off at school in the mornings as baby struggles with sleep but now has to do 30mile round trip to drop SS off at school so I have to drop DD off... resulting in baby being a rat bag all day... literally my children hate sleep!
Secondly the house we bought is 3 bed and my 2 were supposed to be having separate rooms. Mainly because I wake up several times a night when baby stirs (I'm sure all mums are like that!) and because in every house we have lived my 3yo has never had a room to call her own. Now SS has to have own room, taking baby's room meaning she has to stay in with me. And in future share with eldest daughter.
Thirdly, he is ALWAYS there. Just sitting there with us. My kids go to bed at 7 and then we normally have "adult time" just me and DH but now he is there and goes to bed at same time as me (I go to bed about 9-10 due to being up most of the night with baby) so me and DH get NO alone time... we have been married 5 weeks... Surely newlyweds need time together.
Fourthly, me and DH are currently living separately as rented house lease ran out and we moved into parents whilst doing up other house. However no room for all 5 of us so DH & SS stay at new house and myself & 2 DDs stay at parents. Without SS we could all stay here.
Am I being selfish as he was never part of the plan? SS has literally changed everything and it is only benefitting him. My girls miss out on their father as he isn't here due to being at other house with SS and I miss out on my husband. I feel like SS has taken DH away from me and DDs, and any time I do get to spend with DH, SS is present.
Before SS decided he wanted to live with us, we only saw him once or twice a month (due to his own choice not ours) so I barely know the boy and have no strong feelings towards him as we haven't bonded like that yet.
Any advise on what you think or would do?
Please bare in mind I have nothing against SS, he is a lovely boy, its just the situation.
Get rid of the three year old, she sounds a pain with sleep issues anyway. Or maybe the baby, I bet she's constantly hanging around too, taking you new husband away.
Or maybe realise that your husbands child is as important as your two. Your husbands child won't ruin your family but you seeing and treating him as an outsider will.
Ok just quickly - it's normal for the girls to share while the lad gets his own room. That's just the way the cookie crumbles regarding genders sharing. If he lives with you and is the only boy and their senior by eight years, it's just common sense.
Yes...he will be there all the time because he lives there. There is light at the end of the tunnel though, in a couple of years time he won't be there all the time but skulking almost exclusively in his room. You'll never see him.
Lastly, you are asking for the moon on a stick. If he was your biological son, all that you have described would still be true. You just wouldn't resent him for it. Your dh feels the same about him as you do about your girls.
And really...how dare you say he's taking your girls' dad away. Get some perspective...you are bordering on having a brass neck. Your dh was was your stepson's dad first. If there's no room at the inn for the lad, where else would your dh be?
You'd do exactly the same.
Helpful ... NOT! So Lunar1 no actual advice just bitchy comments? So it's OK for our other children to miss out on their father because of SS? And for DH to literally wipe SS's backside, my 3yo does more for herself than 11yo.
For other people that may want to offer proper advice... SS has only fallen out with his mum because she wouldn't let him play xbox one day... no other reason.
Like I have previously said I have nothing against SS and DO NOT treat him like an outsider what so ever.
Or what Lunar said - get rid of the three year old. Her schooling is interrupting the baby's sleep pattern.
Then stepson and baby can both have a room without sharing.
I agree with lunar ditch the baby - life will be great.
Seriously op your actually bring a wicked step mother. Give your head a wobble!
He should have always been part of your plan as he is your husbands child. The same as your DD was always part of your husbands plan because she is your child.
I can't see how this little boy is always sat with you at night if your living in separate places? Or is it that your DH is spending time with you at your parents house and bringing DS with him? If that's the case once your all living together I'm sure it will get easier as he has own room. I imagine it will get easier if he lives with you full time as he will change schools etc etc.
There just seems a lot of resentment to a little boy, and you need to decide if you will make it work or walk away.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you can't expect your DH to walk away from his son anymore than you would walk away from your girls
Ok, do you have a cupboard under the stairs your husbands eldest child can live in? Is that more the advice you want?
No Lunar1 see yourself off my post please!
Thank you to everyone else as I said in op I'm looking for other people's opinions and advise regarding this as I do feel like a bitch HENCE why I said " I don't know if I'm irrational, selfish or just plain mean"!!
Not once have I said what I think is right so no need for the nastiness!
