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What did his ex say when you were having a baby?

(78 Posts)
Greenbigtree Sun 11-Sep-16 19:04:17

So we kept the pregnancy secret from everyone until it I could hide it no longer, because we knew his ex wouldn't take it well.

Anyway, he told her. She went ballistic. The abuse received was extremely hurtful. I got really upset. I'll add that I am not the reason they split.

My oh and his ex have a rather awful relationship but even I was shocked that a grown up woman could speak like this about an unborn child.

She has said that we are fucking up her kids life by having a baby. She thinks that my oh no longer should have access to his sons as much. She wants to reduce his access. I've told my oh she can't do that when they have had a regular contact set up for a long time.

We also have another issue. At present we are crammed in to a
Very small home. It is not suitable for us all and we are planning our move. It is quite a considerable jump in size, but it is needed and it's not luxurious by any means - it is the growing rent for a 3 bed. The rent for this property is a lot more.

My oh is a low earner - in fact I earn more doing 50% less hours than him. He pays his ex a considerable amount of maintenance (over the Csa amount and also pays half of anything needed for them that she asks him too, which is a lot!), but he was able to do this when they first split as he was living with his parents.

He has been able to continue this in or current home as its off a friend, but the new home is £400 more a month when we move and will have the baby etc.

Has anyone had to break it that they will have to pay a more appropriate rate of maintenance? We have my oh's kids half the week and his ex has a very good job and actually brags to my oh about how much her and her partner brings home each month, but still says he is a shit dad because he should be paying half of all of her bills in addition to the maintenance!

When we moved in we never reduced it for the fact that I have a child in the home either.

At the moment if the kids tell her their dad has bought anything she calls and shouts at him for being a shit dad for not paying more maintenance when he could afford to buy a new much-needed work outfit!

CannotEvenDeal Sun 11-Sep-16 19:08:10

First of all, congratulations flowers

Second of all, I didn't think any maintenance was payable at all if there was a 50/50 arrangement hmm

Her certainly shouldn't be paying half of the bills on top of cm!!

AyeAmarok Sun 11-Sep-16 19:11:29

If you have 50/50 care then there is no maintenance due. So that doesn't sound right.

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 11-Sep-16 19:17:54

Use the csa calculator, assess the correct amount, pay that and no more. Do not contribute extra for her bills etc, that's absurd. If he wants to contribute to other things they need on an ad hoc basis that is separate, depending on the item then it's decent of him to keep doing that.

mangomay Sun 11-Sep-16 19:21:04

If there is a 50/50 arrangement then maintenance isn't payable. As far as I'm aware, even if they only stayed every weekend that still applies (someone correct me if I'm wrong)
At the risk of upsetting the ex, mention this fact to her and then offer a greatly reduced amount of maintenance to see if she accepts. If she makes a fuss and says she'll go through CSA, let her! She'll be in for a shock.

mangomay Sun 11-Sep-16 19:22:16

Congratulations btw, don't let her ruin what should be a lovely time for you all.

Greenbigtree Sun 11-Sep-16 19:40:51

Sorry I was perhaps misleading. He does have them half the week - Thursday morning until Sunday eve, so this is 'four' days but technically it's not 50/50 as we don't have them overnight half the week...

Greenbigtree Sun 11-Sep-16 19:44:07

He's also concerned that if he tells about the maintenance she will reduce his contact even further as payback. She will also say that he is a shit dad for prioritising his new baby over his kids. I wouldn't let him do that, plus he's really not like that in the slightest.

He feels that she has him over the barrel a bit! She has bad mouthed him to all their friends and he now doesn't talk to any of them. She said that he doesn't provide for his children. She honestly doesn't think what he gives her is enough because she has misconceptions what he should be paying for!

lookluv Sun 11-Sep-16 20:06:20

First of all congratulation!

Sounds like they both need to be realistic about maintenance. Have to say I loathe the comments about just pay the CSA rate - that is a minimum!

The problem, as in many divorces the issue of maintenance does not get raised until another child is pending and then you are effectively saying to her - got another child coming, can not afford to pay as much as I was for my children - you pick up the shortfall. ( regardless of who was paying what, extra etc) The timing is bad which ever you come from it.

It is irrelevant what she earns, he needs to contribute for his children.

She may have budgeted on set amount to pay for activities, childcare etc - the sooner you tell her the better.

Go to court and sort out a care arrangement and then it will be harder for contact to be cut. Kids are not pay per view .

Having been in this position it is galling, my EX paid less because her own 2 DCs were in the house and when their joint one arrived it became even less. Not aware that his 2DCS got any cheaper - I just had to pick up any short fall.

