New and nervous about posting. Please Help!(26 Posts)
So here is a little back story:
I have two children from previous. Their dad is involved and collects them every other weekend. I was unhappy with him for about 7 years and never realised how unhappy until I met my current partner.
Met my now DH about 2.5years ago. He has a DS and he comes to stay EOW. Things moved quickly. We all got on really well. We moved in together and had a baby and married within 18 months. Then the "honeymoon period" ended and the kids started arguing. So we changed weekends so that we had his kids on weekend and mine the other.
His DS is very messed up. He has had various men live with him over the years, and called a fair few dad. His mother took him away and it took DH (before me) nearly 18 months to get him back and disprove all her lies which the court see through. DH was then living with another woman and her child. (His only other relationship other than me or the mother)
So back to the present. The kids is obviously very messed up. I've tried and tried to get along with him but we just don't "click". I resent him a bit for the way he bully's my DS5 (it's not just my view, many others have voiced how nasty SS8 can be to him). Just before the wedding, I told my partner how hard I was finding it and that I was worried about the marriage. And commiting to his son. We talked and I love my partner and I've never been happier (other than EOW). Some weekends I can tolerate it when SS is here, other times I am so depressed in the week leading up to it that I try to plan something.... Anything ... To get me out of the house.
This weekend is my DS1s 1st birthday. It's his weekend. I want my kids here. But don't want them together. We tried recently and it's so hard. Small 2bed house with 4 kids ( and I'm pregnant and tired and boobing baby constantly) and I don't know what to do. I've spoken to DH, and nothing got sorted. It's like he isn't honest with me about how he really feels. I just don't want my kids missing the 1st birthday when the SS is there. He can walk in the house and ignore both me and DS1 for at least a few hours, as if we aren't even there.
I don't even know what I'm asking. I just feel so lost and unhappy. I'm worried that I am going to have to finish the marriage to get away from the SS that I resent and don't want to be around. I know I sound horrible. I know im the adult. But honestly, I have tried to make it work. I've tried to like him. I just don't know what to do. This is the only thing me and DH ever have issues with. I feel like I wish I could feel differently but I can't. Has anyone else been through this and come out the other side? Or am I going to have to face the fact that I have to put up and shut up. Or just walk away? From my husband , and our family?
You are being honest and that can only be a good thing. But your dss has had such a mixture of step parents/ siblings and now half siblings. Plus disrupted contact with his dad. It sounds like everything in his short live is constantly changing and he has no security or stability.
Maybe it would help to live separately for a few years so his dad can help him work through everything. Does he get any support at school for his chaotic home life? He needs someone he doesn't need to worry about upsetting to be able to talk to.
Thanks for replying.
Yes he is constantly getting help with his behaviour at school as he is so disruptive and aggressive and violent at school.
Living apart isn't really an option. he has no where to go. We couldn't afford two rents.
I just feel like giving up. On everything. I just can't cope anymore.
Bottom line is you need to find a way to get on with this child or you need to split up because you clearly can't go on like this.
Your DH should be more supportive. He should be laying down rules to his DS about how he must behave in your house.
Ok he's been through the mill a bit but that's no excuse for rudeness, bad behaviour or bullying your DC. Your DSS is now part of your family and should be able to follow your family's rules.
It always amazes me how one child is given so much power over a whole family!
It doesn't seem like either of this boy's parents have prioritised his needs. He has been exposed to several new partners by his Mum, and he meets his Dad's partner and child only for them to break up and then within the space of 2 years gets a new stepmum and step siblings, and two new babies thrown into the mix too.
OP you and your husband should surely have spent time trying to blend your family, iron out any conflicts or difficulties, find more suitable housing and create stability for your existing children before having more. Still it is done now and an 8 year old is paying the price. As an adult I would struggle to cope with that much change, let alone such a young child.
And actually Heavens a chaotic homelife, lack of stability and insecure attachments can be a valid reason for children to have anger and behavioural issues, it isn't 'making excuses' to acknowledge that kids can be damaged by the childhood we give them. It doesn't seem like this child has any power at all to me, he certainly has no control over the decisions the adults around him have made which have caused him so much disruption. I hope his parents start putting him first and he gets the help he needs.
If you gave up do you have a plan for what you would do if you can't afford two rents now?
What are your current sleeping arrangements in your current home, does your dss have any permanent space of his own?
