Is there a future in this?

(28 Posts)
chocolatemonster Sun 31-Jul-16 10:44:13

Been with dp for 4 years. We live together. He has 1 ds and I have 3 dc's.

His ds decided he didn't want to come to ours anymore or have any contact with us so dp sees him on his own. His mum said he hated all of us and shouldn't have to spend a minute with us. Personally I don't think he does hate us- I think it's a case of getting used to a blended family and different rules in different houses. My own dc's have struggled. It takes patience and work to overcome.

I think it's vital dp spends the majority of his time with his ds but I do think maybe dp should try and include him with us too even bringing him for dinner once a fortnight and building up. It's like the elephant in the room and never gets discussed. If I bring it up he won't discuss it. He says his ds should have the choice. Funnily enough he doesn't feel the same about my eldest dc having that same choice - he has really struggled and I am working hard to deal with that.

We have not seen his ds for 2 years - are we ever going to be able to have a future with this situation. I just find it so odd that dp won't even try to make little steps.

Cosmo111 Sun 31-Jul-16 11:58:47

How old is his DS? I suppose he can't help how he feels maybe he feels rejection because his DF is with someone and living with his partners children and he gets to see his dad on set days so wants to have one to one time without having to share him with DC who see him all the time.

I think your DP should continue to see him on a one to basis but give him the option to be part of the family inviting him to social events but still maintaining those one to one sessions.

TimeforaNNChange Sun 31-Jul-16 12:27:11

You're describing my life - OP

For a long time, I felt strongly that DH should try and include me in parts of his relationship with his DS - what kind of man keeps his DS away from his DW?

But, as time has gone on, it just doesn't matter any more. His DS is a stranger to me; he was a little boy the last time I saw him and he's a teenager, now.

I'll struggle if his DS ever decides he does want to be a part of DHs life with me - I'm not sure I'll be able to accept it without some form of counselling. I did, and still do, feel very hurt and rejected by DHs DS's actions, even though I understand the reasons why.

swingofthings Sun 31-Jul-16 16:22:07

Indeed, how old is he?
If I bring it up he won't discuss it
This makes me wonder whether his son has mentioned reasons that your OH doesn't want to share because he is worried it would hurt your feelings. Do you have any inkling as to why he supposedly hate you/your DC?

Your hands are clearly tied since your OH won't discuss it. It's a difficult one as without knowing the reasons for him not wanting anything to do with you/your children, it's impossible to know whether your OH is doing the best thing by just seeing his son on his own or not.

swingofthings Sun 31-Jul-16 16:23:04

by the way, where do they go/what do they do when they spend time together?

HawkingsMead Sun 31-Jul-16 16:39:38

I didn't meet my SM until she had been with my father for over 5 years (from the age of 8 to 13). I was very glad that my dad respected my wish not to meet her. It was hard enough at 13 and I'm glad I was given those 5 years. Now as an adult I know what a strain it must have out on him and how much he wanted to support me in the transition.

There was a future in it for them - they were together for 37 years in spite of me not meeting my SM for the first 5 years.

chocolatemonster Sun 31-Jul-16 20:21:24

He is 14.

I do think dp should spend the majority of his time with just them but I think it's weird there is zero attempt to have any contact with us. When he did see us we had some good times and some tricky ones with all the kids. As you would expect. His mum resented some of our rules like no technology at bedtime.

My eldest was about the same age he is now when we got together and has really struggled with it and would probably be quite happy if he never saw my dp again but as we live together that isn't possible. I have worked hard on this but clearly dp doesn't feel he has to do the same to integrate his ds.

They tend to go out and do a variety of things - tbh I have given up showing interest as it feels like in that respect we have separate lives.

I just don't see how it's sustainable. Even dc's mum thinks it's ridiculous to have zero contact.

Missgraeme Sun 31-Jul-16 20:27:03

Maybe u should look at it that u are excused from putting up with a stroppy teenager? And use the time to do something nice with your own kids and leave them to it!

Cosmo111 Sun 31-Jul-16 20:32:40

He's 14 and entitled to feel the way he does, he doesn't have to accept his fathers new family unfortunately. How did the break up happen with his DM and your DP?

