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Fell at final hurdle

(11 Posts)
hermione2016 Sun 04-Sep-16 11:25:05

After 15 years together husband and I are separating.The final straw was me realising he has no respect for me.Dsd had a teenage entitlement rant, raising complaints which other people have laughed at.Even dsd accepted later she was behaving brattish however husband laid all the blame at me.He never once defended me, at the time of the argument or later when dsd & I made up.

I finally saw with clarity that I have never been respected and my role was to just be his uber Disney parenting sidekick.

Dsd is heading to Uni so this should have been the chance for us to recognise and celebrate how we have got through extremely difficult times with dsd and the ex but instead it's separation.

What I realise is that life with husband has always been tough and it should not have been that hard.I've moulded myself to accommodate his parenting, given up much, moving areas so that dsd & him had a good relationship yet nothing was genuinely valued.

When he needed to be on my team he wasn't.I feel I had the warnings but assumed it would change.Of course we had good times which kept me there but the real issue of his lack of teamwork with me was never resolved and ultimately has caused the break.

I just wanted to post for others who maybe earlier on in the journey.If you feel disrespected, or excluded you probably are.If you feel your partner does not care for your feelings or happiness especially with issues with step children, it's probably is the case.

Step parenting is hard but if it's a constant source of pain and you feel on eggshells, then leave as it's unlikely to change.

paxillin Sun 04-Sep-16 12:15:11

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure you did a brilliant job all those years. DSD will know this, too. Take care flowers.

hownottofuckup Sun 04-Sep-16 12:17:58

sad sorry you've had such a hard time, but well done for realising now and doing something about it rather than sticking your head in the sand and continuing to flog a dead horse. Your future awaits flowers

CannotEvenDeal Sun 04-Sep-16 19:26:33

So sorry to read this... your honesty is so brave and refreshing and you talk a lot of sense. Teamwork is so important in any marriage, but especially when blending families.

You deserve to feel respected and valued no matter what your circumstances are.

Good luck flowers

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 04-Sep-16 22:10:59

This is so sad to read op but despite your DH's crapness it sounds like you've done a good job for a bloody long time and can be proud of that.

However difficult things feel now I can feel the relief from your post at knowing things will now change and you can have much more peaceful happier days ahead of you and the rich, full life you deserve. I'd be making a list of everything you can now enjoy doing, everywhere you want to go and doing one thing a day that reminds you how much better things will now be.

You're brave and strong for knowing when to walk away and that you deserve more.

It's a salient reminder to those of us earlier on in the step parenting journey to make sure the relationship(s) work for us as well as our partners and their children. That we too deserve to feel happy, secure, valued and supported.

hermione2016 Sun 04-Sep-16 22:51:05

Thank-you so much, the replies have made me cry.I started the step parenting journey with such positive intentions, my mantra was "also do the right thing for DSD as time would be on our side" and we didn't rush anything.dsd sadly has had her mum's partners come and go in her life and I will be another one.The reality of distance means we will have a text type relationship only.

I moved a reasonable distance to assist with being near DSD so now need to start a new life back in my home area which involves a new job, house and school for our ds.It feels so overwhelming.
H was so positive about stopping maintenance to his ex, literally in the last few weeks but now he will have to setup an arrangement with me.A small part of me thinks h might have been hanging on until DSD had left home but it's awful to feel he may have been so calculating.

"Never give up more than you can truly afford to lose" is more relevant in 2nd marriages as the chance of failure is much, much higher.

MeridianB Mon 05-Sep-16 09:08:43

Really sorry to hear this, hermione.

It's especially galling to have tried hard and done the right thing and still end up being painted as the bad guy. You deserve better.


Bananasinpyjamas1 Mon 05-Sep-16 09:49:30

Oh so sorry to hear Hermoine. flowers.

Your post was very brutally honest, but without being bitter. It just seemed like you had recognized how hard it has been for you. Your H has consistently put undue stress on you, and all for what? To Disney his daughter. It is quite sad however you are now taking control and in some months time will hopefully feel a great relief in not having a cloud over you.

I wouldn't be surprised if your H starts to panic and realise what he has lost. Especially now his DSD has left home. My DP did the same with me, with his DSD, and yet now she has left for Uni she hardly even bothers with him and I tell you it's been a huge wake up call for him.

Not that should be your concern now. Just be good to yourself and give you and your DS some much needed time to relax, grow and have that peace of mind. I would think that your own family unit will thrive now, and you won't regret having removed that stress. Your DS may well benefit from just a happier parent who is more in control and not undermined.

bumbleclat Sat 10-Sep-16 09:52:40

I'd say, Good for you.
It is their loss and your gain totally and one day they will realise this.
Enjoy your new found- less put upon life and freedom and don't look back.

FinallyHere Mon 12-Sep-16 11:01:42

Another vote for good for you recognising this and then doing something about it.

Your future is going to be great, congratulations.

Evilstepmum01 Mon 12-Sep-16 23:39:27

I'm sorry to hear its come to this. How sad after all that effort and time you put in. Glad you woke up in time to get on with your life.

I hope if I ever find myself in the same situation, to have the same courage and walk away.

flowers for you. Good luck

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