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Aibu?? Stopping contact with Ex's gf?

(27 Posts)
Rachelly123 Sun 21-Aug-16 21:19:46

Without going too much in to the background of the situation my fiancé and I split 2 years ago when dd was 10 months old. He had been cheating for 3 years with various women the last one being his ex who he has now been in a relationship with since we split. It was hard to deal with at the time -dd having to be around her from day one. But he had always seen dd every Saturday 9-7 . He is in the armed forces so is not around during the week.

3 weeks ago his gf and I got in to an altercation via what's app which resulted in her claiming dd says I hurt her and she is bullied by me. She then went on to threaten me with loosing her if social services found I had laid a finger on her. Just to clarify here. I am the most anti- smacking parent I know. I have never threatened her with a smack nor do I shout at her. We have an amazing relationship and she is very well behaved. I know for certain dd has not said this.
My first reaction was to contact dd dad- his response was "sort it out between the two of you" he did not grasp he seriousness of the situation and the fact that she has claimed dd had said such things- she is almost 3.
I told him and his family that I would not allow her to be around dd any longer as I am concerned that she is saying things to her about mommy hurting her.
My ex refused to agree to this and as such I told him that if he would not agree to keep her way from dd contact would not be taking place. He had no contact with her yesterday as he refused to agree to keep his gf away from dd. he and his family have admitted that her accusations were lies and dd has never said such things but am I being unreasonable stopping his gf having contact with dd?
Btw it is an on/off volatile relationship.

Somerville Sun 21-Aug-16 22:14:18

Stop talking to his girlfriend on whatsapp for a start. It gives her a power to upset you that she really shouldn't have.

Anything that needs saying about your DD should go direct between you and your ex.

Legally you're on shaky ground, both telling him to keep your DD away from his girlfriend and cancelling his contact. And is it really, really in your DD's best interest to suddenly stop seeing her dad? Obviously if you have serious concerns about your daughter's welfare then it's fair enough, but keep all evidence (such as the whatsapp messages) as you'll need them if this ends up in court.

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Aug-16 22:19:57

You need to put your DD first in all of this.

Is it fair to her that she can't see her dad because you and his GF have had a row?

Also WRT * know for certain dd has not said this.*

You can't really know that for certain because nearly 3yr olds can say some weird shit.

In their heads it makes sense...for example it might be that you hurt her once when brushing her hair. Or she was 'bullied' into going to bed/brushing her teeth.

I think you all really need to talk and get to the bottom of it like sensible adults.

Rachelly123 Sun 21-Aug-16 22:31:29

I tried to talk to dd dad but his response was that he was sick of being stuck in the middle. Her claims were not just that dd had said this on one occasion but that she says it regularly.
Dd has also made remarks to me about things his gf has said about me "mommy is not your bed friend in the world - I am " furthermore he and his family have admitted that she made it up and dd did not say these things. I know legally I cannot dictate who sees dd in his care however as a mother I can't hand dd over to someone who is making up sick lies like this. My main concern is what on earth is she saying to dd when alone with her if she is capable of this?

Contact has not been stopped. I stipulated that she should not be present during contact and if he could not agree to this I would not allow contact to take place. Contact usually takes place at his parents house and she is present around 50% of the time.
Just to clarify I am not a bitter ex trying to screw things up for him. His gf is not the sort any mother would want around their child, she is young and very very Immature for starters. I have had various issues with her posting images of dd on facebook and refusing to remove them when I have asked her to. They have taken her for days out and she has changed dd in to an outfit she has chosen for that day on the back seat of the car in the winter!.

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Aug-16 22:43:07

He's been in a relationship with her for 2 years though.

It's not going to work if you dictate that she's not allowed near your DD. Besides, that's not your decision alone.

Would it be possible to sit down with them both and have a neutral person present?

This needs sorting out, otherwise it will probably end up in court and cause untold amount of stress/damage all round.

Mostly to your DD.

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Aug-16 22:45:28

Also, if he is happy to have photos of your DD on Facebook then I'm not sure where you stand in that situation?

Assuming you've never put any on there yourself, it's possible a judge might agree with you but if her Dad is happy for the photos to be online, I don't know where you'd stand.