OP - I feeel for you but that poor kid.
Let's be honest one child has been royally screwed over by 3 adults. It has been summarised nicely earlier
Your two DCs - obviously have the second room in your house, does DSS have his own bit of your home. I get the feeling not.
You do not want him there for his brothers birthday = but you want the babys other DCS there. He will know oyu do not like him. Mine knew from the age of 5 their now Ex SM did not like them, barely tolerated them and did not want them in the house.
That is nasty beyond belief.
This child has a scatty mother according to you. A father who gets contact, introduces 2 other DCs that live with him and then you and he have another 1 + 1pending. He must feel completely unwanted inconvenient and he is doing what kids do - vocalising in an aggressive manner. He is hurting and so far, none of the adults are actually fronting up and realising how lonely, isolated and scared this child must feel.
With your attitude towards him, I would say you are best out of his life, problem with that is he will lose his siblings and probably his father. V sad because 3 thoughtless, self centred adults - did what they wanted and did not look at all the families.
The adults in this situation all need to bloody grow up a bit.
Mum needs to stop introducing every short term boyfriend as dad (if thats true that she does this, it wouldnt be the first time someone lied and insulted their ex )
Dad should have taken it a lot lot lot slower with you after living with one woman and her child your step spn lost both of them, then suddenly you and your kids are on the scene and bam your married one baby and another on the way!
You need to look at the housing situation with so many kids a two bed isnt great, why did you jump to having more children with barely enough space for the existing ones?
Why get married when the kids didnt get on so bad you have them seperate weekends?
Until the adults get a grip the step son stands no chance
Yes. We have all messed up. We were, and still are, so happy in our marriage. It's just the kids that we are struggling with. It honesty wasn't that bad before. It's just got worse and worse and festered to what it is today. I already feel awful about it all. I really don't want to leave my husband. But as you lot say. Maybe it's for the best. As for housing if it doesn't work out. I guess I will be a state benefit revisiting single mum with 4 kids prone to depression and will never become anything. I have only ever acted on love. I married my husband because I love him. And I wanted it to be all lovely and I thought we were just having minor adjustment issues that would get better. I guess I was wrong. And now I'm left with two failed relationships and I'm considers D the bad one because of the crap upbringing he has had. And FYI, I have had a pretty rough few years previous to meeting my DH, and my kids are well within their rights to be just as messed up, if not, more than he is but they turned out OK. Because I loved them and did my best for them. Which is all I wanted to do for this poor broken boy. But I failed. And he hates me. As does his mother.
Don't you want to look for solutions though. You will soon have seven of you in a two bedroom house. Where does everyone sleep right now?
6. He doesn't live with us. And when he comes, mine go to their dads. I did want to look for solicitors, or at least know ok not alone and that things will get better. But these replies have sunken me into a deep depression. I've not felt like this for years. I can't help the way I feel. I've tried to get on with the boy. But it's not that easy. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost.
What does your dp think should happen? One of you needs to be able to think clearly for a solution. Can you move to a cheaper area so you can get a house big enough for you all?
What is the boy actually doing that is causing so many problems?
Give examples of his behaviour......
Yes, I have been in that situation. I was in a relationship with who I thought was the love of my life. He had 3 DCs and I had two. His DD1 was difficult -understandably, her parents were apart - she was quite nasty to my DCs and to me. Sometimes they got on okay. But I knew that my 2 would always come off worse if we lived together. It broke my heart but I walked away.
You have to stop the "woe is me" (a deep depression because of words on an internet forum? really?) and deal with the consequences of the situation you have created. Were you planning on 5 kids sharing a room? I agree there's no excuse for rudeness but what an awful situation to come in to. No wonder he's silent when he arrives, never mind the fact he'll be picking up on your antagonism towards him.
He's 8. He isn't spending his time scheming about how to make you unhappy. He's probably too unhappy himself to care about anyone else.
What a sad situation. Your OP suggests you left your husband for this man and then married and had 2 kids within 2.5 years. You talk about walking away from "our" family. I'm guessing DSS isn't part of that "our".
I think if it came to it he hates every adult at the moment.
He stays EOW - in your DCS room - please tell me you can not see how awful that must be for him.Not his space, bet he is told not to touch anything, no space to call hos own, SM he knows can not stand him. all attention on his new sib and another coming. OMG!
