Talk

Advanced search

Does anyone else have a DH who turns into a complete arsehole when DSC come to stay?

(47 Posts)
Scoopmuckdizzy Tue 26-Jul-16 16:26:25

I've got 2 more weeks of his arseholery.

Please send cake.

Thanks.

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 26-Jul-16 16:48:26

Is he being an arsehole to you? What's he doing? That doesn't sound good at all. Assuming you've talked about the offending behaviours and how they make you feel, with no positive change, can you make plans to be away from him/them/the situation as much as possible?

Heavens2Betsy Tue 26-Jul-16 18:06:44

cakecakecake
Mine used to
He's got better lately but he still slips back into his old ways occasionally.
He used to completely ignore me from Friday night to Sunday night as he was so focused on the Dsc.
He remembered who I was at mealtimes though funnily enough!!! X

WhoGivesAFlying Tue 26-Jul-16 20:16:06

Yep, total Jekyll & Hyde.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Tue 26-Jul-16 22:58:42

Yes. It's awful. I don't understand why, if anyone can provide an explanation? Think I've got an idea to be fair.

Wdigin2this Tue 26-Jul-16 23:28:30

If you mean, he turns into a complete DisneyDad, and for all the notice he takes of you, you might as well be in China....yeah, I think a lot of people on this site will empathise!
My theory is simple, he feels guilty because he's not with his kids 24/7, he wants them to enjoy their time with him so he indulges them beyond belief, he's scared if he doesn't do this they won't want to come to him, and lastly....he doesn't want to show you attention in case they feel threatened/left out/jealous/unwanted.......I could be totally wrong of course! hmm

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Wed 27-Jul-16 08:29:43

I think that's pretty accurate!

Heavens2Betsy Wed 27-Jul-16 11:19:11

Spot on Wdig
Also a lot of men seem to compartmentalise their relationships and struggle to mix them. My DP does. So when he is in Dad mode he gets tunnel vision and his dc are all he thinks about. He finds it hard to switch his attention between us.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Wed 27-Jul-16 11:44:21

It becomes very difficult when other children are involved as our kids don't get anything like the treatment or gifts/treats his children do. Apparently it's ok though, as our kids have their Dad living with them hmm

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Wed 27-Jul-16 11:46:06

Oh and I forgot cake
I dread visits and contact for this reason. It causes so many problems for us and even though we have children together, I have wanted to leave him so many times sad

Scoopmuckdizzy Thu 28-Jul-16 15:31:38

Yes to the compartmentalising! He can't cope with everyone under the same roof. It would be so much less tense if he wasn't pacing around trying to make everything 'fair'.

As well as 2 teenage DSC we have a 4YO, 2YO and 3 week old. DH decided the best thing to do while the DSC are here would be for us all to go camping for a few days. I would really rather not, I'm not getting much sleep and the thought of not getting much sleep in a stuffy tent fills me with dread.

DSC have decided they're not into carrying on like the Brady bunch this year and have asked if they can just hang out with their friends instead and DH is sulking as it's not the summer he'd imagined.

HormonalHeap Thu 28-Jul-16 16:31:46

Wdigin is spot on- he wants his kids to know that they are no 1 for him. My dh, when with his children at any family gathering, will make sure they are the sole focus of conversation. I have often wondered how they cope in other social situations when dh isn't there to enable it.

wheresthel1ght Thu 28-Jul-16 17:12:23

Not so much these days but in the beginning yes a huge arsehole!

Have lots of cakecakecakecakecakeand winewine

Peach1886 Fri 29-Jul-16 09:56:15

Same here, I just arrange to go out/away a lot...

Fourormore Fri 29-Jul-16 10:00:54

Camping, with a three week old?!

My DH can get really tense. Not really surprising given his exW is constantly ready to jump on him for any tiny little mistake and regularly putting him down for things that are just differences in parenting. I've had to be quite firm with him. It helps that he's open to communicating and sees that I'm trying to help so he doesn't usually get defensive.