I think this plays abig factor in his age when it happened and what caused it to happen. How was your DSS with your children? Is it merely an instant dislike for each other or a clash of personalities? It's unfortunate but sometimes kids don't necessary take it each other. It's different if they are brought up the same age.

I do think children do suffer a loss and can not feel not part of either family when their parents split especially if they met a new partner who has children whom their DF is in more regular contact.

I'm concerned that your own DC is so unhappy and doesn't like your DP. What are the issues here? I think this is a bigger issue here than your DSS as your DC is living with you and DP. It seems and this is no attack but more an observation that none of the DC are particularly happy in this step up but you two are.

Personally if my DS had not got on well with my DP I wouldn't of continued my relationship further, it was important that he came first. Has there been an event or incident which has caused the breakdown between yourself and your DSS and between your DP and your DC?

TimeforaNNChange Sun 31-Jul-16 21:12:45

I just don't see how it's sustainable

It may not be - what isn't working?

Presumably, your DHs DS is happy with the arrangement - he's not demanding that he spend time in your home without you, for instance?

What about your DH? Is he able to cope with the limitations on his relationship with his DS? My DH struggled for a while and had an excellent counsellor who helped a great deal.

The other DCs? Have they accepted the situation? Do they understand it?

And you? Will you be able to live with the feelings of rejection and exclusion from a part of your DHs life?

I don't include the DCs mum in that deliberately - the dynamics of your family are nothing to do with her.

Lunar1 Sun 31-Jul-16 22:03:09

Why is your ds so unhappy with his step dad?

I hated seeing my dad play happy families with my step sister and I had my brother. It may of been really hard for him as an only child to have to see his dad with your three.

What is it about the situation that you aren't happy with?

tiredandhungryalways Sun 31-Jul-16 22:15:03

He's being a good dad and putting his relationship with his son first which he should. His child shouldnt have to spend time with you or have any kind of relationship if he doesn't want to. Doesn't really impact your marriage unless you go on to have kids maybe. Why has your son struggled?

tiredandhungryalways Sun 31-Jul-16 22:17:14

And to repeat cosmo the kids don't seem pleased with this relationship, at least your eldest isn't, maybe focus on the kids for a little while and have a break?

tiredandhungryalways Sun 31-Jul-16 22:19:16

Finally is there maybe a little bit of resentment on your part that your eldest has to accept and deal with situation that he didn't like but his son gets to dictate terms?

Cosmo111 Sun 31-Jul-16 22:36:35

OP I do think we need more backstory to best advise you

- how the break up happened
- age of the DSS
-what has caused your own DC to dislike your DP so much.

Cosmo111 Sun 31-Jul-16 22:37:50

-age of the DSS when his parents broke up'

chocolatemonster Mon 01-Aug-16 08:38:50

I think that's probably my issue - my eldest has had to accept the situation yet his ds has had more freedom of choice.

We got together after he had been divorced for about 7/8 years. His ds was 2/3 when they parted (mums choice).

For the most part the kids got on - the odd little fall out but no different to siblings/friends.

To be fair my other 2 dc's get on really well with him. My oldest has a lot of issues that go way back before we met which has been challenging. It's a daily struggle - he is over 18 now. I do my best to support him, his MH issues have been tough on the other 2 as well. I don't think my eldest would be happy about anyone I was with rather than it being my dp in particular.

I just think that letting it go on for 2 years with no contact whatsoever means it gets harder to bridge that gap. Even if we all met for dinner once a month it keeps that door open. I do absolutely agree though it's vital their relationship comes first.

Maybe I am overthinking it.

Wdigin2this Mon 01-Aug-16 09:48:16

I think I'd want to know the reason why your DP's son hates you and your DC. I'd be really worried about that word hate and I'd need to get to the bottom of it!

Cosmo111 Mon 01-Aug-16 10:18:34

What about the relationship between Your Eldest and your DP DS could there been an incident that yours unaware of?

TimeforaNNChange Mon 01-Aug-16 11:17:38

wdigin in most of these cases, the DCs can't explain it. It's a complex mixture of feelings of disloyalty towards a parent, pain that their parents aren't together and (from what the OP has said) an awareness that one parent disapproves of something the DC enjoyed.

