Should there be boundaries when it comes to ex coming to house?

[Rosewine72]

This is hard because you've of course got to consider the dcs. Me and my dp have been living together with our 4 children (2 are mine 2 are his), we've been together though for 4 years. We've had nothing but problems with his ex since living together abuse, lies, not sticking to child arrangements tbh I wouldn't anything past her to try and split us up, she's tried but not succeeded yet.

The thing that is annoying me is they have a 50/50 childcare arrangement, so it means she tars the to school at least 2 times a week if not 3, you can guarantee every morning we have a phonecall, dd needs some shoes can she pop around, dd needs a drink a water can she pop round, dd doesn't want to go to school can I drop her off see if u can persuade her I've got to get to work. And so many other reasons! She then comes round parks right outside the house, I then leave to take my dd to school , I might get abuse from her or just a glare , the dds feel uncomfortable so they are acting funny but it's almost like she does it deliberately like she knows it's annoying. We both feel she shouldn't be doing this , it is after all our house. Of course the dcs are welcome round and if it was maybe an important book or something they forgot on the odd occasion you would understand it but I just feel there should be boundaries particularly as the relationship with her is not good atm.

The problem is she does this on loud speaker so it's very hard to say no to coming around as obviously u don't want the dcs to feel unwelcome. Dp has told her to be more organised and not to come around all the time but she doesn't listen.

What would you do ?

[Rosewine72]

Meant to say been living together for a year, even though been together for 4 years !

[VimFuego101]

She needs to parent her children in her time. None of the reasons you listed above (apart from maybe the shoes, but you could leave those outside the door in a bag) seem like good reasons for her to pop by, especially if she is abusive to you or rude in any way. Your DH needs to start being firm.

[Rosewine72]

I agree but how do we get round it with the children , if he says they can't come round she will just turn it round to them and say that's not nice is it they don't want u there , the dcs don't understand why they can't just pop round ?

[Rosewine72]

Once they came round cos they had no breakfast 😳

[OutToGetYou]

Stop answering the phone.

[Rosewine72]

We tried that they came round anyway

[VimFuego101]

Then it's time to be 'out' at the times you know she'll call. You need to knock this on the head before the kids are old enough to have keys to your house.

[Rosewine72]

Ohhh we've already had the key question but we just can't , last time she got In the house , we discovered 'fuck u ' notes in my dds bedroom 😳😤

[ChicRock]

How old are the children?

I think to sort this out you need to be prepared to be inconvenienced for a couple of weeks, but I honestly think if you can spend a week or two being out of the house really early - take the kids to Costa on the way to school or call at the park or something - so that when you get the phonecall you can say "nope sorry, can't help, there's nobody home" and if she calls over to the house she finds that's the case - it'll hopefully knock it on the head. Or she gets to yours and you're not there.

It's all about the feeling of control and the reaction from you by the sounds of it. Take that away and she'll hopefully grow bored and grow up.

[Rosewine72]

His children are 12 and 10 and mine are 13 and 10

[Rosewine72]

We could certainly try that ChicRock , certainly worth a try

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

That is why I hate loose 50/50 arrangements, it is too much like continuing with the marriage, and also too much like full-time with step kids as they could turn up at any time but without any of the setting up of norms and structure that would come if the kids really were living full-time.

My DP goes around his Exes house every single morning to pick up the kids for school. She likes that he does and refuses to take her kids herself. We had then every weekend but she was constantly on the phone, the house phone so we would all have to answer it, despite the kids having mobile phones. Hated it all. I finally got an agreed calendar set up to reduce all the tooing and frying, endless messages etc, but the kids were still sent here by their mother, often on a pretext of 'them having forgotten something'. I would suggest an alternative to your DP, something workable and fair, a schedule, an agreed set of rules, practical ways of minimizing this. If she is glaring at you then it really isn't on to be outside your house.

[MeridianB]

That sounds horrendous. Poor you.

Does she just drop DD off on these 'pop rounds' or is ex coming into your house each time? Could the arrangement be changed so it's alternate weeks?

