Discipline

[sinead012001]

Hi from reading through the posts I no i'm not the only one with this problem. My partner is very supportive of me disciplining my step son my problem is that my Step Son's mummy allows him to do what he wants. He has no rules and is allowed to do what he wants and gets everything he wants. When he is in our house their is rules in place 90% of which are for his befit. The others are picking up after him self hes 9. My problem is when I tell him of for something he immediately goes home and tells his mummy who then in turn gets on the phone and gives out to my partner cause she thinks he should be allowed to do what he wants with no consensuses. An i'm always the bad person in my step sons eyes when I tell him of for something I no 90% of it is cause he is a wee boy but the other 10% is because its me. Cause he would never answer my partner back or speak to him the way he speaks to me. He lives with us one afternoon/ night a week and all weekend.

[Wdigin2this]

Well, strictly speaking, it's not your job to parent/dicipline him, but it's your home too, so I understand your need for rules, and order. But his DF should discipline him and you just back him up where necessary, after all why should you always have to be the bad guy?!
I had this with DSGD, every time she asked for/did something her parents wouldn't approve of, my DH would say......Oh Grandma says you can't have/do that. Its so unfair, and I get him to realise this for a while but then he slips back. I now tend to just say, If Grandpa says you can, go ahead.......and just let her eat chocolates, sweets and biscuits all day! If she's sick when she goes home, it's not my fault and I'll make sure they know that!
You need to step right back, let him do more of the hard stuff!

[Bluebell878275]

Just carry on as you are. When your SS is in your home you do have to act as a parent because you are one! You are not his mum, you are not his dad, but you are a step-parent. Disciplining a child comes with that duty.

Your partner doesn't have to answer those calls, perhaps try and rehearse some standard phrases that he can reply to her "Thanks for your opinion but we are happy with how things have been handled in our home"...etc.

Your SS feels he can answer back to you because you aren't his mum or dad. Your partner needs to take him aside on his own and tell him to show you respect and no answering back. You and your partner need to show a united front in from of him - hopefully that should help with his attitude.

[sinead012001]

Thanks for this think I will get my partner to talk to him. 90% of it's when my partners at work or not in the same room because my partner won't let him be cheeky to me and he makes him respect the rules which were put in place for his benefit. As I said he has the attitude I can do what he wants an get what he wants cause he's allowed to do it in his mums.

[softygirl]

Need some step parenting tips please.

Due to go on holiday next week for ten nights with my DP and my two DC (boys 7 and 10) and his two DC (also boys 7 and 10). The DC get on great and DP and I don't live together yet so they see each other fairly regularly but we haven't all been in the same place for ten nights yet.

My issue is his 7 yo who can be really cheeky to me. He can also be really adorable. He only sees DP twice a week and really idolises him. My 10 yo also has a tendency to be cheeky to DP and he and I are really close. We have both had chats with our DC about the fact we are not trying to replace their other parent, it's fine if they don't like something one of us does, we want their opinion but we expect a certain level of good manners. DP and I have similar values - manners are important and being kind.

DP and I have been together 18 months now and until recently only disciplined our own DCs when together (so if his is cheeky to me it's up to him to pull him up on it and vice versa with mine).

I'm not sure how this is going to work in a holiday situation where I will be in charge of his DC some of the time and he will be in charge of mine some of the time too (e.g. he pops to the shop or I go for a bath).

I'm planning on treating them the same as my kids and disciplining accordingly but I am a bit stricter and just wondering what other peoples' experiences have been when they are left alone with SDCs.

[Fayyyyyyyyyyy]

I am in exactly the same position, I discipline my step son because his mom doesn't. She actually doesn't, she was reeered to social services due to her in ability to discipline, which the school picked up on. Anyway, you have every right to disciple, this child is in your house almost half of the week and he will grow up to appreciate you because of it. My step son has said on multiple occasions that he wishes I was his mom because I act more like one. So yes in the best interest for you and the child you are doing the right thing. The mother seems lol she is causing a fuss because of her own insecurities, if she was putting her child first she would appreciate what you are doing for her child, even worse for a child is a step parent that is absent as well as a mother who lacks boundaries. You're doing the right thing!

[Restorergirl]

I have the same problem with 17 year old SS. I have been living here for 6 years and I feel that I am still not wanted or valued. Always acts up when dad not around or in another part of the house. I relay the wrangles and arguements to dad, but SS turns everything around to make out that it's me who's at fault. I get blamed for everything and for all the troubles. Mum even blames me, after getting half the story from SS over the phone and she calls me a b*ch and tells other people a bunch of lies about me, which they believe. We have 2 split houses, as well. Ours' has 'rules and regulations' and mum's has no disciplinary procedures whatsoever. Everything we try to instill in SS here, goes out the window when at hers', so we fight a losing battle.