Some of the comments on here are sad and quite vindictive.

mangomay Sun 11-Sep-16 20:22:36

In terms of CSA, maintenance is reduced for every night that children spend with a non-resident parent. So in your case it would be hugely reduced, if not scrapped altogether. Also, it's only your OH income that is taken into account, not yours so I'd be looking at the online CSA calculator pretty sharpish. She is BVU and the sooner you can get it sorted, the sooner you can get on with enjoying your first baby together.

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 11-Sep-16 20:32:34

Well if he won't reduce the maintenance then what is the advice you wanted? Not being funny, genuine question, I thought that was your DH intention but your later post says he wouldn't do that - which is admirable - though not if both families can't afford to live, I'd say the aim is fairness for both households.

Selfimproved Sun 11-Sep-16 21:15:03

The way he treats the children he has now is the way he will treat your child.
You'll soon see CSA is nothing near the cost of a child.
Just Chill a little and don't think about parents, only children.

WannaBe Sun 11-Sep-16 21:52:22

While threatening to reduce access or shouting about ruining the kids' lives is not on, neither is reducing maintenance just because he decided to have another baby.

The maintenance he pays is what was agreed, regardless of whether you think that is an acceptable amount or not. It's pretty shit to then reduce what he gives for his other kids just because he's decided to have another one. If he couldn't afford to support his existing children then he shouldn't be having any more. And yes, I would say the same to someone who was having another baby in a nuclear family where both parents were still together. So if the ex has issue with that then she's not in the wrong.

WannaBe Sun 11-Sep-16 21:55:02

Oh and all this talk of "he pays over the CSA amount" as if he's some kind of saint is pretty shit as well. The CSA amount is the bear minimum that he should be paying. If he's paid more in the past then fair play really, but new partners who make reference to how much maintenance he pays his ex generally sound pretty bitter. It's the one area of step parenting where IMO you knew from the outset what maintenance he paid, it's unreasonable to expect that to change.

user1471734618 Sun 11-Sep-16 21:55:09

he is reducing maintanence to his 'old'children because he is having a new one? wtf?
You really caught yourself a great man there OP.....

Bananasinpyjamas1 Sun 11-Sep-16 22:18:10

I think firstly you both have to get out of the feeling that 'she has you over a barrel' over access. Just don't get into it or engage. Your OH should not engage. She would have to have a very good reason to reduce contact, which she doesn't.

She will be emotional on many levels, lash out, say horrible stuff. Just delete any horrible messages or if you want them for court, save them somewhere.

My partners Ex said that she was 'very pleased for me' and then proceeded to ask for more maintenance, send the kids to me without warning, and use me as a babysitter while I was on maternity leave while she was just sat in her house not working... So there are different reactions!

Maintenance is difficult, as doing it now will only connect it to your baby and will, in a way quite fairly, make her feel very resentful. Really a decent maintenance amount should be agreed and then no extras paid for, so that she can plan and make it really simple.

Evilstepmum01 Sun 11-Sep-16 23:53:22


Had this when I fell pregnant-his exw went ape-youre never seeing DD again/you have to choose between me and your daughter or evilstepmum/blah blah blah.

Bollocks to it. Go to a solicitor, sort access properly-if hes had 50/50, he's likely to be granted the same. She can bleat as much as she likes.
As for CSA, we've never paid it. Why should we? We have dsd half the week and buy her clothes/pay for her activities and holidays. Also exw abandoned DSD as a baby, so she hasnt a leg to stand on.
Until his exw had another baby, she paid us half the child benefit she recieved. (it was always used for DSD). We're picking up the slack now this has stopped, but thats ok, DSD is family.

Before I'm flamed, Im aware CSA doesnt cover raising a kid, but in this case, if OP and OH have kids thru the week, they are also paying towards care and clothes and things, ie paying towards raising them.

Try not to let it ruin your happy news, ex w will calm down and accept it in time. What can she do really? Stop access? Your solicitor will sort that. Moan about lack of money? Again, solicitor. She's slagged you both to the world, whats the worst that can happen?

Good luck, that sounds like one bitter, crazy ex. flowers

swingofthings Mon 12-Sep-16 06:11:54

Surely if he is on a low income then csa taking into account he has them 3 nights would be very low so when you say he pays above what are you talking about? £20 a week for two kids? That would just about pay for school meals. What matters really is the actual amount.