Rachelly123 Sun 21-Aug-16 22:48:28

I agree it does need sorting out and talking through, however my ex will not discuss the matter.
However, from my point I really don't see a way back from this. Lying about a child claiming to have been. Abused by a parent is not something I can brush under the carpet. If a person is capable of saying something like this they are not safe to have around a child?!

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Aug-16 22:52:57

When you say "he and his family have admitted that her accusations were lies", how do they know exactly?

Did she admit to them that she told outright lies?

BertrandRussell Sun 21-Aug-16 22:53:58

Just to clarify I am not a bitter ex trying to screw things up for him. "They have taken her for days out and she has changed dd in to an outfit she has chosen for that day on the back seat of the car in the winter!." Sorry? Don't get the problem here....

Rachelly123 Sun 21-Aug-16 22:55:59

She admitted to then that she lied and that dd has never said such things. She claimed it was said in anger in response to me telling her ex is unreliable as he failed to show 3 x for contact in 3 months due to being too drunk to wake up and collect dd. which is a fact

Rachelly123 Sun 21-Aug-16 22:58:17

What kind if message does it send to a 2 year old. Mommy dresses her perfectly fine (warm winter clothes in the middle of winter) exs gf strips her off in the back of a cold car in a car park and changes her in to another outfit. Not for a purpose- ie a party. Just because she wants her to wear clothes she has purchased.

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Aug-16 22:59:03

Listen, I think you two need to stop all the silly text wars here.

I'm not surprised your ex feels caught in the middle.

Block her number and deal with your ex only, when it comes to arrangements for your DD.

The whole thing does sound quite petty and immature and not what's best for your daughter at all.

Also, you're bound to feel better in yourself once all the warring stops. The stress relief will be wonderful.

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Aug-16 23:01:13

And I'm sorry but the car thing is petty. I'm sure the car had a heater and there's nothing wrong in dressing a child in the outfit you've been kind enough to buy.

You only might have a point about the Facebook pics, if you don't put pics of your DD on there either. But even then if her Dad is happy to have them on FB, that's his business I'm afraid.

HeddaGarbled Sun 21-Aug-16 23:02:35

Have you still got copies of her messages? You might need them as evidence if he takes you to court for access.

It might be worth talking to a solicitor about where you stand with refusing access. She may be acting illegally (slander, defamation, parental alienation, threatening behaviour?) and a solicitor's letter might warn her off.

I'm afraid the changing her clothes in the car, although not ideal, is not really something you can stop and probably not the Facebook stuff either, but making false allegations of child abuse and threatening to call social services with those false accusations, is definitely something that needs stopping.

NNChangeAgain Sun 21-Aug-16 23:03:55

She lied to you. People lie.

She hasn't hurt your DD, your DDs father doesn't believe her and HE doesn't think she's a risk to your DD.

You are not placing your DD in her care, and either you trust your ex to have responsibility for your DD or you don't. You can't place conditions on his contact. He's her dad, with equal responsibility for her. If you think he's incapable of meeting that, then you need to take steps to remove it from him.

This is why "friendships" between former and current partners rarely work when DCs are involved - because the boundaries get blurred and the stepparent becomes integrated into a parental role.

Disconnect from her and then she can say what she likes without you ever knowing.

FallenStar3 Sun 21-Aug-16 23:16:07

Why do you have her number? It's all trivial stuff to be honest he said she said. I was similar situation only the gf was heavily into drinking and cocacine as was ex and was in no fit state to be caring for a small toddler, contact broke down as he would leave him with people to go drinking or come downs from drugs. He was removed from a dangerous situation.

6 years ago he bucked his ideas up went to contact centre and build his relationship up with DS and he sees him twice a week and is going away for a weeks holiday tomorrow.

Yes I get she's annoying she's trying to get a raise out of you but you've got to learn to pick you're battles and in this case however annoying she maybe courts will not prohibit her being there. It is hard having another woman in your child's life especially when it wasn't your choice I get that but sometimes you got to let things go and move on otherwise it eats you up. I have a fairly good relationship with ex and no issues with his DW but I don't have her number not that I would contact her if I did.

