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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

help needed

36 replies

user1468438274 · 13/07/2016 20:50

Hi,
Im a pregnant mother with a 3 year old and a 24 year old step daughter.
Im due to have my 2nd child in November and want the bigger room, (currently occupied by the step daughter) for my younger daughter so I can get the nursery room ready (currently occupied by my younger daughter) which means my step daughter having to move out soon, (something me and my husband have been asking her to do for the past 2years)
I am becoming more and more annoyed at this pattern that my husband and his daughter have got into, we find a flat for her, pass on the details to her then she does nothing, then I ask my husband to talk to her about it but never does(2 years of this!) We have even stopped charging her rent to help her save up , (even though she has 2 jobs!) but she continues to live in a bubble and spends money on clothes and shoes and doesn't even discuss moving out.
Im getting more annoyed and stressed at her and at my husband as I feel like she will never move out!
thank you for reading my post, will be very appreciative of any advice.

OP posts:

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TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 13/07/2016 20:52

Tell her she'll be sharing a room with a 3 year old, and that not only will she be paying rent for the privilege she'll have to have the same bed time so as not to disturb your 3 year old.

That would've sent me packing at 24.

Wdigin2this · 13/07/2016 23:09

Well, at 24 she should be looking for her own place....but, I can imagine how her father feels, she's still his daughter!
However, if she wants to stay with you, tell her quite firmly that the room she's in, will now become the 3yo's and will be decorated and furnished accordingly. Tell her that a) she'll have a single bed in that room and will have to share with the 3yo....with all that entails, going to bed quietly, not having lights or phones/tablets on etc! Also tell her b) you now have to stretch the household budget, so from here on in, she has to pay you a reasonable sum each month for rent! Don't budge on this, and don't even think of giving her the smaller room, which is to be the nursery!
I know this will be hard to sell to your husband, and I can understand his reluctance, because he doesn't want her to feel pushed out........but if that's how you want to play it, you're both going to have to be firm!

MeridianB · 14/07/2016 10:14

How committed is your husband to her moving out, really? It doesn't sound as if he is really behind this.

Can she move in with her mum?

SparkleSoiree · 14/07/2016 10:16

I'm with the converting room to 3yr old tastes and upping the rent for SD. My son is 24 and I or his stepdad couldn't imagine still living with him - would drive us bonkers!

VimFuego101 · 14/07/2016 10:19

I would go back to charging her rent at market rate. I imagine she won't want to share with a 3yo. How much does she earn a month - can she definitely afford to move out?

user1468438274 · 14/07/2016 10:29

She earns more than enough to move out,(we live in a rural area where the rent is a lot cheaper than a city) her younger brother has managed it, think she's scared but she would only be moving about 10min drive away, I do believe that her moving out is the best thing for her as she is not developing into an adult she is constantly stuck in her teenage daughter routine with her dad. She also plays the pitty card a lot with her dad, even though she has it so easy living with us.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/07/2016 13:40

Congrats on your pregnancy!

It all sounds a bit tricky, and you'll struggle to make any changes without your DH completely onside. My DSC are only little but I was certainly living on my own and independent by 24 so I can't really imagine having an employed child living under our roof not even paying rent...

When you say you want the room for your 3 year old, which makes complete sense, what has your DH said about the changes that need to be made to accommodate everyone when your baby arrives?

You and he need to be on the same page about what's going to happen, and then he needs to be one to tell her. Have you had these conversations yet?

Findingpeace · 14/07/2016 20:28

What is it with dad's and daughter's? It's like they live in fear of upsetting them.
I think you need to have a conversation with your DH about pushing her as clearly she won't make the decision on her own. Although I like the idea of her sharing a room with your 3 year old!

howtodowills · 17/07/2016 00:38

Personally I think kicking one of your kids out to make way for a new one is bloody harsh.

Why can't you put your two little ones in the big room and give her the small room. Agree with making her pay some rent but actually telling her she can't live with you because there's not space seems awful to me. I do understand she's 24 but wouldn't you rather she saves up to buy somewhere?

Cosmo111 · 18/07/2016 15:41

I agree with pp how can you not factor your DSD when planning your family? I question would you have the same attitude if she was your biological daughter? Many young adults actually struggle to obtain housing and fully equip it with the necessary furniture, pay rent and bills on their own. I know many friends whom waited till they were much older in established careers and in relationships before they moved out.

user1468438274 · 18/07/2016 16:12

My daughter would have exactly the same treatment, and I hope she has the maturity and courage to move out at 18 and live her own life, as I did.