My DHs DS not only "hated" me, but was also "scared of me". I insisted that Soc Serv investigated as I was not willing to live with that hanging over me. He could never explain it, and I've not spent any time with him for nearly three years.

OP I think the only way you'll get past this is to accept that there will never be the relationships between family members that you envisaged. You say you think the longer it goes on, the longer it will take to bridge that gap. I think you may find peace with the situation when you accept that the gap may never be bridged - this may always be part of your life with your DP.

Thisisnotausername Mon 01-Aug-16 11:23:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TimeforaNNChange Mon 01-Aug-16 11:35:01

it doesn't really affect your life in any way.

Goodness, how brutal!

I holidayed with my DHs DS, mopped his tears, cooked with him, laughed with him, went blackberrying with him. And suddenly, he was gone. Not so much as a card at Christmas.

I can only assume that you have never had a child suddenly removed from your life. I hope you never do.

chocolatemonster Mon 01-Aug-16 11:41:53

That is pretty brutal but I was prepared to be told I was being unreasonable.

DP's mum thinks it is sad and that he is missing out on having different experiences even if it's just once in a while. It's not a natural flow for his relationship with dp either- he can't just pop in - they have to physically arrange stuff away from where dp lives.

I do think I just have to accept it might always be this way. I can't help feeling sad though that the most important person in DP's life is not in any way, shape or form part of ours. Maybe it's not my right to feel this way.

He didn't actually say he hated us - his mum did.

Thanks for all the advice.

Cosmo111 Mon 01-Aug-16 12:05:05

I suppose his mum will see and speak to your DP DS and see how it affects him. Your DP is still good to maintain a relationship with. Children can suffer badly when parents split up and moron the fact they never get both parents as a family unit. I do think you need to focus on the situation with your elderly maybe counselling as you said it would be anyone not necessary your DP he wouldn't like you with.

Mycatsabastard Mon 01-Aug-16 14:30:57

Very similar situation here too.

Dp has two dds. I have two dds as well. Mine live with us. His oldest is an adult (was 16 when we got together) and is fine, is in regular contact, great relationship with us all and she is happy living her life with her boyfriend.

His youngest is a whole different kettle of fish. She's 13, was 8 when we got together. Her parents had split when she was 5 (mums decision) and I honestly don't think she's ever accepted that her dad has someone new. Her mum had moved on before him, I'm not sure how well she gets on with her stepdad but from snippets I've heard from the oldest, she's pretty disrespectful to him at times. She hasn't stayed with us now since December. She came here for four days after Christmas and kicked off massively because dp wouldn't let her spend two of those days at a friends house, sleeping over. He had no problem with her going out with friends during the day but wanted to actually spend time with her while she was here as well. Before that it was September last year, she was here for a week and that ended badly with her accusing me of stealing loads of her stuff (iphone charger - I don't have an iphone, it would be no use to me, socks - 14 pairs!, keys for her house - again, no use to me and her jacket - which wouldn't fit me anyway). Her dad actually backed me up for once and I think that was the point that she started pulling away.

Dp has been the ultimate bloody Disney dad and I've told him til I'm blue in the face that it wouldn't end well. If he'd put his foot down from the start then it would more than likely be better now but he never said no. He never backed me up. And now he's done both and she's 13. She won't even talk to him on the phone.

He sees her sometimes at a club my dds are at but she won't initiate conversation. He's asked her why she won't come here anymore. She says it's because it's too stressful. DD2 has autism and can be hard work but I deal with her and the last visit in September I actually made sure DD2 was out a lot of the time, took her out with me for the day, teen was working and dp was left home with his dd and they had the option of going out if they wanted. He sat downstairs. She sat on her laptop upstairs on skype the entire bloody week.

I've reached the point where I know the only communication we will get is what she wants for Christmas and her birthday. She doesn't bother with fathers day or her dads birthday. Nothing. It hurts dp a lot. She blames me and my dc for her not coming here but it doesn't explain the bloody awful behaviour she's displayed in the last year towards her own dad.

At least your dp sees his child. Mine doesn't.

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