You and your selfish DP are in love - congratulations. All the children are struggling - no shit sherlock - the adults around them are twunts. YOurs have turned out OK- say who. Am sure it is not all the DSS fault in all the arguments. YOurs have a father who welcomes them into his home, your DSS comes to his fathers home where hostility reigns and he knows you do not want him. Hell he never gets to be aprt of the family because you now send your DCs away .
You have blinkers on that are so big I am amazed if you knwo it is night or day.
This is not about you, it is about vulnerable children. YOur DSS is expressing himself to everyone - school mum, home etc - how shit he feels, how low his self esteem is. He is communicating loud and clear - the toddler adults are not listening, caring or even making an effort to make him feel loved, wanted part of anything.
Stop playing the victim, you are not.
Yes OP you wanted it to be all lovely, but children aren't robots and as soon as your SS didn't meet your expectations you turned on him. Not allowing him near your own precious children, wanting to cancel his weekend with his Dad just so that you don't have to breathe the same air as him on your baby's birthday! How would you feel if someone treated your own DC like that? I bet it would break your heart. Frankly your DH needs to take alot of the blame here for allowing a situation to exist where his child is so marginalised.
You represent everything that is wrong with blended families. So caught up in what you want that it's all loveliness and moving in together and having yet more children without any consideration for the ones whose lives you are damaging in the process.
Jesus you guys haven't thought about anyone but yourself here and introducing a new baby and another one on the way with everything up in the air, was extremely selfish your DP boy is acting out because of the speed and massive changes in his life look at it from his point of view his father has obtained a new wife moved in and her kids who get to live with his dad and she has a new baby and another on the way. Often kids struggle with these relationship have been established for year but this isn't even 2 years you've been totally unfair to him and now you want to exclude him further from his siblings birthday? What on earth does his DF say? I hope someones sticking up for him, he will sense you bitterness btw, If he can't be treated the same then you shouldn't be with his DF. Blended families takes a lot of sacrifices and time to become established you have completely thought wholly about your own needs and wants here.
How bad is the behaviour you're talking about?
How much of his own stuff/space does your DSS have at your house? It can't be fun having to stay in your DC's room.
What's the long term housing plan? Could you afford a larger house in a slightly less nice area? You know 2 beds won't work for long.
He was only 5.5 when you met your DH. Poor little boy.
Can you not find any sympathy for him somewhere? I think you made a big mistake by swapping weekends rather than working through the TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE adjustment period with the children. Instead he must feel isolated. He's only eight. My boys were horrible at eight, it's a difficult age but you can't bloody give up FFS!
I totally agree with lookluv YOU don't get to be the victim here and neither does your DH and his mum. HE is the victim and you all really need to shape up quick smart.
I'm very sorry you are feeling so hopeless but unfortunately you're facing the consequences of give rushed things. You didn't need to marry so quickly and then using a child let alone two. You can't close your eyes to issues and then feel aggrieved when they come to face you.
Saying that I don't think your situation is hopeless you'll just need to make the adjustment you should hedge made sooner. You've accepted you can't play happy family so now you'll need to accept compromises which in your case will mean that eow your husband will be father to his boy before yours. Let them have their time and do your own things. Once you've accepted that 2 days out of 14 you'll need to take a step back you'll be able to see that it doesn't have to be so bad and you can still the happy family you long for.
Making decisions for "love" is not wise. Practical considerations need to be taken into account such as impact on children.
What a shame that hasn't happened in this case.
I have been in a similar situation and swingofthings advice is very good.
5 years ago I found that my relationship with DH was suffering due to his DS, he was the only thing we argued about. So I stepped back, I did not engage with DSS. I let DH do everything for him. He lived with us so it was a bit different. I did not comment, complain or offer my opinions or suggestions on DSS or his behaviour. By disengaging, the stress in our relationship diminished significantly.
By letting the boy and your DH build their own relationship and you focusing on the rest of the family, you might find things are a bit easier for you.
No real advise just wanted to give u a hug , it's so bloody stressful when kids are involved, we have to consider your own children's feelings and the step children your dp's feelings and say and do all the right things and yes it does sound like your ss has been through a lot but who considers your feelings in all this? It's so hard it's almost like u have to be a robot and do the right thing for everyone else doesn't it xx
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