OP posts:

Lunar1 · 18/07/2016 16:33

It's so hard for young adults now, the cost of living is just so high. I did leave at 18 due to uni, but my brother stayed till about 26. He was working but it was a long time till he could afford to be independent. Thank goodness my stepdad didn't throw him out!

I really feel sorry for people in this situation, where their parent is happy for them to stay in the family home but a step parent wants them out, especially when it's to make space for much younger half siblings, it's like they are being replaced.

NickiFury · 18/07/2016 16:42

Times have changed and most 18 year olds not not have the resources to be turfed out on their ear and make it at age 18 these days. Don't they have to be in full time education till then?

"What is about Dads and daughters?"

Aaahh yes that pesky love thing that a parent has for their child, really pain in the arse isn't it?

CannotEvenDeal · 18/07/2016 18:11

Nicki yes it's highly irritating isn't it. This thread makes me quite sad tbh. I want, I am becoming, I'm getting etc etc etc. Ok she's an adult but anyone getting involved (let alone pregnant twice) with a man with children should realise that it won't always be about you, you, you.

I hope she has the maturity and courage to move out at 18 and live her own life, as I did.

Bully for you! Let's also hope that she meets a man with kids and then has her own in a bid to get the eldest kids from his ex out of the way. Then she'd be just as wonderful as you, fantastic attitude you have

Cosmo111 · 18/07/2016 18:37

I don't believe you would turf your DD when she's old enough to make room for another sibling. Your attitude about her is pretty bad. I moved at 18 went to uni got my own place with my ex at 21 he walked out on me and my parents had us back at home aged 23 I was unable to afford to move back out on my own but when I met my DH later down the line we moved in together. Thank god for my parents kindness. Awful when step parents totally disregard their DP first family in favour of their own. They should be treated equally.

Cosmo111 · 18/07/2016 18:39

So OP are you to serve eviction notice to your eldest out after her 18 birthday?

user1468438274 · 18/07/2016 19:33

I though this was a place which offered help and advice to step parents not attack them. Being a Step parent is very hard and challenging and I wanted some advice, which a few of you at the beginning have give and I thank you for that, but to the rest of you, thanks for kicking a woman when she's down.

OP posts:

Cosmo111 · 18/07/2016 19:48

At the end of the day not everyone is going to agree with you this is what happens when you go on a public forum. My DH is a step dad to my DS he wouldn't dream of showing him the door at that age. All our DC would always be welcome home no matter happens in life our home will always be there's . They don't just stop being your child when they turn 18. It's clear you hold your DSD in the same regard as you do your own DD.

Cosmo111 · 18/07/2016 19:50

Don't

ladylambkin · 18/07/2016 19:56

Why can't the 2 little ones share a room?

I agree that you should have thought of lack of space when you were planning to have another baby

NickiFury · 18/07/2016 20:31

Oh for crying out loud you are not being attacked, people are disagreeing with you. Give yourself a shake and ask yourself if you are perhaps being a bit unfair. That is what most sensible people would do if people disagreed with their point of view.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 18/07/2016 20:35

Sorry, but I agree. It's not on to kick someone out because you've decided to have another baby. A baby doesn't need its own room.

My kids can live with me as long as they want to. I'm their parent. If they don't have a home with me then where do they have one?

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Cosmo111 · 18/07/2016 20:44

I think the fact that OP reply was so defensive suggests an element of guilt there. Unfortunately this can happen to children when there parent remarries a new partner and starts a second family it shouldn't but its not unheard of. I suspect the DSD will be aware shes not wanted.

Lunar1 · 18/07/2016 21:15

It's not about kicking you when your down. Not everyone has to agree with you. My children will have a place in my home until the day I die if they need it. Dh feels the same. The thought that I'd force them out makes me feel physically sick.life is so different now from when I was 18, I want my children to have the chances I did, but they will need a lot more help and support to achieve it.

howtodowills · 19/07/2016 16:04

OP- I can see how some of the posts made you feel a bit attacked. I'm a "stepmum" and have felt a bit like that sometimes when I have posted.

I also moved out @ 18 and never lived at home again but I'm expecting my bio DCs won't be able to do that - nor my "steps" as life is different now.

I think you're fine to ask for rent and expect her to contribute to household life (cooking/ cleaning up etc) as she is an adult in the house but I don't know why your two little ones couldn't have the big room. Is that an option?

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