Bare in mind in the last 6 months I have had another baby, got married, bought a house and taken on SS... stressed is an understatement right now!
50BalesOfHay... no i do not love him as like I said I have seen him once maybe twice a month for the last 2 years and as he is older I struggle to talk to him about his interests, etc. If he was a smaller child I think it would be a lot easier but as I've rarely seen him, we haven't bonded massively yet.
I'm agog. Is this real? I usually weigh on the side of the SM in step parenting posts because I see it from both sides but I see no side in your favour on this post.
It is perfectly sensible for the two little girls to share a room and SS to have his own space. Where were you expecting him to sleep when he came to visit? He is your husband's child. He has taken on your DD above and beyond what he is obliged to do. Shame you can't even do the bare minimum for his kid.
Ok...maybe you need perspective like I said. That is a lot in six months I'll grant you...I can imagine you're probably buzzing a bit.
Well Lunar has offered you some perspective in quite an amusing (I thought) and clever way. You have lost the plot regards your stepson. Just imagine if your dh was sitting having the same thoughts about your three year old? Grudging the space she takes up, resenting her presence. You'd be so hurt wouldn't you?
So he gets told off by his mum and decides to move in with his dad? Were any adults consulted or did he make this decision himself?
What happens if he doesn't like some of the rules in your home? Will he pack up and leave?
His parents need to be having a talk about this. Also there is absolutely no reason why you can't set a bed time for him, say 8pm, even if he is reading quietly in his room, this will allow you and DH some alone time in the evening.
Fake it till you make it then. Your husband's child is precious, as all children are. Opening your heart to the kid or let him have his dad to himself
I think you're being unreasonable with the rooms, it makes sense for a much older boy to have his own room and two similarly aged girls to share. Also, if he has his own room he can go off and do his own thing and give you time with your DH in the evenings. The rest of it, you just come across as pissed off that this kid is invading your family. That's how your post reads. But he hasn't has he? He's as much a part of it as your two girls.
You're going to have it put up with it.
Your SS is part of your family, he's not taking his dad away from your DC, he has a decent dad who cares about him.
You've been together two years, the newly married thing I don't understand. You're hardly in the getting to know stages of your relationship.
The two girls sharing sounds sensible, and your SS having his room sounds practical he needs his own space especially as he'all have school work and stuff to do in peace and quiet.
Your SS has every right to live with his father, you can set some ground rules, he goes to bed at 9pm and you have some time with your husband.
But don't try to push your SS out of his home, hes part of your family and deserves to have a loving involved dad around for him as much as your child do.
You don't have to love him. But you do have to accept he has as equal a stake in your lives as your girls do.
So what was the plan for where stepson was going to sleep in new house when he came to visit? If your two children had a room each then where was SS going to sleep?
OK I think you all have it twisted. I do not beat SS with a stick!! Bare minimum? I get him up every day for school, have his uniform washed, ironed and ready to go, make his packed lunch for school and do breakfast. When he gets home from school (I pick him up twice a week, DH the other 3 days) I do tea, homework, laundry, housework, bath times, bedtimes, etc. I treat SS exactly the same as I treat my DDs.
He used to sleep in 3yo's room in bunk beds but this was a very rare occasion, as before falling out with his mum (which can I add again was over not being allowed to play xbox) he didn't want anything to do with his dad and even his mum admitted they sat together and made excuses for why he didn't want to see his dad.
Can I add AGAIN it isn't SS I have a problem with it is the situation, and I was looking for advise on how to deal/manage things easier ... not a flipping bashing on how you all think I treat him!
You married someone who already had a child.
These are the breaks.
However, there is no reason why you cannot set some ground rules such as a reasonable bed time.
Your step son has hardly seen his dad since he got with you, had to deal with his dad parenting someone else's child, had a half sibling, his dad got married, his relationship with his mum broke down so much he has chosen to leave and move away from his friends to a new family who don't really want him.
Think I'm a bitch all you like, but many of the things that have happened have been choices that you have had a say in. Yes things may be stressful but you have made many of these decisions yourself.
Your stepson had had all these things done to him, people making choices that directly impact on his life.
He is a child, he might be bigger than your two, but he's a little boy who needs all the same love, support and acceptance as your children. So the only way your marriage can work is if you put on your big girl pants and see him as an equal member of the family.
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