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DSS mother...

(18 Posts)
AllieinWonderland Tue 06-Sep-16 13:46:00

So I have five children of my own (aged between 6 and 17), and four step sons aged between 10 and 18.

Their mother moved to Greece to live with another man six years ago, and sends them birthday cards at the beginning of the year - not on the specific dates, so they could just open when appropriate, each with £50 in and an impersonal message. The same applies for Christmas -four identical cards with £50 in. She added the older two on Facebook but has never messaged them (even on their birthdays/Christmas/etc).

My DH works in America for a week every months or so, and in London for four days of the week, so for the past two years I have taken on the care of the boys, with help from MIL and various other relatives and family friends (nine children fan be a bit much!!)

Last week, their mother contacted the oldest boy saying she was coming to England in October and could she come and visit. He said no, because he has decided he doesn't want to see her - and he's off to university in a few weeks. He said she could contact the younger ones to ask if they wanted to see her, but that he had no interest. I didn't even know he'd said this until yeaterday, when I got an angry text from her number - a number I hadn't even saved as we've communicated maybe once asking me what I'd done to her children and why they "hated" her. She only contacted older DSS (the younger three haven't heard from her) and he tells me he was entirely civil and just asked not to see her. We never discuss her around the house, I simply comment that her cards are nice when they're opened and that £50 is very generous. Other than that, all I've done is take care of her children! She contributes to DH's account financially (we don't have a joint account) but I don't know how much, but has never before asked to visit or invited the boys to come and stay, or even tried to contact them.

Should I reply or just ignore? What do I do?

CRazzyyAce Tue 06-Sep-16 14:34:39

Sounds as if shes relinquished all her responsibilities for her 4 children some of which aren't even adults yet, poor lads not amount of birthdays card will make up for the fact she remains absent from their lives. Good on for stepping up 9 kids sounds chaotic to say the least, I hope your DH gives you some of the maintenance towards the upkeep when hes away and they are in your care. I would simply do what she has been doing the last couple of years and ignore her give her abit of her own medicine.

Milkycocopops Tue 06-Sep-16 14:39:16

She's a fool. You sound incredible. Ignore her and carry on as you are? Try not to worry

0dfod Tue 06-Sep-16 20:06:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swingofthings Tue 06-Sep-16 20:22:13

She can't be bothered to give attention to those who should be the most important people in her life. She doesn't deserve any attention back.

Ninasimoneinthemorning Tue 06-Sep-16 20:25:40

Firstly you need a bloody medal!!

Ignore her. Leave this one to your Dh to handle.

Cheeky mare!

QuiteLikely5 Tue 06-Sep-16 20:28:29

It is not so much what you have done but more like what ha she done!!

Ignore and leave her to reach that conclusion although I'm sure deep down she is aware of her shortcomings

Selfimproved Tue 06-Sep-16 21:16:34

Ignore. She knows the truth, she just doesn't want to admit it and is desperate to blame you. If you react she can say 'oh look she is a bitch, I was right'.

Bizarre lady aside, how are you alive with 9 kids?

lookluv Tue 06-Sep-16 23:07:17

complete admiration for your situation.

Also nice that eldest DSC obviously understands what she has done.

I would show DP, delete and let him decide what he wants. The youngest will struggle and expect some disruption in their behaviour - what a complete b***h.

YOu have not taken care of them, you have given them a home, a structure - however chaotic and made sure they are cared for and felt safe. You have given them some semblance of a childhood and living in a family - well done understates how massive that is.

ImperialBlether Tue 06-Sep-16 23:13:23

It sounds like she's been a terrible mother and you are great to his children, particularly as you care for everyone alone so frequently. However, how come you don't know how much he gets for the children? How come you don't have a shared account when you've taken on the care of all his children? Do you have to ask him for money?

Evilstepmum01 Wed 07-Sep-16 00:15:16

Wow, nine kids! You're amazing!!

Tell your DH and let him deal with it! Might be a good opportunity to ask DH what the financial/legal situation is with her?
Block and ignore crazy bitch. Carry on doing what you're doing, those boys sound like they appreciate you! grin

AllieinWonderland Wed 07-Sep-16 16:00:32

Phew - I was worried I might have some "how dare you steal her children" responses. So glad it's only her that seems to see things that way. I mean; I do love them but I wouldn't have chosen to take them on so completely if it hadn't been for her absence. It's certainly been difficult, but rewarding in its own way.

The financial situation is that i only work 12 hours a week on a very low wage (more of a voluntary job than anything), and he is in a very high earning job. I have a savings from a previous relatively high earning career, and quite a bit of money from exDH (who died). We decided a joint account would be impractical as we almost have two families in one, so i just calculate what I've spent on the boys each week, and DH refunds into my account, while I fund my own children and their lifestyles. There's even more to it when it comes down to other finances but I feel that's enough detail there to reassure you there's nothing dodgy!!

I've deleted the text and she's not tried to contact the younger boys. I'll just hope that was the end of it. Will definitely tell DH when he gets home tomorrow, just don't want to worry him now. He has (understandably) always found the whole situation very difficult - doesn't understand why she made so little effort etc. It just seems bizarre - giving up your children, even for a rich man and Greece hmm

MeridianB Thu 08-Sep-16 09:51:29

Sounds like you are doing all you can to be neutral it's really unfair that she is taking this out on you.

Just ignore and let your DH contact her.

quicklydecides Thu 08-Sep-16 10:03:51

Just ignore. There might be a tiny tiny part of her brain that just temporarily allowed her to release that she's an awful person.
That micro thought would be too difficult for her, if she's that selfish to abandon her children then she won't be mature enough to acknowledge her behaviour. So she quickly turned a feeling of guilt into anger at you.
Simples, she gets to continue being selfish and any uncomfortable feelings are dismissed.

quicklydecides Thu 08-Sep-16 10:07:33

Oh, and with the money, there should be a financial acknowledgement that you are providing childcare and allowing him to live his high earning lifestyle. He can only travel and earn large amounts because he has you.
Therefore, I hope he doesn't just pay his half, like half the food bill and his children's activities.
Because he should be paying you the equivalent of a small wage to be honest.
Be careful.
Complicated blended family set ups break up at a higher rate than first families.
If he leaves you for a 25 year old, what do you have to show for your years of sacrifice.

AllieinWonderland Thu 08-Sep-16 22:49:39

Luckily haven't received anything else! All four boys have been told she's coming to England (by oldest DSS) and all four have decided not to see her (even the 10 year old, though I'm going to talk to him separately to make sure he's not just copying his brothers). DH very cross but I've asked him to just ignore it too. Hopefully that's the last we hear!

quicklydecides yes - that comes under all the of the "more complex" finance I alluded to. (He pays for all food including my family's and a larger portion of the other bills and finances - I'm not losing out!)

IJustLostTheGame Fri 09-Sep-16 09:13:54

That woman should be kissing the ground you walk on.
9 kids! I struggle with one.
You're amazing.

Diamogs Fri 09-Sep-16 09:18:01

What IJustLost said

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