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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Taking on my partners daughter

25 replies

Bikegirl90 · 25/09/2016 19:08

Hey so the basis of the story is my husbands daughter got put in to Ss care due to her mums partner beating her, my husband was going to have her but due to not having suitable accommodation at the time he couldn't have her permanently (he wasn't with me at the time) well now we are in a position to have her I need some advice on what I need to do next and how other parents in similar situations dealt with it? I do have 2 children myself, we both work so we are able to support her financially but need a bigger house but will look in to that if we do have a chance in having her. Please any help and advice much welcome/needed xx tia

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Report

Bikegirl90 · 25/09/2016 21:22

She is 13 btw so is in high school

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Lilaclily · 25/09/2016 21:23

Gosh the poor child

I'd assume social services are involved and would expect them to be giving you guidance, parenting courses etc , Hope you and she get the support you need
It's an amazing thing you're doing for her

CannotEvenDeal · 25/09/2016 21:35

Just to wish you luck! I took on my dss when he was 7 but afraid I don't have any info or advice as SS weren't involved...

Does your dsd have contact with her mum? Would she/is she allowed to contest her living with you and your husband?

All the best

Bikegirl90 · 25/09/2016 21:37

Yh I have got to get in touch with her acting guardian to find out what to do next and speak to a solicitor to guide us and help us get what we need for her but wanting to speak to someone with personal experience as I'm going in to this blind, just want to get her out the social services system, no child should be in there, she is currently in a 'children's home' cuz of her age not many people want to foster older children. Keeping everything crossed that we can have her, poor girl has been through too much xx

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Bikegirl90 · 25/09/2016 21:43

Thank you @cannotevendeal and yh she is allowed to see her mum in a contact centre and my husband gets unsupervised contact with her, she does want to live with us but due to her dad not having suitable accommodation the first time she went in to care he wasn't allowed her and courts decided she would be fostered 😔 But now I am going to help him fight to get her here wth us xx

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CannotEvenDeal · 25/09/2016 21:49

You're welcome. Sorry but I think my question was unclear, I meant could her mum contest things? Although at 13 your dsd's wishes should hopefully count for a lot.

This link might be useful

www.gov.uk/government/news/children-will-be-seen-and-heard-in-family-courts

Bikegirl90 · 25/09/2016 21:54

Oh yh I read it wrong, not sure if she can but given the fact she is choosing to wait for the boyfriend who beat her child to come out of prison I should hope her opinion wouldn't matter. She obviously dosnt have her DD's best interests at heart.
Oh ok thanks for that will have a read xx

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CannotEvenDeal · 25/09/2016 22:29

Oh dear, that sounds awful.

I didn't realise that the relationship was still 'ongoing'

I put a confused face instead of a sad face because I personally don't like people to feel sorry for my dss... it is arguably sad that his 'mum' gave him up but tbh it was the best thing for him to live with us in a stable home so there's a lot to be happy about... I hope that makes sense!

Lunar1 · 25/09/2016 23:20

I would first have a lot of questions of your dp before even considering this.

His daughter had been removed from her mothers care while he didn't have suitable accommodation. At this point why wasn't his sole focus and aim in life to provide a home for her? All he would have needed was a tiny two bedroom flat if that was the sole reason he didn't take her in.

Instead he had the time to start a relationship with you, your two children and for you all to move in together. Why was this his priority? It sounds like he could be using you to replace her mum so he can carry on being a part time parent.

You need to protect yourself and your children and get to the bottom of the timeline of events and his choices.

I could be completely wrong but something doesn't add up here.

pictish · 25/09/2016 23:27

Lunar does raise a point there. Of course it may not have been as simple as she describes, but it is something to consider.

I feel deeply sorry for this wee lassie - I hope things work out. xx

AyeAmarok · 25/09/2016 23:28

I was about to post exactly the same as Lunar.

How long has she been in care OP?

DoinItFine · 25/09/2016 23:29

I agree with Lunar

AdaLovelacesCat · 25/09/2016 23:30

When you say that he only now has suitable accommodation, is that because he moved in with you and your children?

Findingpeace · 25/09/2016 23:45

Something isn't right here. Is dsd on a care order? A judge and ss would try everything to keep a family together if her df was considered suitable to care for her. Your dh would have been given time to find suitable accommodation as care proceedings take over 6 months. Are you sure he's giving you the full story?
I could be totally wrong as I'm no expert but this just doesn't make sense to me. Also, there are lots of foster carers taking on 13 year olds and residential units are only used in extreme circumstances or because of very difficult behaviour. Have you read the court papers? Are you sure you know the full story?

