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This might be silly but

(16 Posts)
redteddy Sun 18-Sep-16 05:56:39

I'm unsure whether my feelings are reasonable or not.
I gave my OH a gift, it's a soft toy, but it had meaning nonetheless. His DD spotted it and latched on to it; she loves it as much as he does and that's lovely.
Now DD wants to take the gift back to DM's house (a place where things have been known not to come back from, although we don't discuss/emphasise this to DD).
I expressed to my DH that this upset me. He roughly told me I was unreasonable and that his DD wants and feelings came first.
Yes, of course she comes first, and she's welcome to bring anything she likes that belongs to her to her Mother's house. But this is a gift from me to my husband, it shouldn't matter that it's a toy, it's something meaningful between us... I feel disrespected... but I also understand his point so I feel stupid too...

wayway13 Sun 18-Sep-16 06:22:30

I think your feelings are valid OP.

My DD steals all my stuff. She's nearly 3 and anything remotely interesting of mine is now hers including a few really sentimental things (music box from DH, snowglobe from honeymoon, stuffed toy from when I was a baby). I just can't refuse her. However, over my dead body will she take these things out of the house.

Your DH is BU! By all means let her play with it/have it but it stays at your house!

hesterton Sun 18-Sep-16 06:27:11

If it was yours, I'd agree. Actually she shouldn't be allowed to take anything of yours to her dms house.

But title is your husband's - he gave it to her and that's his right. The gift did it's job the second you gave it to him - it let him know how much you care for him. Now the gift is doing a new job for his daughter, giving her something precious of his to take away and have with her when he's not there.

I think that's lovely. It's a toy - your dh knows its a symbol of love and it remains that - be kind about it. flowers

hesterton Sun 18-Sep-16 06:28:02

Title = the toy. Sorry.

Mamatallica Sun 18-Sep-16 06:35:06

Doesn't sound silly to me, I'd be upset by that. Have a word with your DH and tell him how hurt you are that you gave him a thoughtful gift and he just gives it to his kid to lose. If he still thinks it's fine then don't bother buying him nice things in the future.

swingofthings Sun 18-Sep-16 06:41:00

I think your feelings are justified and your OH is inconsiderate, but I don't think it is worth getting too upset about it. Next time you get him something, laugh and say you hope it this one will stay home!

Greenbigtree Sun 18-Sep-16 07:27:41

YANBU - although I'm not sure what you can do. With my dd she is free to take what she wants to her dads as I know I can get it back. With my oh, when his dc leave with things, it never comes back. We have lost some very lovely outfits 😔

For what it's worth. I had a bag of chocolates in the cupboard at home. I had a crap afternoon at work and was dreaming of lounging on the sofa and eating them. I got home and my oh's kids were eating them. I know it's only chocolate but I was nearly in tears as he had decided it was faint to give them my chocolate 😂

Lunar1 Sun 18-Sep-16 08:24:24

How old is she? You gave him a toy and his daughter claimed it, that's pretty natural. I'd go for something that she wouldn't want next time you buy him something.

CannotEvenDeal Sun 18-Sep-16 14:06:34

The problem here isn't the little girl or the toy... it's your husband and his reaction. I think he was bloody rude tbh.flowerschocolate

Starla268 Sun 18-Sep-16 17:05:56

This is a really tough one and I can completely understand you feeling you don't want it to go back to her mums although of course you don't want to upset a young child who can't really understand about ownership and sentimentality.

We've had similar issues with my DSD and old soft toys of mine that I have kept and are precious to me (and that I hoped to pass on to my DC when I had them). For us we made it very clear that she was absolutely welcome to have/play with the toys but explained that they were my special toys from when I was a little girl and that they had to stay at our house. She was fine with this and the message was reinforced by me and DH. The toys are still in her room now and she recently picked out some special ones to put in the new baby's room smile

I guess the issue here is not so much your DSD wanting the toy but your DH not standing with you to reinforce the message that it should stay at your place? Although I suppose it's a bit different to my example if the toy was given to him...

howtodowills Sun 18-Sep-16 20:34:20

I agree she should have been told she could play with it but not take to mums

Heavens2Betsy Mon 19-Sep-16 12:21:36

He roughly told me I was unreasonable and that his DD wants and feelings came first.
^ This is the problem.
He is telling you that he would rather upset you than his DD which imo is not a good basis for a relationship.

MeridianB Mon 19-Sep-16 13:08:04

How old is she, red?

redteddy Mon 19-Sep-16 17:38:11

Hi all - thanks for all the advice and support - OH and I talked through things again and agreed that we will set better boundaries next time by talking together before he says yes to DD's request to take something that isn't hers away with her.

IzzyIsBusy Tue 20-Sep-16 07:44:01

Its not hers.....but its not yours either.

OH is clearly not as attached to it as you think.
You cant tell him what to do with something that belongs to him.

Wdigin2this Tue 20-Sep-16 10:59:08

Your feelings are perfectly justified!! How would he feel, if he'd given you some little thing, but which had sentimental value...and you gave it away to your niece/nephew/friend's child?!

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