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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

stepdaughter bleeding us dry

26 replies

lyn321 · 04/10/2016 21:52

My husband recently got back in touch with his daughter (now 15) after around 8 years of having no contact. We live in Manchester she lives down south so we only see her at half terms and holidays. However every week she's texting and facebooking her dad asking for money. When we see her it costs us around £500 with all the travelling, time off work and things to keep her entertained. I know my husband feels guilty as he missed so much of her growing up but he really needs to learn to say No. She's put us in debt and I don't know what to do. Me and my husband have argued so much already but last night I found out he'd sent her £150 for a new phone which we dont have to send. What should i do.

OP posts:

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VodkaValiumLattePlease · 04/10/2016 21:54

Has he paid child maintenance?

IminaPickle · 04/10/2016 21:55

He has a lot of catching up to do.

fastdaytears · 04/10/2016 21:55

That's difficult. He's bound to feel guilty. What was the reason for not having contact and how did they get back to seeing each other?

Lunar1 · 04/10/2016 21:55

Why didn't he see her?

Yoarchie · 04/10/2016 21:58

What's the reason for no contact for 8yrs.

People have been known to be so utterly hurt by the actions of their parent(s) that they see cash as the substitute for love.

fastdaytears · 04/10/2016 21:59

So true Yo and especially if you're 15.

So sad for this girl.

Wdigin2this · 04/10/2016 22:11

This is so sad, because for your DH it's a no win situation. I wonder too what was the reason for the 8 years without contact, and how did he get back in touch with his DD?
If she hasn't seen him since she was 7, she probably doesn't really see him as a father figure now, but at 15, she may be seeing him as a cash machine....and before anyone flames me for that...it does bloody happen!

FriendofBill · 04/10/2016 22:25

And teens are expensive.

Could he give her pocket money/allowance?

AyeAmarok · 04/10/2016 22:29

Just think how much more expensive it would have been if he'd bothered to see her for those 8 years.

Palegreenstars · 04/10/2016 22:32

Your husband put you in debt you mean surely?

Starryeyed16 · 05/10/2016 08:39

This is one of those threads where I wish op would come back and explain if her DH payed towards her for those 8 years or he is paying now. I have a sneaking feelings the answer would be no followed by several excuses.

alltouchedout · 05/10/2016 08:50

Stop blaming the child, for starters. She hasn't put you in debt, your husband has. During the 8 years he had no contact with her, did he pay maintenance? Was the lack of contact forced on him despite him trying everything (and i mean everything) going to continue to parent? Did you encourage him throughout the years to keep trying to be a dad and to ensure his child was financially supported?

expatinscotland · 05/10/2016 08:50

Has he been paying maintenance? Why was there no contact for 8 years? Did you know about all this?

NerrSnerr · 05/10/2016 08:57

Why hasn't he been involved for 8 years? Has he been paying maintenance?

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 05/10/2016 18:41

Whether he paid maintenance or not is irrelevant. His daughter has cottoned on to the fact that all she has to do is ask and she gets what she wants ! And is using that to her advantage. I would be putting my foot down and telling him that putting you both into debt is unacceptable , and if it continues you will consider separating your finances?

LastBusHome · 05/10/2016 18:45

Any maintenance issues are to be resolved with the the mother - the daughter cannot expect daddy to give her everything she demands and he certainly shouldn't be going into debt for it. However spending the money on travelling and visiting is another thing and he should make the effort to visit as much as she wants to help build a relationship again. So that expense is unavoidable.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 05/10/2016 20:59

The guilt from so many lost years are dominating his relationship with his daughter.

If he hasn't got the money, he hasn't got it. But surely he should be paying maintenance?

johnthebaptiser · 05/10/2016 21:14

Whether he paid maintenance or not is irrelevant. His daughter has cottoned on to the fact that all she has to do is ask and she gets what she wants ! And is using that to her advantage. I would be putting my foot down and telling him that putting you both into debt is unacceptable , and if it continues you will consider separating your finances?
This^

And what lastbushome said

needsahalo · 05/10/2016 22:10

Whether he paid maintenance or not is irrelevant

Is it that easy? If no maintenance has been paid for years it is easy to see how guilt on one side and a sense of entitlement on the other can lead to the situation the OP is describing. It is relevant in understanding how the situation as it stands has been arrived at - at least potentially.

Wdigin2this · 05/10/2016 23:25

Unless the OP comes back wit moe information about why her DH hasn't seen his dau for 8 years....we can't really judge! Why do people [post and run?]

Dollyparton3 · 06/10/2016 13:43

this is a sweeping generalisation but some teenage girls can be rather materially focused and a bit grabby, that goes along with a selfish attitude that the world revolves around them.

We've been through a few rounds of this with my DSD and the solution was to put an allowance in place. board and lodging is covered by us, all extras have to be saved for by her and she decides what is in her means to buy for herself. It works well and it's no different to the situation that a girl with divorced parents would have at the resident parents house.

On occasion our DSD has tried to tug at the heartstrings by bringing guilt into play, but my DP has paid maintenance every day since he left so it has fallen on deaf ears with us. There's no reason why she should feel any more or less privileged than other girls in her peer group.

Wdigin2this · 06/10/2016 21:11

I think a lot of SM's on this site have some experience of entitled DSC, and (again a generalisation) they seem to be mostly girls.....I certainly have.
My DSD, was grown when DH and I got together, but I have watched her manipulate him, pulling the guilt strings to the point where he was practically financing her lifestyle...which was way beyond her own means. It used to gall me so much, I had to step back from the situation, and block it out. Funnily enough, we rarely see these days...unless of course she wants something!

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Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 06/10/2016 21:19

Even if he had paid csa'would the dd necessarily know that? Monthly allowance is maybe the way to go?
And separate your finances before she's 17 and wanting a car.....

Careforadrink · 08/10/2016 10:21

Lol at the maintenance being irrelevant.

FrancisCrawford · 08/10/2016 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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