Needing some help/advice!

[lhh00002106]

Hello! I'm a 24 year old who's been with her partner for 2 years. We've lived together for 1 of those years. My partner has a daughter who is 6 who lives with us half the week.

A bit of background: his family took a long time to be relatively "nice" to me and accept me as I wasn't his child's mum. I get on quiet well with mum but she can cause problems at times. I also get in relatively well with his daughter but I find it so difficult at time.

I was quite care free before I met my partner, I did as I pleased and lived on my own so moving in with him and his daughter was a massive change in my life! It was hard at first and then things got really good, but recently she's becoming quite defiant. I am a teacher so feel I know how to discipline kids but I'm at a total loss here. I don't know what my role is?

Does anyone else feel total resentment for their partners child which leads to resentment for them? I hate feeling this way and I want this living arrangement to work but I'm struggling. Does anyone have any tips on getting through when you feel the partners child is making things very difficult? Thanks!

[Lunar1]

You think a six year old is the cause of the problems?

[JessicaRabbit3]

How would you discipline your class? Maybe a reward chart in place. Your DP family is a disgrace they should of been nice to you when you met them.m you should of addresses this with your DP. Could it be that she's adopted the attitude from your DP family ?

[swingofthings]

She's becoming defiant and that's enough for her to not resent her, but her father? What will happen when she goes through the 'rude' phase, the 'disobedient' phase, the 'don't tell me what to do' phase, and the rest?

Very few kids are perfect, you should know this as a teacher. Parents are responsible for managing each stage and your role is either to stay out of it or to support your partner, with your partner's role to respect how the situation is impacting on you.

One year seeing each other is not very long before making the decision to move in together when there is a child there half of the time, so it was always going to be a bit difficult anyway.

[lhh00002106]

Swingofthings: while I do know full well that no kid is perfect (teaching has shown me that!) I think it's difficult to make a comparison. Living with a child is of course very different. What I am struggling with most is the constant tears when she does not get her own way. And while I am here to support my partners parenting, the crying and the demanding is starting to impact our relationship when I don't have a clear role in terms of discipline or...parenting I guess.

While I don't want or need to fill that role (she has two very able parents) when she's under my roof I feel I need a degree of authority. Am I expecting too much? Any advice is MORE than welcome 😕

[swingofthings]

What you are describing is I believe the worse part of being a step-parent, the fact that you have your hands tight and can't do as you would if it was your own child. I can imagine that it is indeed very hard, but unfortunately, that's how it is.

What is it that gets to you, the actual behaviour on a day to day basis, or your concerns that she will grow to be a brat (or whatever else). If it is the first, then you'll have to learn to ignore, after all, you can turn it around and remind yourself that BECAUSE you are not the parent, you can run away from the behaviour. If it is concern about her future, then as I've written on the other thread, you either need to trust your partner, or leave the relationship.

My kids are now teenagers and sometimes I think back at their friends when they were toddlers and how they have turned out to be as teenagers, and however confident I was then when I considered who would do well and who would be trouble, I can say that I got it quite wrong. One boy in particular was an absolute nightmare, so bad that nursery said he couldn't stay. Start of primary school was challenging and yes, I did think then that my friend wasn't handling the situation well but never said anything because she was my friend. I'm so glad I didn't because he is now a wonderful 16 yo. He is still full on, very intense and passionate, but he is respectful, friendly and is expected to have done well in his GCSEs. He is working for the summer and had no problem getting a job (my DD didn't manage it), which is going very well for him. His mum is extremely proud and so should she be.

[lhh00002106]

Swingofthings: thanks for that. I think it is the decline in her behaviour recently and not really knowing what I can, or am allowed, to do. I think you're right in that it's something I can step a str back from. I don't need to be at the forefront and as you said, I suppose that's the plus side of being a step parent! Thanks for your advice 😊

[eyebrowsonfleek]

You've mentioned more than once that you don't know what your role is so I think you should talk to your partner and see if you both agree.

As a third party it's hard to say what your role should be as it depends on many factors like whether or not you look after her on your own.

I think that you're very wrong to resent the child. The child's defiance could be a result of the parenting that she receives from your parents, a normal developmental phase or a reaction to the fact that she wishes that her parents lived together. My experience of divorce is that the younger the child, the later the reaction may come (this is based on the tiny sample of my kids). My oldest in secondary school was immediately devastated but my 2 primary aged children were sad months/years later.

[Rosewine72]

Aw op well u can't help the way u feel, it is so hard when they are not your child. I've found I have to step back from the parenting and sometimes my step children do things I don't like that I wouldn't like mine to do but my dp shoves his shoulders but then sometimes he's like that about mine and I think what's the problem . I don't however let his children or mine be rude or disrespectful to me in my house! I am harder on my own though and sometimes I feel resentment but I'm still here trying to just live a normal life.

I just wanted to emphasise with you but I have no real advice u have to do what's right for you as a family but I will say u are bound to have teething problems and it will take time but u do need to be able to communicate with your dp for it to work,ask him how to handle her?

[lhh00002106]

Thanks rosewine! It's helpful and comforting just knowing others know what it's like! 😊