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Should I pursue it or drop it?

(8 Posts)
Findingpeace Fri 24-Jun-16 19:09:07

Short history - dsd is 18 and has been living with DH and I since she was 12. I love her but am really really struggling with her irresponsible behaviour. She dropped out of college twice because she couldn't be bothered to study. She has been going from job to job and quits just before they fire her. She fights very hard not to work full time as she says it's just too hard for her. It's a struggle to get her to do anything to help out around the house.

She has received a number of default letters from a monthly contract she took out and doesn't bother to pay, it's just a matter of time till the bailiffs show up at our door. We payed her monthly bill a month ago to try to jump start a more mature attitude to paying her bills but she defaulted again and we have refused to pay again.

She'd agreed to pay us back £30 a fortnight when she gets paid, along with £25 a week in rent. She calls in sick all the time to work and last week went to the dr to get signed off for a week because of her back. There is nothing wrong with her back and that night she was out with friends till all hours of the night and every night since she was signed off. Anyway, today was pay day and she should have got paid for 2 days but she is saying she didn't get paid anything and so can't pay us.

I feel really angry about this and told my DH I know she is lying. He started ranting that he knows and it's always a battle with her and he's so tired of it. This is him deflecting because he knows I'm mad, he knows I want him to call her on her lie and if it were up to him he would let her do what ever she wants.

Part of me says just leave them to it, it's his problem she is growing up to be irresponsible. The other part of me loves her and wants to help her learn responsibility as she can not go through life like this. I want to suggest DH asks her for a copy of her bank statement rather then accept her lie that she wasn't paid. What do you think?

OutToGetYou Fri 24-Jun-16 21:50:00

Hard for you - I really fear this with dss (currently 15). I don't think I'd ask for bank statements, she's 18, an adult, entitled to privacy. But she should pay her way. You need to find a better way to sanction her.

Findingpeace Sat 25-Jun-16 10:28:54

Thanks Out, DH and I talked about it this morning and have decided to talk to let her know we believe she lying, we are disappointed we had to ask about it rather then her come to us to try to find a compromise and we will be expecting her to still pay her debt to us and we will be holding her at her word, which means she will have to pay double next pay cheque. This will mean she will need to take as many shifts as she can this week.

It really worries me how much she tries to avoid working. She likes money and buying new clothes and going clubbing with her friends but seems to dislike working more, which means she calls in sick a lo. Originally she told her manager she only wanted 2 days a week but her DF told her she needs to work full time as she can't afford her bills and lifestyle. That was a month ago and since then due to 'sickness' she's worked about 8 days in 4 weeks. I suspect she's close to being fired from this job.

How can we support her to become more responsible? We have the conversations with her about responsibility, budgeting etc but she ignores this. We no longer pay for anything other then food and shelter. She just borrows money from friends and took out a credit card which she has maxed and has received default letters because she's not paying the minimum payment. We're at our whits end and I'm starting to feel angry with her which of course effects our relationship.

HormonalHeap Sat 25-Jun-16 19:40:59

Not much comfort but we have this with my dd also 18. The problem is none of her friends have part time jobs so she thinks that's normal (just finished exams). Also no chores and totally irresponsible, only thing important to her is her social life.

The only hope I have is looking at her friends who are exactly the same, and thinking surely they won't all turn out incapable? We're happy to pay for her whilst she's at uni but when she starts working after that, apart from helping her on property ladder, I really think for her own benefit we'll have to cut the pursestrings. Like you I get so frustrated. I cannot imagine how I would feel if she wasn't even my daughter.

OutToGetYou Sat 25-Jun-16 22:57:36

Dss tonight didn't come out to eat with us, when we got in I told him he'd have to get himself something to eat. He said if it meant making it himself he'd go without.
Dp made him beans on toast. Dss has done sod all today. This isn't a good omen, is it?

Findingpeace Sun 26-Jun-16 10:59:12

hormonal it's awful feeling you'll have to resort to 'tough love' to get them to grow up, isn't it. I think I'd be less worried about her if she was in college or Uni.

My DH and I honestly don't know what to do about her. I've never witnessed such blatant and utter laziness. I remember being lazy as a teenager. In my previous job I worked with teenagers so I know all about teenage laziness. This is extreme laziness. She's not depressed, she goes out with her friends and likes to have a good time. I'm just worried she is not going to learn responsibility while living under the cushion of home.

For instance, my DH and I paid for her driving lesson because she really wanted to drive and I remember the feeling of freedom when I learned to drive. We also told her we'd give her £700 towards a car and she could save and add to it. The driving instructor told her she was ready for her test and all she had to do was study for her theory. That was 8 months ago. Despite prompting she has done no studying and doesn't have her licence. And this was something she really wanted!

Although I'm worried about her I don't know how much longer I can stand living with a 18 year old who refuses to really work (on average she works 2 days a week and sometimes not at all), gets pissy when asked to help out around the house and just generally has a bad attitude.

Wdigin2this Sun 26-Jun-16 12:08:38

Finding you know, your DH Knows, and we all know...her behaviour will not change until the rug is pulled out from under her!
If she is defaulting on her CC payments, she will get into serious trouble which may give her a hell of a fright, but it'll probably take something like that to wake her up to reality!
If she is summonsed, and made to pay the money back, your DH will want to pay it for her....don't let him do it!

Bananasinpyjamas1 Sun 26-Jun-16 21:40:54

The are different levels of irresponsibility, and defaulting on credit card payments is serious and directly impacts on you and DH - that payment is non negotiable surely?

However, like wdigin it sounds like you have both done an awful lot for her, and she may now need to 'fail' and actually feel the consequences for herself before she is able to change at all.

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