I want to message dsd and tell her....(21 Posts)
I'm so sorry for the message mil has just sent her.
Dsd is 14 and coming on holiday with us on Saturday. She have just had a holiday with her dm so is over there at the moment.
She is a bit rubbish at answering her phone/texts.
Mil is picking her up for us and has been waiting for dsd to confirm her dm agrees on the pick up time. She has called and text a couple of times (so have we) but no answer.
So mil got angry and called up saying she messaged dsd and told her that as she wasn't bothering to answer they weren't bothering to pick her up and we wouldn't take her on holiday.
I was not happy (understatement)
Yes it's a pain, yes she should have answered.
But she is a teenager. A general time had been agreed. She has two younger siblings, toddler dd with autism and all the extra needs and attention that brings and ds who is Four months old.
So there's already a lot of upheaval, I'm very aware she needs extra care taken of her feelings at the moment and probably feels pushed out anyway.
DP says I'm overreacting and his mum was right.
Dsd has since called to say sorry and check we were still coming to get her. DP says she sounded 'embarrassed'.
Ok so it hit the desired reaction but fuck me, at what cost to dsd?! I can't imagine how I'd have felt it it was me!
If it was my mum that had done something like that to mine I would have gone batshit at her. I want to go batshit at mil.
There's no way I'm going on AIBU with this one! But am I wrong?
I should add the calling and texting to get hold of dsd was going on for about four days.
The poor girl was on holiday!! Maybe crap signal or dm had suggested some tech free family time?? Or maybe helping out with her siblings?? I hope mil is holidaying somewhere shark infested.......
Sorry I must have not put that clear enough
Last week dsd was on holiday with her dm, this week she has been at dm's house.
I just can't believe all the careful effort to make dsd not feel pushed out has been thrown out of the window.
Don't worry, dodgy - if you'd sent the message you'd have been condemned for all time on MN for being the most wicked, evil Stepmum in the history of time.
But, your MIL will be defended and justified - the expectation is that your DSD should show your MIL far more respect than she ever needs to show you.
Fwiw, I think teens are fairly robust, and she probably responded because that's the kind of language they understand - direct and unambiguous. She'll have a great time on holiday with you and forget all about it, I'm sure!
Well I think you are lovely and it might be nice for your DSD to hear from you and to know that not everyone is as crazy and mean as your MIL. She's lucky to have you.
You sound lovely and considerate. Yanbu
I do think that it is basic good manners to reply to messages sent by your gran and parents/step parents. Esp when it involves people going out of their way to do something that benefits you.
Fwiw, if you had sent that message I wouldn't have criticised you.
Taking extra care if someone doesn't mean tolerating disrespectful behaviour.
It was disrespectful. However it was consider ably more disrespectful to intimidate a child.
Everyone needed to think about the other people involved, but at 14 you make mistakes and these need to be dealt with lovingly.
Text her and let her know you know she made a mistake but is loved.
Could MIL call or text dsd's mum next time?
Is your MIL in any position to decide who comes on the holiday or not?
If s not a nice thing to threaten but your dsd ignored calls and texts for 4 days. She's 14 - I can't imagine she didn't have access to her phone! That's pretty rude when her gran is doing her a favour by giving her a lift.
I know dsd was wring for bit getting in touch, it just felt like using an (emotionally manipulative) sledge hammer to crack an egg.
No, if mil had really not wanted to get her I'd have gone myself. She just likes to help out and pick her up sometimes.
I think I've just reacted to it because I think I'd have been devastated if my nan had sent that to me.
I agree with you on the principle, but I think you are making a massive big deal about something that doesn't warrant it.
MIL wasn't wrong to be annoyed and to expect her GD to respond more promptly. You say that she is rubbish at answering her phone, as indeed most teenagers are unless it is something they are interested in, but that doesn't make it acceptable.
I expect my kids to respond to my texts within a reasonable time and yes, I have told them off when they haven't and it either left me worried, but inconvenienced me (ie. picking them up from somewhere not knowing the time etc...). It's only one of their typical teenage attitude that I pick them up on (along with telling them off for not clearing up after themselves, for them leaving the laundry on the table for days, for eating food I had intended for a meal etc...
I bet your SD has already forgotten about it or even actually accepted that she was indeed in the wrong. I'm sure that at 14, she picked up that her GM words about her not going on the trip was only ranting rather than a threat.
I think you are very much over reacting to think that your SD is going to be emotionally affected by this event. If she was 8 maybe, but at 14?
At 14 she should have manners to respond to texts. I would stay out of it personally.
You can just tell her how you are really looking forward to seeing her but don't tell her she doesn't need manners
Mil should t have said the holiday was off but was entitled to tell her that she's not collcting her.
My Dss is the same age and crap at replying to texts etc. Doesn't matter who it is from!
I think your MIL was massively out of order for the holiday being cancelled comment and I would certainly speak to dsd and tell her that but I would maybe point out that manners dictate a response even if it starts with "sorry I have only just seen this"
By the way, I still think it is lovely that you care so much for your SD and she is lucky to have you.
I would want to know what the reason for not answering was first - if she was busy at her mum's, if the texts came through when she was doing something else and she forgot to answer, if she was waiting for a good time to ask her mum to confirm the time or maybe her mum said that she didn't know what would be a good time, she would have to wait until closer to the date to know what else was happening or ??? And of course she could also be rubbish at replying.
All these things - while not excuses - could help towards explaining why she didn't contact mil and you could help her out by giving her some strategies for the different situations.
So for example if she asked her mum but was told by her mum to wait until nearer the time, then instead of waiting and not replying she could send a quick text to say I asked mum, she couldn't give me a time but should know on Thursday, hope that's OK.
Or a 'sorry, phone been out of charge/been tied up with siblings/etc so missed your messages...' if she misses several messages.
I can imagine ds being like this when he gets a bit older- he already has form for not answering when you talk to him sometimes. Then when you push for an answer he'll get grumpy and say that he doesn't know or he's eating or thinking or whatever. Dh and I are trying to impress upon him that if this is the case then he needs to say so (or gesture to his mouth if eating!!) rather than make no sign of noticing as currently happens. It's currently a bit of an uphill struggle and I suspect that once he is older and more reliant on a mobile then he might be just the same.
Having said that, I must admit that I hate it when people expect instant answers to texts - if my phone is charging or I'm in the middle of stuff then I wouldn't always answer either, especially if it was about somethings immediate. I've also had messages that take a day to get through so tad ding extra complications when talking about tomorrow as it's different for the sender and receiver...
So I do think it's would be nice to contact your sds or maybe make a joke about it when you see her - but also to get her to understand why her gran was quite so upset and what she could do next time to ensure it doesn't happen again.
Not sure there are many 14-year-olds on the planet who are not glued to their phones and would be replying to texts from their friends by return.
If she is not mature enough to make arrangements then best to go through her mum.
I'd stay out of it. I once tried to untangle something between MIL and DSD and MIL ended up with the hump and defended DSD's rudeness to her. No good deed etc.
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