TheGruffaloMother Sun 21-Aug-16 23:16:31

Someone you consider to be very very immature has lashed out at you in a very very immature way. And that person has now admitted quite widely that she made it up. You'll achieve nothing bar upset for your DD by putting such a condition on contact with her DF.

You also really need to stop speaking with his partner rather than him. I'd personally message him saying that the pettiness between the two of you will stop as you'll only talk to each other in emergency circumstances but that it's his responsibility to ensure his partner doesn't say inappropriate things in front of DD.

The getting her changed thing? You're looking for ways you can claim she's overstepped the mark. And if either you or your ex post pics of DD to Facebook then you don't have a leg to stand on there either.

Stop giving his DP so much power by liaising with her as though she's the other parent. She isn't.

swingofthings Mon 22-Aug-16 13:56:29

Please please don't start the 'I'll use the control I have which will hurt you the most to counter-act the pain you are putting me through' threat.

Ok so she's a plonker, but in no way is stopping contact going to lead to any positive outcome for anyone. You are using the excuse of the damage she is doing to your DD. She is not doing damage to your DD, she is trying to get back at you because clearly, you are seeing each other as a threat and it is about you and her, not about your DD.

Whatever she says about your treatment of your daughter is immaterial since you know it is not true and she couldn't prove it. So however much you would like to express your anger in return for her expression of her anger, it is not going to accomplish anything. All she will do is try to aim higher, locking you and her in a battle that only you and her will get anything out of it....temporary. In the meantime, your ex and your daughter, the two you and she should care about are stuck in the middle of this non-sense.

You say she is immature. Then it is left to you not to rise to her level. You know what you need to do, I'm sure you do. Stop any contact with her. If she tries to get to you, just ignore it. Stick to your duties to your daughter and forget everything else. Your daughter will thank if many years when she'll see that you put your pride and personal vendetta to the back burner so she could grow a happy child and well balanced adult.

OutToGetYou Mon 22-Aug-16 15:35:31

Really - you need to not be in contact with this woman at all, she is nothing to do with you.

When ex has his contact he can be with whoever he chooses.

Making up lies is nasty but it actually doesn't affect you or your daughter and you've admitted it was in response to you messaging her and telling her things about the ex (which you claim are 'fact' but you actually can't know are true).

Be less invested in what this woman does.

And as for:

"What kind if message does it send to a 2 year old. Mommy dresses her perfectly fine (warm winter clothes in the middle of winter) exs gf strips her off in the back of a cold car in a car park and changes her in to another outfit." - 1) it doesn't send any message to a 2 year old, they have their clothes changed all the time, 2) how do you even know about this? 3) what actually?

Yes, it's always annoying when you dress them in a and they dress them in b, but it's just as annoying for them that you dressed them in b when they want them to be wearing a. You don't get overall say on everything that happens to her - her dad gets 50% input.

RepentAtLeisure Mon 22-Aug-16 15:57:02

Is his contact court ordered or decided between the two of you?

RepentAtLeisure Mon 22-Aug-16 15:57:47

It wasn't a lie, it was a threat to have the OPs child taken away.

OutToGetYou Mon 22-Aug-16 16:13:19

"It wasn't a lie, it was a threat to have the OPs child taken away."


As if she could "have them taken away" anyway.

She later admitted it was a lie, so it was a lie - and she could never 'have them taken away'.

To be honest, both the op, her ex and her ex's gf sound immature.

headinhands Mon 22-Aug-16 16:49:35

Not a good idea to be moaning about him to her. Stop talking to her. This is all very very silly

Rachelly123 Mon 22-Aug-16 21:11:39

Thank you all for your comments.... Whilst I do agree it is all very Imature and her and I should not be communicating it does not change the fact that she is capable of lying about a child claiming they are being hurt by a parent- even if she eventually admitted it was a lie- who else has she told? If she is capable of this what else is she saying to dd?

headinhands Mon 22-Aug-16 22:32:31

It's just unworkable to say he can't see them with her. No court would agree that your request is reasonable. Don't let your imagination run rampant because of this storm in a teacup. But see it as time to step away from communicating with her and discuss everything necessary through your ex.

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