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Struggling with DP's son

(9 Posts)
HanShotFirst1 Wed 31-Aug-16 22:08:54

I have two boys with DP who are 3 and 1 and DP has two boys who are 15 and 16. They live with us full time and have done since I have been with DP (over 5 years now). I am really struggling with the behaviour of the eldest and I am not sure how to cope. Without wanting to drip feed DP is a lot softer on the 16yo than he is the 15yo and I think this is because the 16yo was seriously ill when he was younger - he is fine now though.

He can be so vile. I feel awful saying this but he really can be so nasty. Yesterday night he was messing around with his brother in their room after 11pm. DP told them both to stop as they had school and would wake the babies and were disturbing us. They didn't, and next thing I know eldest had broken his bed (snapped four of the slats that hold the mattress so it won't stay in the frame now).

Things then escalated and he and DP ended up arguing and step son put his fist through his bedroom door. It eventually calmed down and they both went to bed (finally at about 1:30am).

Roll on this afternoon before DP is home from work and step son had left a load of stuff lying around. I asked him to tidy up and he started getting cheeky and saying no, why should he etc. It quickly escalated, as it does when he is involved. I went to leave the room as it was clear he was not going to do what I asked and he called my name. I turned around and he spat in my face. It then all started again and in the end DSS2 had to drag him up to his room to calm down.

DP got home and I could here him screaming from his room 'she's a bitch, she started it' referring to me. DP has had to take him out as the situation was just ridiculous. He is still not back.

I don't know what to do. His mood just makes the house really unpleasant and difficult to be in. I don't like spending time with him (which tbh he probably picks up on), but what am I supposed to do?

I know people say you know what you are getting into with someone with kids but I did not expect to be treated like this in my own home!

sleepyMe12 Wed 31-Aug-16 22:19:50

He spat in your face?!
Han I'm so sorry this has happened.
I hope your dp tears him a new one.
He could be arrested for assault for that.

What are you hoping happens from here?

Wdigin2this Thu 01-Sep-16 08:33:47

OMG, he spat in your face and called you a bitch, well cheek and lasyness are bad enough in themselves....but this is way over the top! He thinks he can get away with this appalling behaviour, basically because he has up til now!
I think you and DP need to sit down together (just the 2 of you) and work this out. You need to devise a strategy for dealing with this boy, because he's not an adult yet, and decisions...good or bad, must be made by his parent, and you, as the other adult in the household.
Although it has to be said 'he's at a difficult age', I'm afraid it's going to have to be tough love for a while. You need to inform him, that neither of you will tolerate such disruptive behaviour from anyone in the household, then spell out that actions beget consequences,eg: spitting at anyone incurs removal of iPad/iPhone/Xbox etc for a set time!
You have to draw up a 'reasonable' list of consequences for disruptive actions, which apply to all the kids, but you also need to both be aware of your own behaviour within the home too, eg: try to be fair all round, don't yell at the kids, (easy to say I know) but most importantly, you need to present a united and resolved head of the family!
One last thing, when you discuss this with DP, try not to be accusatory, defensive or aggressive....keep you voice at as low and quiet level as possible! Good luck flowers

MeridianB Thu 01-Sep-16 08:54:05

Wow. Just wow.

This would be WAY out of my capacity to address. It sounds as if he has huge anger issues and he and your DP need some professional support to address this.

What did your DP do/say about this when he got back? Did DS1 open up? What is his plan to handle this? Hopefully he recognises that this is now a whole new ball game and whatever he has done in the past is not working. The fist through the bedroom door should have been the watershed.

It sounds like you need a very serious talk with DP. He owes it to you and the other children to make your home a safe and happy place. He owes it to DS1 to address his problems properly.

As sleepy said, spitting is now classed as assault, and rightly so. It's a truly vile thing to do. DS1 can't even claim it was on impulse after calling you back to do it shock. Has he even apologised?

Can you disenage and let DP deal with him for a while or is that not possible practically? I'd be worried that left unchecked, DS1 could get increasingly violent.

NNChangeAgain Thu 01-Sep-16 10:25:33

OP - I'll try and be gentle, but you have to consider protecting your younger DC's.
A baby and toddler living in a family home with a violent 16 year old is a risk. I am sure you will do your best to protect them, but they cannot be shielded from the hostility, or from witnessing the violence.

I really, really urge you to seek professional help - without your DPs support if necessary. If you are in England/Wales, call your local Soc Ser team and ask for advice. Explain what is happening.
Yes, it will create drama for your family in the short term. But your family needs help. And your DSS needs support to learn the anger management skills required to function in society.
If he lashes out to others as he has to you, he will end up arrested and with a criminal record.

It may seem brutal, but involving professionals now is the best thing you can do for everyone, even if your DP is in denial.

Findingpeace Thu 01-Sep-16 19:48:45

My DSDs lived with us full time from the ages of 12 and 15 and in my experience the age of 15 seems to be the most difficult in terms of young people being able to manage their behaviour. We too had broken doors and smashed glass. The best thing we did was talk to the school and get the girls some counselling, initially through the school and then from CAMHS.

Does your dss go to school or college and could you talk to them? Sometimes the best support they can get is some help in learning coping skills and how to self-sooth.

I feel for you op. I was where you are now 3 years ago and it was so so hard flowers

swingofthings Sun 04-Sep-16 10:03:27

Your SS sounds like he has some emotional issues and clearly anger problems. I expect your OH is 'softer' on him because he is concerned that otherwise, he will lose him forever and trying to take the 'softer' approach to reach him and try to help him.

The question is: why is he feeling the way he is? This behaviour is often the result of low self-esteem and feeling inferior, ie. feeling less lovable, so they do everything to prove to themselves that indeed, their feelings are justified. It's a vicious circle.

I think considering the stage it is at, you are best to leave his dad to deal with his attitude/behaviour, but support your OH to try to get to the bottom of the problem, whether alone, with his ex, or with professional help.

BlueberrySky Sun 04-Sep-16 10:13:22

If you look on the teenage topic, you will see that this sort of behaviour is not that unusual nor limited to blended families.

I have a very difficult teenage son too, there is no magic solution. I would suggest however, as you had tried to do, leave the room rather than let things escalate. Get his father to deal with him, as you are doing. As long as you and your DH are on the same side it will be easier to deal with.

CRazzyyAce Tue 06-Sep-16 14:39:21

That's appalling op, i would be furious if my DS behaved like towards his SM. Is the aggression a recent thing towards you and your DP? Is there any triggered which may have caused it, although being a teenager does not excuse spatting in someone face. Is there any contact with the mum? What has his behaviour been like at school has it mirrored the same as home?

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