DP spending money we don't have on dsc(66 Posts)
I didn't know where to post this but thought I can't be the only step parent who has this issue.
Dsc aged 17 and 13 are here for the holidays, DP and i also have a 15 month old son together and I'm 12 weeks pregnant.
We both work but money is tight, we get by and all the kids get whatever they need, bills are paid and we pay our rent but there's not much money for expensive treats, we have the occasional takeaway, can afford the odd trip to the cinema/swimming etc so in my opinion life isn't that bad but everytime dsc are here DP seems to forget that there's no such thing as a money tree and spends a fortune on anything the dsc want.
To make things worse he is currently in the process of changing careers and going self employed so money is tighter than usual but so far in the last week he has taken them to the cinema, taken them out for lunch 3 times, given them £20 each to spend at the arcades and promised them a takeaway on Friday.
He has taken all 3 kids out as I'm not feeling great and just phoned to ask if I wanted lunch bought back as they are having subway. In the grand scheme of things a subway is not going to break the bank but it has tipped me over the edge and I'm now in tears worrying about how we are going to pay the bills since he has spent the money meant for the gas/electric and water. We have plenty of food in the house so there was no need to eat out. He was supposed to be back at 12 for 15 month old to have a nap (he's routine is all over the place because of dsc being here and it's affecting his nighttime sleep which is why I feel ill) so it's not like he's keeping them out to give me a break, I could hear tired toddler crying in the background.
I don't know what I want people to say I just needed to rant because nothing I say to him seems to get through
I think you need to move this away from you accusing him spending money on the DC, and over to a chat about budgeting. He is much more likely to see your point if you say 'we have X amount, until X date (after everything else has been paid) how shall we spend it?" this will hopefully make him realise there isn't a bottomless pit but avoid any distracting arguments around you hating his kids etc etc when that's not the real issue anyway.
You need to sit down with him and tell him that this is what needs to be paid and this is how much money is left. There is not enough so all of you need to think about tightening your belts.
While I understand he wants to treat his children (all three of them) he needs to realise that when they go home he will be left with bills you can't pay and a stressed wife!
If they are with you for the holidays and he is off work I can understand him wanting to treat them. I know I would.
I can understand him wanting to treat his children and I totally agree with the PP that you need to make it NOT about him spending money on your step-kids, but about budgeting in general.
I tried having a discussion last night about the fact we have x amount left until payday and that it meant no more treats as he had spent the treat budget in the first week.
I understand him wanting to treat them and no its not all 3 he wouldn't have bought ds lunch he would have given him a bit of his, he didn't take ds out for lunch or to the cinema so it is just the older 2. I have no problem with him taking them to the cinema or out to lunch BUT not all in the first week when he knows we don't have the money. It's come from the bill account which means we now can't afford to pay at least 2 bills.
I will try talking to him again when he gets back but I fear it will be twisted into me being horrible about dsc, when it is in fact me that has budgeted and saved to allow there to be a bit of extra money to do nice things with them over the holidays, what I didn't budget for was it all to be spent in the first week then him to continue spending
I love my step children they are great kids so I don't begrudge them treats at all but I'd be saying the same thing if he was spending it on ds, we simply don't have the money to keep spending
He could Try and find things local that don't cost a lot or are free.
Perhaps for nxt year put £10 a month in a money tin and open it nxt summer for treats. (I have a tin I save in and I open just before Xmas to buy pressie for our 5 kids - last yr I saved £560 and didn't miss a penny of it.)
Others make good points but also - his "becoming self-employed" worries me. That seldom ends well. What sort of business is it and what is the success rate? Do you have a career? I wouldn't want to be doomed to a hand-to-mouth existence forever but that seems to be his style.
And what's done is done but someone who doesn't like to budget and wants a flexible employment situation probably should not have chosen to father four children. One child is a monumental expense let alone four. Making enough money to support them, even if it takes two jobs, must be his priority going forward.
Its totally irrelevant what or who he has spent it on, the fact is it wasnt available to be spent.
If he tries to make it about you being mean about the dsc, just keep bringing it back to the fact that when the bills come in, those companies wont care why the money isnt there. He could have spent the whole lot on beautiful shoes for you, it wouldnt make any difference at all.
How long are they with you?
It's an impossible situation as he's cramming his parenting into a smaller space than if he lived with you.
