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OH favouring his kids from previous relationships

(161 Posts)
BobaFett86 Fri 02-Sep-16 08:06:34

Am I being totally unreasonable here? My partner seems to think so! He has 2 kids by 2 different women. I think he keeps favouring his other kids above our 5 week old baby.
We broke up while I was 7 months pregnant because all we did was argue. He kept on prioritising his exes. They said jump, he said how high! He hasn't bought a single thing for our baby, yet has been giving his exes double the amount of expected child support.
We decided to get back together when our baby was born. But he still seems more concerned about his previous relationships/children. He arranged to have his kids for the weekend when our baby was just 2 days old, yet it wasn't even his weekend to have them! 5 weeks on, and he still hasn't given me a penny towards our baby. Yet I've had to give him money for travel fare so he can visit his other kids.
And now I am furious because this week I made plans with him to visit me and our baby (again, gave him travel fare money to make sure he could get here ok) and yet twice in 3 days, he has bailed on us, just so he can have his eldest daughter instead!! When I moaned at him about it, he accused me of trying to make him reject his daughter for my own gain!! And said that his ex 'needs' him to help her out with everything, even though she has a fiance who lives with her.
I also have a 4 year old from a previous relationship, and my OH always puts her down when she does something wrong. "My kids would never do that. I won't let you see them again because I don't want them picking up your bad behaviour" is a prime example of what he always says.
Apparently I 'cant handle' the fact that he has other kids. Am I in the wrong here?

Vajazzler Fri 02-Sep-16 08:15:52

He sounds like a dick. LTB

80sWaistcoat Fri 02-Sep-16 08:22:14

Make plans to move on and be on your own. It'll be less hard work and you'll gain emotionally and financially.

80sWaistcoat Fri 02-Sep-16 08:22:55

Sorry if that sound harsh and congrats on the baby.

IzzyIsBusy Fri 02-Sep-16 08:25:20

He is not favouring his other kids.

He a shit father to them all and a shit bf to you.
Stop giving this twat money and get rid.
Why would you want this man in your life?

mouldycheesefan Fri 02-Sep-16 08:28:23

God on,y knows why you chose this deadbeat to be the father of your child. You even need to pay his travel so he visits the baby unbelievable.
Dump him and get thr child support money instead.

pictish Fri 02-Sep-16 08:31:07

Was your baby planned?

pictish Fri 02-Sep-16 08:35:09

Not that it matters of course...just wondering if he (wrongly) feels as though this situation (new baby) has been forced on him?

Lot of men (and indeed women) struggle to bond with a new baby straight away.

Plus, I don't think agreeing to have the kids when it's not his weekend is any great shakes. If I was the non resident parent, I'd be having them as much as possible too.

It could be that you're both wrapped up in your own priorities.

Sandsnake Fri 02-Sep-16 08:40:25

He sounds like a dick who needs to stop having kids with every woman he meets - also a LTB from me.

Congrats on the baby flowers - hope things get better.

MeridianB Fri 02-Sep-16 08:48:40

It's hard enough if your DP/father of your child has a child/children with one ex but two children by two exes would be even more tricky and he's shown his true colours pretty quickly.

Call me cynical but I can't help but wonder if his two other exes are also giving him money and he's telling them he is seeing his baby so cannot see his other DCs....

I suspect you, your baby and DD are going to be much happier as a unit of three, without this twit. Don't let him spoil what should be a magical time with your newborn.

BobaFett86 Fri 02-Sep-16 08:50:47

The baby wasn't planned. Generally speaking, he is a 'good' dad and looks after the kids well. He's just an idiot who doesn't use his head!!! It's like he is stuck living in the past and can't let go of his exes, so clings to his kids as they are what connects him to the exes.
He has been out of work for the past 4 weeks, hence the poor finances. But he has still been doing whatever he can to assist the exes!! (he starts his new job next week)
We've made plans for the weekend after next, to go out to dinner, celebrate my daughters 5th birthday etc. But last night he told me that he's having his kids that weekend instead!
He wants to move in with me, but given the problems, I'm very reluctant. So, once he is back working full time, and if he is having his kids at weekends, when is he going to spend time with us?
He is meant to have his kids together, every other weekend. But he's had them alternating weekends for the past 5 months, just because it's what suits his exes and their social lives.

ButtMuncher Fri 02-Sep-16 08:59:40

If he's using his kids as a method of being connected with his exes, that's a no brainer for me - leave and leave soon. You'll only ever feel second (or third) best at a time you need to feel supported and listened to.

My DP has a child from previous relationship and I'm due in about 10 days - however he understands we need time as a threesome to establish ourselves, and at the weekend we will have my stepson over as normal minus the overnight stays as a) he's more likely to be woken regularly to start off with and b) he gets quality time with both me and his Dad and his brother rather than trying to jam pack it all in and us all getting stressed. It's only for a month or two - everyone agrees and stepson is totally non-plussed either way as he gets the best of both worlds.

Your partner isn't supportive in the slightest, and if he's still hung up on his exes, then you need to ask yourself why you'd want to be with someone who clearly prioritises you and your newborn last. Not to mention the fact he alienates your daughter, which is shitty.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Fri 02-Sep-16 09:00:22

Do not let this guy move in. He's treating you like a walking bank account, don't give him the option of treating your place like a walk in hotel.

If he isn't giving you anything to the upkeep of your child what makes you think he will contribute to the day to day living expenses when he knows you are doing it all presently (and giving him money on top).

Ok the baby wasn't planned, but did he actually plan to have those other kids by different parents too?

Perhaps as those kids are older he can impress them more...I don't know. Maybe he likes to play the big daddy baby father type role.

I would start separating my life and putting legal or financial agreements in place op.

