Advanced search

Overseas holiday dilemma.

(11 Posts)
user1474361079 Tue 20-Sep-16 10:07:19

I'm new to this forum and looking for help/advice from fellow Step parents/parents.

I am a Step Mum to 3 beautiful girls. I have been in their life for over 4 years and built a wonderful relationship with them. They live with myself and my partner 50 percent of the time so have meaningful relationships with all parties involved.

One of our greatest wishes is to take the girls to Disneyland while they are still young enough to see the magic but old enough to remember it and enjoy most rides. They are currently 5,9,11. We would be looking at taking them in 1-2 years time.

Unfortunately this is the dilemma. We would need their mothers permission to get passports and enable us to go away. This is where we would encounter a problem. The relationship between my partner and his ex has been rocky to say the least. We've been through the mill with accusations, limited access, etc etc however things seem to have been smoothed out some what of late.

I feel just because the girls have separated parents they shouldn't miss out on the joys of family holidays that their peers enjoy just because they have separated parents.

Am I crazy in thinking/suggesting that she should be invited along? Obviously she would need to pay for her own flights and accommodation. We would pay for the girls flights and accommodation and then we could alternate taking the girls sightseeing/Disneyland etc? I feel crazy for even suggesting it given what she has never been able to put the girls needs over her own however I feel that it's not something she should miss out on. Is it crazy to put my own needs aside for what I think the girls would enjoy more? I feel it would teach the girls a valuable lesson and show them the adults do in fact get along and I also think it is a memory they would cherish forever and love the fact they were able to share it with all parties.

Or should I just put it in the top hard basket and pray that she would allow us to take them without a lengthy court process?

Am I crazy and this is all just a fairytale fantasy?

Please help!!

theredjellybean Tue 20-Sep-16 10:12:19

what a lovely person you are.
I would advice though that this might be very confusing to the girls, however having been in very similar position over the years when my dsds where younger, i can sympathise.
Why don't you leave it another yr or so and then raise it with their mother.
Legally she cannot stop you and your partner taking them on holiday , presuming you would usually have them say for 50% of school holidays.
In our case my DP ex wife tried to stop us taking girls skiing, citing it was too dangerous, as we had no reason to be a risk of not bringing them back etc, we were entitled to take them away during their allotted weeks with us, wherever we liked, and when our solicitor pointed this out to her she backed down quickly.

user1474361079 Tue 20-Sep-16 10:24:51

Thanks for your reply.

We live in Australia so the rules are slightly different. We have a parenting order which was a mutually agreed document which specifies time with each parent, special holidays birthday etc etc. This was filed in court (to protect all parties and more importantly the girls. And to get a passport we need her signature plus we need her permission to take them out of the country. Obviously it's still doable however it would mean taking her to court to basically over rule her decision to deny us taking them. A path which we could go down however don't want to put the girls in this situation on the off chance she says something to them.

I appreciate your comments about it being confusing, I think the girls are very aware of everyone's roles in their life so I'm
Not sure it would confuse them as they are all very well adjusted given the circumstances.

In an ideal world people would all just get along and put their needs aside for their children. Sigh.

swingofthings Tue 20-Sep-16 11:38:17

Of course you shouldn't invite her ,it's your trip of a lifetime, why would you want her to be there with you?

2 years is a long time, so if things have got better recently, then hopefully this will continue and it wont be an issue in 18 months time when you would need to get passport.

Maybe when the relationship is at its best, your OH could bring up that you guys would love to do this and see how she reacts. Go from there gradually. Most likely, as she accepts that this is your plan, she'll get used to the idea and won't be bothered by then.

This is of course the 'trying our best to avoid conflict' way forward. The alternative is to tell her that these are your plans whether she likes it or not and if she doesn't agree to give the passport, your OH will take her to court for it.

howtodowills Tue 20-Sep-16 16:46:31

Don't invite the ex!!!! That's just bonkers (although you are clearly a very kind person!)

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Tue 20-Sep-16 16:50:07

Give her the details in plenty of time and if it should go to court she will just look a complete cow to stand in the way of a fab holiday! And no bloody way invite her!!

OSETmum Tue 20-Sep-16 16:51:34

Well I wouldn't go straight in with inviting the ex! That would be my last resort after trying all other compromises.

needsahalo Tue 20-Sep-16 22:23:07

Legally she cannot stop you and your partner taking them on holiday , presuming you would usually have them say for 50% of school holidays

This is poor advice for England. In the absence of a court order, both parents need the permission of the other to be able to travel. Whilst in reality, few people seem to have problems at passport control, people do have issues (increasingly so) and you are leaving yourself open to accusations of abduction/kidnapping. And quite frankly, if you took my child abroad without my knowledge and I found out about it, I would do everything possible to make sure it didn't happen again. I wonder how you would feel if you had no idea where in the world your children were?

Wdigin2this Fri 23-Sep-16 09:51:58

OMG, you're much nicer and braver than I would be in your position, I can think of nothing worse!
I get on tolerably well with DH's ex, our DC were all grown when we met, so child care has never been an issue, but she and I have absolutely nothing in common (other than my DH). I've spent evenings in her company, and she's perfectly nice...but I couldn't and wouldn't spend a holiday with her, for anyone!

36plusandtrying Sat 12-Nov-16 06:51:03

Lovely thought and what a beautiful person you are But as a sm who has been there and done it with my Husbands ex. Don't do it. It was hell on wheels .......

satinthedark Sat 12-Nov-16 13:27:07

OP - I think you are being the adult on this post and you demonstate a maturity and understanding some people do not get about the situation.

The issue is not the holiday - hey a trip to Fji, Bali, Cook Islands would not be an issue and no - would not think of inviting the EX.

However, this is Disney and who does not think about seeing their DCs face when they go to Disney land for the first time. There is no second time because it is all about the first experience, their faces, excitement etc.

Personally I would ask her, sometimes someone has to rise above the whole situation and see the bigger picture.

I think you are lovely to consider it and totally get why you are considering it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now