10-12 is old enough for DP to say to his children that he is not going to be around on mornings when they are with their mum but it doesn't mean he doesn't miss them or doesn't want to see them (I'm sure he could word it better than this).

Hard to think of another solution other than not answering phone and being out for a while (or not answering the door), although it will be an inconvenience.

Has he challenged her about the abuse? If it bothers you (or is in front of any children) then I think he should.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

I'd try just being overly nice with her, make a big fuss of the kids & be overly 'together' with DH (nothing too overt, but you know hold hands, arm around each other). Just let her see you are not in the slightest bit bothered. She'll get bored if she's not getting a rise out of you.

Clearly the move from 'girlfriend' to 'live in partner' is pissing her off/upsetting her. She'll work through it.

If it doesn't sort itself out doing that for a little while I'll be around with my shovel!

[Rosewine72]

I'm liking these suggestions thank you. There was an occasion dp went to work early I was out doing school run, they were banging on the door and ringing dp, he said sorry I'm at work early no one is in, she said but we needed such and such ffs and slammed the phone down 🙄. Dp and I just discussed it on our dog walk we will try and time being out at that time and luckily there is only 3 weeks left of school anyway !

[Rosewine72]

Oh and extrahotlatte we could do that yeh, I'm all for trying it if we get caught in, the only thing is last time we did something like that we started getting even more trouble she even said to someone who eventually told us, I'm going to split them up you'll see, I'm not letting him be happy he doesn't deserve it!! You can't win with people like that !

[swingofthings]

I would take extra time with the kids to ensure they have everything they need before they go to their mum. Say to them that this would mean that it saves their mum and them having to make a detour to the house before school. I bet their mum makes it that it is their fault that she has to stop by so I'm sure they will be up for anything that will mean avoiding it.

Does the 12yo have a mobile phone? If so, could they text to say they have forgotten something and surely, they can come in the house to get it in the rare occasion that something has been missed out?

[Rosewine72]

Yes we do need to speak to the dcs, the eldest does have a mobile phone and she does ring or text in the morning sometimes instead of her mum but it's not a rare occasion. Of course if it was something important she can but there's always something and I'm sure the mum encourages it! We manage though when we have them we never have to go around there we've never done it, if they've desperately needed something from their mums she has dropped it off at the school but I can only think of one occasion that's happened. They've just waited till they go there but we never suggest or encourage this nor do we particularly want to do this.

[Rosewine72]

And sometimes it's for things like a drink or a snack for school cos their mum hadn't got anything they like or once because they didn't have breakfast???🤔

[MeridianB]

"And sometimes it's for things like a drink or a snack for school cos their mum hadn't got anything they like or once because they didn't have breakfast???"

It's almost as if the ex is trying to maintain a 'marriage' with your DP by doing this.

[Rosewine72]

I know, I don't get it 🙄...well other than she's trying to annoy us

[Rosewine72]

Will let u know what happens Thursday morning as that's when she next has them

[swingofthings]

And sometimes it's for things like a drink or a snack for school cos their mum hadn't got anything they like or once because they didn't have breakfast???🤔
Frankly, these are examples where you need to say 'tough' whether it comes from mum or the kids. They are old enough to know better.

As a working mum, my kids had long learnt at that age that if they had forgotten something like this (or even their swimming costumes when they were 8 or 9), that was too bad. They quickly learnt and by the time they were 9 or 10, they were perfectly able to pack for a week-end on their own.

They've gone to school without breakfast too when they messed about and it was too late before we had to go (so I wasn't late for school) and they survived (and again learnt quickly that they better be prepared!)

[Rosewine72]

Yeh you know I do agree, mine forget things sometimes , if I'm at work it's tough ! I guess cos they've been allowed to do it they think it's ok. Dp is just scared of loosing them or having them turned against him.

It was starting to happen after school too but I'm now just out at this point.

[Rosewine72]

But then also their mum should be saying that to them too. If we're saying one thing and she's saying another it's so difficult