When you have no break from dsc(17 Posts)
I am just wondering how step parents cope when they have no down time from their dcs.
I have a child free weekend every 2nd weekend and I also have my ex taking my dcs regularly, and for long periods of time, during school holidays. I have a big family and therefore I have a lot of child free time.
My DP of a year has no such luxury and even when I dont havey dc, I have his.
Does anyone have this and can you tell me how this worked when forming new relationships.
I feel im in need of time to recharge as being a single parent is tough, but I dont want to resent my partners children as it is not their fault they have no one else
We did it for several extended periods of time (due to serious complications with DSD's mums MH issues) and it was tough, but in some ways it was easier than it was the rest of the time with constant swapping about and requests/demands/changes. It also changes very quickly as they get older and are able to do more on their own. Before that we used to get a babysitter occasionally so we could have a night out- if they are there all the time you can be s bit more 'normal' in that way too.
I think the most important thing is to make sure you have time without DSC both in and outside the home. So time where the DSC give you space at home so you can be ale and also where you can be a couple. It's really important to build your relationship with your dp to make a blended family work.
I ended up in a situation where j could only get space from DSC by leaving the house, which my dp seemed to think should be fine but I felt suffocated at home not having any space either on my own or with my dp or my own ds.
Does he live with his DC or have contact? To be honest even if he's living with the children majority of people don't have down time when they have kids that's part and parcel of deciding to have children in the first place I'm afraid.
I think you are probably in the minority in that you have regular childfree time. It's just part of having children really.
How old are they ? If school age then obviously school holidays are going to be more full on
Like others say though most parents don't get breaks
I guess your dp should take them out on his own though sometimes to leave you at home ? Mayb e you've got a dp problem if he won't do this ?
"Most parents don't get breaks"
Op isn't the parent is she?
OP you get way more child free time than a lot of parents get. Why are you looking after your DP's children?
I think you to confirm if the DC live with your DP, if they don't and he has access than Yabu he would have his down time on non contact days more so than the DM. If he sole carer than its just the way it is when you have children you have a responsibility to them and give up the freedom you once had. It's annoys me when people complain about having the children. We would all love a break unfortunately a lot of us don't get that luxury.
I'm also a bit confused OP.
Do you and your DP both have DC, but yours see their Dad a lot, and his are resident with you? Is what you find hard when yours is with their Dad and you'd like to enjoy the break from parenting, but his live with you so you're still actually parenting them? Is that right?
Sorry if I've got that wrong.
My DP has sole charge of his children. Mother is not on the scene at all and he has no family or childminders etc.
The children live in a different town from their school so dont even go out after school or see friends at weekends. They are literally with DP every minute that they are not at school.
I knew their situation before we entered in to a relationship so i feel bad complaining about it.
I just find it hard trying to establish foundations for a relationship when we cant even have a night out or even a meal together without children.
I understand I am lucky in that I have a lot of support so I do take that in to account.
The children are pre-teens so are at a difficult age.
His DC and mine can struggle when they are together for long periods of time. I am very aware that just because DP and I love each other and want to be together the DCs wont necessarily agree.
I treat his children very well, they are so good with me and show me affection regularly. I just struggle with not being able to go out with my DP, not being able to go and see a film together and just being like a married couple from day 1.
I love them all and I dont have intentions of splitting up; guess I just needed to vent.
Appreciate the responses
Can't you get a babysitter (or whatever the appropriate equivalent is for preteens)?
You get a babysitter :
I'm a "step" mum, DP is RP and DC don't see their "mother" she has had emergencies every month for the past 20 on her contact afternoons.
It's simple you get a babysitter!
Also I just want to add, it's very ok to want time with just you and DP!
It's ok to moan I have been made to feel in the past, when I'm on my knees and desperate for just a night out or a weekend with my DP alone away from DC that I am a wicked stepmother... Because unlike "real" mums I must be somewhat second best (I really am not trying to cause offence here, it is just how I think a lot of StepMums who are with a RP feel, we feel guilty for putting our needs first sometimes)
I think a lot of parents feel like that. It's ok to moan and vent and say arrrgggh and want time alone with your partner!
How are the teenagers one old enough to baby sit? Altertive is to hire a baby sitter to go out
It sounds like you have a supportive extended family, OP? Would they not be prepared to
help out with some babysitting or childcare for your partners children? I'm reading books about blending families at the moment, and the point is made by psychologists over and over again that the most successful blends, that really work out in the long term, are ones where the children of each parent are loved by both of the couple (which you do) and where any extended family see that love and respect it enough to recognise the blend and include the step-children along with those they've got a genetic link to. Just like they would with adopted children.
Actually another thing I read applies here too. Several psychologists point out that it's very hard for children to love with the knowledge that they've been effectively abandoned by a parent. And when the other set of children have two parents involved in their lives, contact time is a big jolt for those with one parent. And because they then feel sad, they might play up during those times.
The suggestions of what to do are things like
- your DP planning in a fun outing or event to do with his kids at the start of every period that yours leave for contact with their dad. Something that doesn't/wouldn't happen if your kids were there, because it would be too expensive or complicated to do with all of them. This could include you or not, whatever you and your do think the kids would like best. (Perhaps not, to give you a break.)
- Friends/god parents stepping in to spend special time with his kids while yours are with their dad. Did your partner have any friends who were other caring adults in his kids lives before he met you? My kids only have one parent and I really couldn't do it totally alone. And it would out too much pressure on my boyfriend to expect him to step into dad role. But they have other adults to turn to - beyond family there is my best friend her her DH, who have them for sleepovers, an elderly neighbour who has them round for tea and teaches them to gamble with buttons, and coaches at sports they're involved with.
- Making sure his kids have outlets to talk about the fact they don't have a mum in their lives. Family therapy, if necessary. This has helped my kids massively, though our circumstances are somewhat different (their dad died).
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