I want impressed when my ex decided to have a baby with his new partner when they were both unemployed, they already had 4 children between them who they didn't pay a penny for. I had to support my our children 100% so yes I also want impressed at all when they made their announcement even more when they pretended it was an accident yet they'd been talking with the kids about hsbc a sibling months before! Never made threats about reducing contact though it had nothing to do with it.

You did you expected that she wouldn't be happy to find out. Why was it predicted? Ultimately it is your life and your decisions and therefore no concerns of hers. She is entitled to think you are irresponsible if you can only afford it by reducing maintenance if already low. However if he is paying everything 50% of their costs then she is just greedy and threatening to reduce contact is selfish and not in the interest of the children whatever she tries to convince herself.

Greenbigtree Mon 12-Sep-16 08:21:50

Thanks for your replies.

My oh ends up giving his ex over £300 a month. Based on his salary
And the calculator it should be £150.

Whilst I appreciate that she has to feed, clothe etc her children, we do too. We have them from the Thursday until the Sunday tea time. Technically she never has day times with the kids as they are at school!

As I said until now his living expenses have been minimal as he has sofa surfed and also benefitted from my home being cheap due to it being owned by a family member.

It has been a squeeze even now so even without the baby we would have to move. Now we are having to rent in the 'real' world.

he signed over his share of the house in their divorce and her mortgage is tiny. Whilst her expenses aren't our concern, the fact that she has a decent roof over her head is. Surely he is entitled to the same?

Starryeyed16 Mon 12-Sep-16 08:29:35

Did he end the relationship op? As someone who experienced my ex leaving me it's hard when they choose to have a child with someone else although I have been a bigger person and congratulated him, he couldn't wait to say how the maintanence would go down. when I explained he only pays the minimum that CSA recommends it feel on deaf ears. 150 minimum for 2kids is nothing I get that for one but good on him for giving 300 could he met in the middle at 200?

Please don't forget his previous children can feel hurt about your impending arrival because they don't get to see their dad every day they can experience an mixture of emotions. My own DS is going through this with his DF as they are having a baby but me and him are working together to ensure it is an positive experience and dicuss any problems and concerns he may have.

Greenbigtree Mon 12-Sep-16 08:47:06

No he didn't. He came back one day and shed packed his bags. That same
Week she'd moved one of their male mutual friends in - I.e her new boyfriend.

£200 is what he was going to suggest.

The kids are all very excited. And have Been helping us prep. They have chosen new things and helped come up with names. We are being really sensitive to their needs. I'm also worried that the ex - as she's so unhappy about the baby - could be saying less than positive stuff about the baby to them also.

WannaBe Mon 12-Sep-16 09:05:11

Dropping maintenance in conjunction with a new baby does give out the message though that his existing children have become less important because you have a new baby coming. There is no way to make that look any different than it is. "I'm having another baby which means that I need to pay you less for the other kids," just doesn't have any other way to dress it up. and you need to think about what message that is giving about the future importance of your own children should you ever split.

Regardless of any other issues with the ex, she's not wrong for feeling that her children have suddenly become less worthy now that you're having one together.

GraceGrape Mon 12-Sep-16 09:14:18

According to CSA guidelines though, you are entitled to reduce maintenance (by 15%?) if you have another child. I know it can be hard for each side to see from the other pov, but maintenance needs to be as fair as possible to all the children concerned. People do move on and have other children. I would say try to work out what you will be able to afford and pay that (with csa as a guidance for the minimum amount).

paxillin Mon 12-Sep-16 09:26:40

Dropping maintenance for a new baby is a fairly common thing though, aspecially if he paidall he possibly could before. That is no different to having a baby in an existing non-step family, you have to adjust there as well, share a bedroom between more kids than before, smaller holiday, cut back on everyday expenses. The difference in a stepfamily is that one of the parents has no say in adding further kids.

The threat to withdraw contact is fairly common, too. Just wait it out for now, cross every bridge as you get to it. Things will probably calm down after the first shock. We had an email early on demanding dss to be seen seperately from me and the new baby and only for fun days out. The idea was to move from an every weekend family visit to a monthly disney dad jolly. We made clear very early on this won't happen.

Keep a record of when the dsc are there and find a lawyer quickly if it changes a lot. You don't want a new normal to be created, because courts take current arrengements into consideration when deciding on access visits should it come to it. Put it in writing in an email so you have records.

swingofthings Mon 12-Sep-16 11:23:30

Something is odd here. She left him and replaced him right away. She agreed to almost shared care and is getting very good maintenance considering. It makes no sense she wouldn't be satisfied with the situation so either she is unreasonable beyond negotiation os she has a very different take to the situation. Either way not sure what advice can be given.

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