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Step-parenting

Who would do it all again?

55 replies

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 02/08/2016 23:44

Just that really. A lot of people told me not to get involved with a man who already had children, but I did.
Just wondering if you have also done this, would you do it if you had your time again and why?

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ayeokthen · 02/08/2016 23:49

I did, and although it's been a bumpy road at times (XW is a psycho, SS heavily involved, lots coming out none of us knew, DP included!) I'd do it all again, because we're a family, for better or worse.

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MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 02/08/2016 23:57

That's lovely. Do you have any children together?

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ayeokthen · 03/08/2016 00:00

Yup, 2 and my DS he's taken on as his own too. Has this helped ease your mind a bit?

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DamsonGinIsMyThing · 03/08/2016 00:02

No.
Ex DP had a daughter and he was a shit dad. Shit.
I'm now single and I purposely don't date men who have children.

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MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 00:05

A little yes thank you. It's good that you were both in the situation with children before as I guess you'll both understand what you want from each other.
I am years down the line and we have 2 DC and I love my DP so much, but the arguments over him being a 'Disney Dad', we also have a psycho, game playing ex on the scene and it just makes me wonder if it's worth it sometimes. We also have so little time together!

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MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 00:09

I wouldn't do it again Damson, even tho I adore my DP. If we didn't have the DC I would have walked away a long time ago.

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Waltermittythesequel · 03/08/2016 00:12

No.

I adore dh and the life we have together but...it aged me, stressed me out she genuinely ruined chunks of my life.

If dh and I ever split, I won't go near a man with children.

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VimFuego101 · 03/08/2016 00:15

Nope. I look back at pics of me 8 years ago (before I got together with DH) and can't believe how I've aged in that time. I look 20 years older.

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ayeokthen · 03/08/2016 00:16

Thankfully my DP isn't a Disney dad, and I have a psycho XH too so maybe it was something that brought us together. Some days it's been sheer bloody determination that's held us together, sometimes it's been really hard. But most days it's all worth it, and some days it's amazing!

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DamsonGinIsMyThing · 03/08/2016 00:16

It was more his inability to parent that put me off. His ExW and I got on lovely, a slowly and carefully built relationship with his daughter.
But when she came for the weekend he would 'play' with her, which was essentially him sitting next to her on the floor whilst she played and he twiddled on his phone. That and the total lack of support when I was having fertility issues.
I don't know, he's put me off men with children big time, whereas the issue isn't men with children, it was just him being a prize prick.

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MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 00:26

I have no idea how we've stayed together. I have also aged 15-20 years in less than 4 and what should have been such happy times have been ruined. It's just so hard and it feels I'm just waiting for the next issue/argument and it's making me someone I don't want to be.
Damson that's a shame, but good that you managed a good relationship with the ex. I only found out much later that my OHs ex (that left him) was still coming on to him during handover when I was sat in the car with our DC Shock She couldn't even be nice to me when I was trying to discuss Xmas presents for her children off me and my family.

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MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 00:28

I so wish he didn't behave the way he does with his kids and I think it will cause even more problems as our DC get older and realise the inequalities.

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HormonalHeap · 03/08/2016 13:33

Yes I would do it all again. Going away with 5 kids ie my 2 and dh's 3 when they were young was pure torture, as was living with them on and off because of dh's unwillingness to discipline/say no to them for fear of them cutting contact, which they did a couple of times.

But.... They have now grown up and don't live with us. I am left with the only person I would ever want to be married to (daft as that sounds), and we share a wonderful life. At times I thought it would never end. There is still hassle, but it's hassle from a distance, less regular and not in my face.

Yes I would do it all again.

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smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 03/08/2016 13:38

Hi MumOfTwo

No I wouldn't, I love my DP and when it's just us and our ds things are fine but as soon as dsc get here he turns into a Disney dad and the older dsc get the worse he gets

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MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 13:46

That's what I dread smiling. I'm close to breaking point now and the times with no contact are mainly so happy and it makes me sad to think that's what we could have had. I'm close to walking away even tho I really do love DP.

Everyone says to me that I knew what I was getting into and it's my choice, but I just didn't imagine it ever being this bad. DS was an accident in a new relationship and DC2 was planned. I'm financially dependent, especially on maternity leave but I don't know if I can cope with anymore of this sh*te and am seriously thinking of leaving. Obviously don't want to separate my DC from their Dad but I can't see it improving.

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paxillin · 03/08/2016 13:47

Probably not. The dsc get such a raw deal. Our family is fairly functional as step families go. Dss still gets to come and see what could have been, dad married to not-mum, new dc have both parents live with them. Whilst it is amicable, it isn't any child's dream. Holiday planning and weekends always require 3 grown ups to agree. He's never here often enough and one of his parents is missing from most of his days. He's almost grown up now.

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MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 14:29

Interesting that you feel DSC get a raw deal. I actually feel like our DC get a raw deal.
DSC get prioritised by everyone (DP and family and both grandparents) because their parents have split.
DP worked away most of DCs lives and didn't bond with DC1 for at least a year because he was purely focused on DSC when he was home.
We can't resolve the conflict over his ex and the way he treats the kids, so we argue and DP frequently leaves for days with NC which isn't fair on our DC.

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paxillin · 03/08/2016 14:34

Leaving for days with NC would mean I'd LTB. That's a bad parent and manipulative husband. Stepchildren don't come into it at all.

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Chimpfield · 03/08/2016 14:45

Nope, never, as much as I love my DH....... never again.

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timelytess · 03/08/2016 14:47

Are there a lot of men around who don't have children?

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IslandLife · 03/08/2016 14:48

My DP has 3 DDs and 2 XWs and I'm pregnant with our first DD!! When we got together I wasn't purposely looking for a man with children, but I did find it a positive that 2 women wanted to marry him and have babies with him. He is a great Dad, a bit too 'Disney' I think, but he can't help it...he's a big softy and completely overrun with females in his life. We don't have any major issues with the XWs, so I guess we're pretty lucky. Smile

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MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 14:55

Paxillin I agree with you, but it's the only topic to get him angry enough to leave and go NC. He's never done it for a disagreement on anything else. That said, it is what it is, it happens and there's so much negativity associated with his ex and DC, I want to leave him.
Financial dependence and our children have stopped me so far.

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MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 14:57

Do you have children Chimpfield?

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MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 14:57

You are lucky Island and I hope it works out for you

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ayeokthen · 03/08/2016 15:01

It depends on the man I think too. I couldn't cope with a Disney dad, it would drive me nuts. My XH had 1 child that I knew of when I met him, I had our DS then discovered another 5!!!! kids that he'd had with 5 other women. He's a deadbeat with all of them bar my DS because he used his "rights" to try and exert control over me. I should clarify that my DPs DDs are his step kids that he took on when they were tiny, so has no legal obligation, but we feel that morally he does as they've never known any other dad.

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