Desperately need advice?(4 Posts)
Hi. I'm at as loss at what to do regarding my relationship - that's currently at breaking point - not due to my step kids behaviour directly but to my partners parenting. I'm 33 and have one child, from a previous relationship, he's 5. My partner came to live with us about 12 months ago. He has 5 kids - and yes, I did know this before we made the commitment of living together. Do I wish I'd never met him? Yes. He has 3 children from one woman, two boys 22 and 20 and a girl just 18. His others from another relationship are a girl 15, and boy 13. The younger ones don't cause any issues, they stay every Friday night & Sat, and we're close. We have a good relationship. It's the 18 year old, from the other mum that's causing the issues. Well, like I said it's not her really it's him. In short she's the worst behaved - and the favourite. She refuses to live with her mum, and her mum has more of less disowned her. She refused to live with us - as was unwilling to live by our rules. She has her dad by the balls - she can't go the dentist, a job interview or to the shop by herself - if that was the only issue I wouldn't be writing this. Long story short she's apparently going to Uni this sept - I say apparently because I don't think she has any intentions. She has a place at Newcastle - doing a course she had no interest in doing before they told her that the course she wanted was full - she hasn't secured any accommodation, given us a list of things she needs, or made any attempt to save any money she's earning, from a job I don't know how she still has. Her money is spent on weed and tattoo's, she currently has half a leg and half an arm sleeve done by a tattooist that is about as artistic as my chihuahua. They are awful. She smokes weed, sleeps around, and has a mouth like a fish wife. All of which she advertises on social media along with pictures of her almost naked. My partner expects us to fund her through 3 years at uni (she has been given minimum student finance she hasn't returned any of the assessment forms she should have) - and I've refused. She's making herself look like a cheap, common slag on social media and making my partner look an idiot. He hasn't even tried to talk her out of any of the god awful tattoo's she's had, speak to her about the weed or about letting the world know how many boys she's slept with - all of which have been short term relationships that have ended badly - usually with them retaliating against her Facebook outbursts by outing her as the town bike. She lives with her auntie at the moment - who acts more like a friend, funding vodka fuelled parties and having slanging matches with lads on her Facebook statuses. It's embarrassing to say the least. I've tried my best to speak to her but she isn't interested and my partner says "kids will be kids" - and thinks I'm out of order for the things I believe in. Am I the only one that thinks she needs a hard line - something along the lines of - rain it in - or no money from us. I'm at a loss - my partner refuses to speak to her - and if he does it's the super softly softly approach coz she's scared of upsetting her. I'm on the verge of packing his bags - I can't bare the though of working my ARSE to fund her weed/tattoo addiction for the next 3 years. I know how harsh I must sound but she's got nothing about her abart from a cracking pair of tits - which I have seen far too often all over social media. She doesn't have any clothes other than slutty dresses, she sleeps all day, smokes weed all night, jumps from one relationship to the next, when she visits she smells of BO, has greasy unkept hair, and she has the most miserable, moody, immature, she's lazy, she's a user - and I find myself resenting my partner for bringing her up this way and allowing it to carry on, effecting our relationship. How do I make him see that he needs to sort her out? That this uni talk is more than likely just a smoke screen? And that she needs to stop ruining her body, doing drugs & sleeping around? I dread to think where she will be this time next year. He just thinks I'm "slagging her off" - but I wasn't brought up like this. Neither was he.
It sounds like you are focusing on the wrong things and that is what is getting to your partner. You don't have to agree or like her tattoos, weed smoking or sexual life, but she is 18 and surely it is her life and her choice? You do seem to be indeed slagging her off.
Surely the decision to fund her Uni should be her dads, unless you have to contribute yourself, but even so, shouldn't what matter is whether she is likely to graduate and make good use of her degree rather than the above?
I understand you not liking her, I don't feel like liking her either from your description, but I can understand that her dad would not judge his love for his daughter based on these issues and that you can do nothing about. Clearly he still has faith that she will be going to Uni. Either she will prove you wrong in which case you might consider that your judgement is not 100% correct, or she'll prove your right and that will have much more weight in the way your OH feels than you telling him now that she is a failure before even trying. Personally, I would just leave him to it.
I totally see your point, I wish that I didn't have to work to fund her - but unfortunately I do. We had to cancel a weekend activity with this other too recently coz she told him she needed £200 for accommodation. 6 weeks later - no accommodation but 3 more tattoos. She isn't a nice kid. But more so he isn't a good parent, and he's ruining her. Which is frustrating. I hate how she manipulates and lies and I hate how he believes it. I hate going without to fund her social life.
She's a product of her making, her father and mother I suspect have some fault in this she sounds deeply troubled under the surface of it all. Her mother wants nothing to do with her, her DF left her mother and sibling and had another family left them now he's with another woman it could be that she's feel abandoned and she's reaching out to whoever will give her support. You made some very harsh comments.
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