Lunar1 Fri 02-Sep-16 09:01:28

Forget everything else for a moment, do you want someone around your daughter who treats her this way?

Don't let him anywhere near moving in. Let him move on and have his forth child with someone else. Congratulations on your baby, you can do this without him.

FleursDuMal Fri 02-Sep-16 09:17:01

I agree with Izzy, he sounds like a shit father to all of his kids, yours included. However, I think you are being somewhat unreasonable about the time he spends with his other DC, surely this was apparent before you got pregnant and had your baby? What then if you split, would you be happy if his new partner had the same attitude about him seeing his and your child?

Unfortunately this is the reality of being in a relationship with a man who has two kids to two different women and this will not change even if he moves in with you. The alternate weekends with each child is still not a lot of contact really, it amounts to about 8 days in the month, and if he is unemployed, there is not a lot of money to go round especially when he rightly pays maintainance for his other DC.

I do know, if I were in your situation, I would prefer my partner to get involved and support his DC, surely that is better than being an absent parent? It may seem that he is "clinging" to his exes, but really there will need to be contact, at least for 18 years, if they have children together.

SangtheSun Fri 02-Sep-16 09:22:12

Sounds like he's planning to cocklodge to me. Wants to get his feet under your table.

But much more importantly, he's a bastard to your daughter. You need to put her first and get rid. I very much doubt he'll be a good father to your baby, he hasn't been yet.

Look after yourself and your children. I think he'll be very good at looking after his own interests.

Oswin Fri 02-Sep-16 09:27:02

I don't understand why he can't see you if he has his children?

I don't see him doing anything wrong in seeing his children as much as he can.

Would you settle for seeing your DC eow? I wouldn't.

Going past all that though he's horrible to your child so you really should fuck him off. He's a dick.

SugarMiceInTheRain Fri 02-Sep-16 09:27:59

For goodness sake don't let him move in with you. If I were you, I'd get rid of him from your life before he damages your daughter's self esteem any more and before he has formed much of a bond with the baby. He may or may not prove himself to be a better father to your baby in time, but it doesn't look from here like it's worth taking that chance. Your life will be easier without him in it.

BobaFett86 Fri 02-Sep-16 09:38:39

I've always been fine about his other kids. I used to have quite a good relationship with them and they would often stay at mine for weekends. I've bought things for them, taken them for days out etc. And the relationship with my partner was quite good and stable.
It all changed when the exes found out that I was pregnant. They both got annoyed that my OH would have to split his time more, and once he said that he would have to lower the amount of child support he pays, the claws came out!!
He contacted the CSA for advice on what he should be paying and told the exes he would pay in line with the suggested figures. He'd been paying double that amount. One of his exes got so bitter that she told him he's not allowed anymore contact with his son, unless he pays her £400 to buy a new buggy! They've done nothing but shit stir since. 99% of our arguments were about them.
I'm doing what I can to keep things fair, and have been encouraging a set schedule so everybody knows their place. But the exes insists that my OH have the kids when it suits them. And they are refusing to let the kids come to mine anymore and said they don't want the kids to have contact with my baby.
I definitely do not have an issue with the amount of time he spends with his other kids, and no, it's not alot, but it is difficult because of the distance between all of them. I've just had enough of the fact that my OH keeps blowing out our daughter so he can have his other kids.

2014newme Fri 02-Sep-16 09:43:55

Seriously? This has Jeremy kyle written all over it. Nobody would have a baby with a man who can't pay the bus fare to see the child.

ImYourMama Fri 02-Sep-16 09:44:20

Jesus this is like an episode of Jeremy Kyle, so you have 2 kids by 2 dads, he has 3 kids by 3 different women and you wonder why you all can't get along?

Please stop reproducing with idiots.

cannotlogin Fri 02-Sep-16 09:47:46

They both got annoyed that my OH would have to split his time more, and once he said that he would have to lower the amount of child support he pays, the claws came out!! his existing children cost any less to bring up when a further child arrives? Why should it be the ex's responsibility to make up the difference?

That said, it sounds that overall, you would be better off without him.

BobaFett86 Fri 02-Sep-16 09:52:50

How rude!
If you actually read this properly, things were initially fine until his exes got bitter about me having his baby.
And you know absolutely nothing about the situation with my eldest daughters father.
Regardless of the what's happened with my kids dads, I put every effort into being a good mother, so as long as I'm doing my best, I shall reproduce with whoever I please.

Stormtreader Fri 02-Sep-16 09:54:54

Its him who should be telling his exes that them having their claws out is not acceptable, he should have your back and I'm not seeing any sign at all that he does.
In fact, I'm not seeing any sign at all that you are not right down the bottom of the priority list, providing bed and board as a base that he can pander to all the others from while muggins gets to stay at home and cook his dinner, probably listening to him explain to your daughter why shes not as good as his real kids.

I'd really think carefully about whether thats the life you want for you and your daughter, because once hes moved in he'll be almost impossible to get out again.

ButtMuncher Fri 02-Sep-16 09:57:00

The JK comments are unnecessary tbh. OP has said where the issues originate and her partner wouldn't be the first bloke to feel forced into money and access wars with exes so a little bit of compassion wouldn't go amiss here.

Still, I think he's a tool - if only because of what he's said to your daughter. He needs to assert boundaries with his exes and stop dragging everyone into a shitpot - sure, his exes may kick up for whatever reason but he needs to have the ability to say no or yes without feeling threatened. Nobody should threaten loss of access to children unless money is increased - that's using children as pawns.

Unless he asserts these boundaries you're fighting a losing battle OP. Better to get yourself as a threesome sorted minus him but keep your relationship civil and friendly as much as possible.

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