Peach1886 Fri 29-Jul-16 10:05:34

Should have added, when DS was a newborn I often used to "sleep when he slept", although usually I was just upstairs reading...not so easy with the older two as well though, could you arrange a couple of playdates for them and then "hide" with the little one ?

Wdigin2this Fri 29-Jul-16 11:32:09

Oh yes, the compartmentalising....but to be honest, I think most men do this in life generally!

Vegetablegarden Sat 30-Jul-16 22:36:22

Compartmentalising - that is so true! Many men in particular seem to have a lot of trouble in 'sophisticated' social situations. My OH definitely cannot seem to have an overall perspective. He just swings from one to the other.

Result - totally ignoring me with his kids. Even going out of the room when he is talking on the phone to them.

swingofthings Sun 31-Jul-16 07:56:10

DSC have decided they're not into carrying on like the Brady bunch this year and have asked if they can just hang out with their friends instead and DH is sulking as it's not the summer he'd imagined.
Your OH needs to accept that by making the choice to have three more kids (I assume he had a say in it), it was inevitably going to have an impact on his relationship with the eldest. It's hard enough to dedicate time to older children when you have much younger ones in a standard family, it is going to be near impossible when you only see these children 2 days out of 14.

Ideally, he would have discussed with you the possibility of taking his teenage children camping on his own for a few days, maybe arranging for family to help you during these days.

In the end, it shouldn't come as a surprise to your OH that his teenage kids would rather spend time with their friends than a kid, a toddler and a baby, probably their idea of hell!

Scarydinosaurs Sun 31-Jul-16 07:59:34

Teenagers don't usually WANT to spend all summer long with their parents! I spent all my summers as a teenager with my friends! It was brilliant! Part of being a parent to teens is facillitating their social life- because they're nearly adults! 3 week old and camping is all kinds of crazy. Any chance you can go home with the baby and get a bit of a break?

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Tue 02-Aug-16 13:37:35

How are you getting on? Please give me some hope for the future?!

Bahhhhhumbug Sun 07-Aug-16 01:06:50

Sorry to be voice of doom but my Ss in his late 20s and left home (lived with us full time) a few years ago praise the lord but still DH turns into a complete arsehole whenever he is in the equation. Ridiculously over protective of him and always gives him a fool's pardon however badly he behaves. Only thing we ever argue about in fact.

MrsFrankRicard Sun 07-Aug-16 08:53:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fouristhebestnumber Sun 07-Aug-16 09:47:09

Yes. I have 3 dsc aged between 3 and 8, and while i know that dh adores them, he always has this slight rabbit in the headlights thing about him, and hes more than happy to sit there playing computer games with Dss1 while I sort out dinners and baths and amuse the other 2.

mcweb Thu 25-Aug-16 14:53:44

My OH totally had this, not so much anymore now I think about it. We have recently bought a house so it seems to be more about us these days (which is lovely and refreshing) instead of being ridiculous and taking DSD out every weekend and spending loads of money on her which wasn't realistic at all. I totally nodded when I read this post!!! I would take myself away from the situation a lot in the end, work late on the days she was there and go out with my mum at the weekends. I would also tell him he was being a different person, not nice. Both of these things helped in the end because they would miss me and want me there so I would say, until his behaviour improved, I would continue to do my own thing and not be there at all times. of course I would have to be there sometimes but I would take myself off to my room to read or go and make food or whatever and not actually be with them constantly. Of course they are all petrified of the children going home and saying Daddy did this or Daddys GF did this or said this or whatever. My OH is completely paranoid when he takes DSD home I think as to what his EW will come up with next. Past few weeks, she has been a total b***h but before the, she could be quite pleasant. Think shes jealous of our lovely house. She has denied access today, first time in a long time...so sad for my OH sad.
My advice is to tell him how he is, how you feel about it and then remove yourself from 80% of days out/times the kids are there. They will all start to notice pretty quick.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now