If they only stay with you a few times year try and keep a lid on it but relax a little then make plans for next time they're with you to make it cheaper- 2:1 tickets, 5p jar started now for arcade, cinema vouchers brought months ahead etc. so the week doesn't feel so £££
LilacInn he is still working at his employed work and doing the self employed work alongside for the time being, it's self employed but working for a company, so once he's finished training it's quite a well paying job that is fairly secure although if anything went wrong with the company he could find the same work elsewhere. Sorry to be vague I don't want to say what it is as it would out me.
As I said we aren't badly off we can afford our rent, bills, anything the kids need and some treats, we can afford another child it's his inability to budget when it comes to dsc being here that is causing the issues. If it came to it I could afford 2 children by myself so it's not that we live beyond our means it's that HE is overspending on trying to please dsc.
newshoes I did save to enable treats he had £350 to spend on just treats but he spent all of that last week and is still continuing to spend using money allocated elsewhere
I think you need to ask him how he is going to pay those two bills which there is now no money for? It might bring home the reality of the situation to him.
They are here for the whole summer
This is not a person who can cope with being self-employed. Even with a fairly steady income stream, you need to be disciplined about spending within your limits, esp as these are not immediately apparent. I started my limited company in Feb last year and haven't paid a tax bill yet (I'm waiting for it now, having done my first tax return). Which means all of my tax bill is current sat in my business account where I could spend it. Likewise VAT although at least that's paid once a quarter.
I see no possibility that he won't look at the bottom line on his bank statement and think that's all available money.
The question for him is how he's going to pay the bills now he's blown the budget. The fact it was on his step-children is irrelevant, he spent the money and now he needs to replace it.
StormTreader thank you that's my point I don't care that he's spent money on dsc it's that there is no money left to spend the fact it's been on dsc is irrelevant which is why I didn't know whether to post here or in money matters or in chat but I wasn't strong enough to cope with the inevitable evil step parenting comments so opted for here
I am aware he can not be trusted to budget which is why all self employed earnings are paid into my account and he gets a 'wage' from that
Now that would seriously piss me off. YOU have saved £350 by careful budgeting so that he had money to spend with his kids while they are here.
He has blown that in the first week??? And now he's spending joint money for bills on more lunches out.
I'd be tempted to cut up his bank card.
I have this issue with OH and it causes a lot of problems in our relationship.
I sort out all finances and bills. He wants to keep money separate - a choice I gave him. That's fine, but he doesn't feel he needs to be concerned if he has £10 in his bank given we have a mortgage to pay and unexpected expenditure. He literally lives day to day which I have never done.
I shop for our kids clothes in sales in tesco/Sainsburys/next etc. and I hardly spend anything on myself. His children get full price next/branded and full football kits/boots when they ask. He obviously pays maintenance for them too. A cinema outing is £70 as they have to have drinks/sweets/popcorn/ice cream and VIP seats. Our kids go to kids club for £2 and I take popcorn and drinks.
Money is tight, I'm on maternity and we've had to do very long overdue work on the house which I have saved and paid for. He owes me money but yet thinks it's ok to needlessly spend everything he has on his kids when I need it back. He's a typical 'Disney Dad' but it drives me mad! He's also said that he'll leave any inheritance he has to his other children, as apparently our children have got me to worry about their future
Our finances are kept separate
A savings account (his self employed earnings go into here)
Current account (my wages go into)
Current account that is used as our joint account for bills to be coming out of, we both transfer money in. He has a card for this account but I will be removing his access to it.
Our son's account is linked to my wages account.
Current account that he's wages go into
MumOfTwo it's frustrating isn't it
MyCatsabastard I'm fairness he saved too he isn't such a knob when dsc aren't here and although he can't budget he certainly isn't like this all the time, it's like all sense leaves as soon as he picks them up
I sympathise- you've taken measures to allow for this and guess you have your head screwed on when it comes to vouchers and bogof deals.
I doubt a strong talking to I'll work .
But Limit him to one account for the kids only .
NewShoes had he budgeted properly he could have done loads with them over the 6 weeks, I've got vouchers for days out and some money off vouchers for restaurants but now they won't be doing anything for the rest of the month.
I on the other hand have a separate budget for activities for ds so will probably be made out to be a complete cow when we go to the farm with friends or to soft play.
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