Bikegirl90 · 26/09/2016 06:49

Yes I do know the full story, I do understand all ur points but it wasn't as simple as him getting a flat, he had a 2 bedroom flat but because of the area he was in and the fact it wasn't a house the social worker said it wasn't a good area to bring up such a vunreble child in to ( I have seen the statement from the social worker) he couldn't afford private rent due to deposits being too high in the area They said was suitable and basically made it difficult for him to fight for her, we are still in the area they said wasn't suitable but this is why I was asking for help and support as to where I go next because I want to help him, he has wanted to get her back so much but due to the fact he has only just been able to get a suitable job we couldn't afford to move, I have said if worst comes to worst and we don't find suitable accommodation that's affordable he will at least be able to find a 2 bed house for himself and go down that route, I am only helping him cuz I want to, not because I have to, this is why I asked for help and support.

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Findingpeace · 26/09/2016 07:41

bike I'm glad you know all the details and aren't going in blind.

If that's what the sw said I think that's wrong of her. I'll bet there are other children being raised by their parents in your area. Unless she's at risk of sexual exploitation or gang related activity? I really think you and your DP need to see a solicitor.

Bikegirl90 · 26/09/2016 07:59

Yh thats what we are doing but like I said I was just asking for advice from other mums that may have been in my position ... well I'm raising 2 children in my area and havnt had a issue but because the area has a history of gang violence and there is bound to be sex offenders around here as its such a big estate I think they took that in to consideration but the sw was a horrible man and he no longer works for social services so fingers crossed this time round we won't have so much of a issue but again still need to move due to it being a small place.

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Wdigin2this · 27/09/2016 10:08

OMGoodness the poor child! Well it sure ain't going to be an easy ride, that girl will need a whole lot of care and looking after!
I also wonder why, if she was removed from a dangerous situation, her DF didn't move heaven on earth to find a way of having her with him and keeping her safe?!
Anyway, if you are to have her live with you, you'll both need to be on the same page, my advice would be to talk, talk and talk some more about every thing that her living with you will mean, the good and the bad, it won't be plain sailing. Also, get as much proffessional help and advice as possibly can. Good luck!

everythingis · 27/09/2016 10:12

Phone her social worker and ask for a meeting about her permanent plan. I assume you two have contact? Can you describe it?

Lunar1 · 27/09/2016 10:13

Is she with a long term foster family?if she's in a stable environment and has been for a long time she might be better off staying there than move in with you all.

MrTCakes · 27/09/2016 12:18

How often does he see her now, do they have a good relationship already? Has she said that she wants to live with you?

Bikegirl90 · 27/09/2016 15:56

I'm asking for advice not u all to bombard me with questions, half the questions u are asking me have nothing to do with you, it is a very serious matter so unless u are all serious about giving me advice then I don't need to answer any of ur questions. Thankyou to all those that have actually given advice and not just posted to be nosey.

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MrTCakes · 27/09/2016 16:36

My questions were relevant and any advice would be dependant on your answers. You haven't described what sort of relationship dp and dd/you and dd have now so how is anyone expected to advise?

Bikegirl90 · 27/09/2016 17:05

I asked if anyone who had been in the same situation had any advice or support on what to do next about getting her with us, I don't see how our relationship with her would have any effect on that kind of advice, clearly we have a good relationship otherwise social services wouldn't be giving us the time of day. Have u been in this situation?

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everythingis · 27/09/2016 19:47

Hi op - fair enough we don't need further details. My advice remains phone her SW and ask for a meeting. Obviously I have no idea about your level of involvement and appreciate it's not pertinent to the thread.....but to be in a position to be applying to care for the child you should be able to evidence your involvement. For example attending her child in Care reviews which are 6 monthly. If you are permitted to - lots of reasons why you might not be but not necessarily a barrier. If not please ask for copies of reports. You should have a good level of regular quality contact. If you don't believe you do this is a good time to ask about progressing it.
Find out whether she is in what is termed a permanent placement - with a foster carer who has been officially matched to look after her until independence. If she doesn't have this she should be subject to 6 weekly stability meetings. Also if she isn't in a permanent placement you are in a better position to apply to have her.
At this stage you are asking social services for a viability assessment which is a preliminary exploration about whether you could be assessed more thoroughly to care for her. If a good amount of time has passed since your dp was last assessed then SW should be doing it almost as a brand new assessment but have a think about what you can evidence about why your circumstances are now much better suited than they were before.
Largely the consensus is that children are better off with their families if this is at all possible.
Wishing you all the best x

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