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Is it worth it....

(16 Posts)
Havefeelings12 Thu 25-Aug-16 20:58:47

Any SM's out there struggling with SD's disliking SM's and knowing what to do?

booksandcoffee Thu 25-Aug-16 21:04:53

I am a SF,does that count? For what it is worth my stepdaughter went through a phase when she had just turned 13 of loathing me with a passion. She even truied to get my DP to kick me out. One thing that helped was remembering that I actually wanted my stepfather to die when I was 14 yet eventually came to realise I loved him. My SD generally get on well now. There are still moments but I think she has come to realise I love her. Every relationship is different, but there is hope. Good luck, OP.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 25-Aug-16 21:09:33

After the stuff I read on this section is say to anyone judge it in the early months and if it's bad then run a mile!!!

So many don't though and hang around for years until they reach breaking point and find Mumsnet! smile

Havefeelings12 Thu 25-Aug-16 21:14:12

Thank you booksandcoffee, pleased it's all worked out for you. We are currently away on our hols and I'm finding myself wishing it away, wanting to go home. This can't be right, I work hard all year for my 2 weeks away, No point saying anything to H, he doesn't get it. They think they can put what they want and say what they want on social media about me, it's embarrassing and just makes me feel awful

CannotEvenDeal Thu 25-Aug-16 22:10:54

No point saying anything to H, he doesn't get it.

I'm that case I'm sorry but it's not worth it if you don't get the support of your husband. And the social media- wtf? angry

Sorry you're having a crap holiday. Any chance you could just slope off on your own for a day trip or two?

Havefeelings12 Thu 25-Aug-16 22:31:21

I could happily fly home & would if I didn't have my child with me. Really don't want this to be the end of my marriage, I so think that H just thinks I should be accepting of how they behave. If I try to discuss it with him then I'm the person with the problem. Don't have any SM friends, don't know of anyone in the same situation as me. Feeling awful

CannotEvenDeal Thu 25-Aug-16 22:36:19

Sorry, didn't realise that your own dc was there too. What are the ages of all the kids involved? Your husband is wrong to turn a blind eye but since joining this site I've realised that it happens quite a lot...

Does your dc interact well with your sdc?

Havefeelings12 Thu 25-Aug-16 22:51:55

12, 16, 16. Yes they interact well, been very lucky from day 1, they work well together. Usual disagreements that any young adults have when together but work it all out. I don't understand why ignoring whats going on is seen by H as being the easy option, it must hurt him. If it was me the least I would do is have a conversation with them about it. It concerns me that they are allowed to do what they do and have absolutely no regard for anyone's feelings.

Findingpeace Thu 25-Aug-16 22:55:21

I have 2 DSDs. They are now 18 and 21 and lived with me and dh full time since they were 12 and 15. We've gone through ups and downs. I've had the 'you're not my mum and can't tell me what to do'. The youngest once compared me to miss piggy on Instagram for about a month. She didn't know I saw it and I was very very hurt, especially considering all I was doing for her. We still sometimes struggle as she still lives with us. The oldest was pretty horrible before she moved out at 19 but now she tells me she loves me and seems to appreciate me. I love both of them but it is damn hard to be a sm!
How old are your Dsc? The ages of 13 to 16 are the hardest in my experience.

Findingpeace Thu 25-Aug-16 22:59:23

Sorry, cross post. My DH ignored some of it and addressed some of it. It's really important that the dsc can see that dh won't put up with disrespectful behaviour towards you. If he doesn't address it it's unlikely to stop unfortunately. Can you talk to him about it?

Havefeelings12 Thu 25-Aug-16 23:19:27

I've tried to talk to him about it, just sees it as being I'm the one with the issue despite it being written down for all to see. His ExW is the same, he doesn't ever seem to address what's said there, just says it comes with the territory and his own father recently talked about a family gathering that couldn't take place on the chosen date because it's a very sad day for everyone - turns out it's the day that H and ExW got married. I sat and listened to him say it, as did my H. Again my H didn't say anything. It's all a mess, I feel so sad being part of it, why can no-one see how hurtful this all is

Maybe83 Thu 25-Aug-16 23:50:06

Have they written things about you on social media? That is completely and utterly unacceptable.

We have have a good relationship and my step son is no problem if anything it's my daughter who is going through teenage years at the moment as she is younger. Dh and I arent alway on the same page on regarding descipline but disrespecting him is non negotiable. We discuss any disagreements and come up with how we ll deal with it.

I would hit the roof if I thought she had posted negative things about him on social media. Holiday or no holiday she would be grounded and her phone gone.

When you come home I think a serious talk is in order that's awful. Do you have long left on holidays?

CannotEvenDeal Fri 26-Aug-16 09:43:08

I'm sorry but I don't see how there can be a future without your husband's support. He's bring completely insensitive and tbh a piss poor parent if he doesn't taking the online crap (which is essentially cyberbullying) seriously.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Fri 26-Aug-16 22:36:08

I too would never allow my son to post anything horrible on social media. But plenty of men do hide their heads in the sand. I only found that action worked with my DP and DSDs, tackling them directly and standing up for myself. I had to grow a really thick skin. I also got DP to counseling recently and directly bought up some issues where he'd ignored bad behaviour towards me from his DSDs which led to worse problems.

So I don't know what the answer is, but do something and don't be silent, that is the worst thing. I've even got my DSD and DP both around the table and directly addressed some things.

Havefeelings12 Sat 27-Aug-16 10:41:23

Home can't come quick enough. As far as he is concerned I'm the one with the problem, it comes with the territory of being a SM, H was the same with his SM and then he grew up and realised his SM made his father happy. His ExW has told him not to say anything to DSDs because it might upset and embarrass them and he has agreed. Any feelings I have are way down in his list of priorities.

CannotEvenDeal Sat 27-Aug-16 10:57:04

it comes with the territory of being a SM

I'm sorry but I disagree. It doesn't have to be this way. I know I'm fortunate to have a very supportive dh but I shouldn't be viewed as lucky imo.

Being a stepmum should not be synonymous with being trodden on and whilst I'm happy to take a backseat to dss' needs in some regards, I wouldn't be expected to do so when it comes to my basic happiness and well being. The girls do not need to be so bloody nasty. What they need to do is grow up. But your dh is not facilitating that. He's actually doing them a disservice tbh and the story of him being the same makes it even worse!

How long can you feasibly stay with someone who has you 'way down in his lost of priorities'?

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