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a little concerned...

(14 Posts)
xhappyfeet Tue 21-Jun-16 00:11:53

Well I'm not sure where to start, I have been with my fiancé for 2 years. I have an almost 4 year old, we have a baby together, and he has an almost 3 year old.
- I received a Facebook message from my partners ex's current partner saying how we have to take custody of the child as her mom is a physco who needs sectioning and that she is 'no mother' at the time I thought maybe they had just argued and he is trying to hurt her but there must be some truth in it surely someone wouldn't just come up with something like that
- my partners daughter stayed over for the first time, I expected her to be unsettled but near enough the whole time she cried for her nan (and not her mother) makes me wonder how much she actually does for her child
- she is almost 3 and says single words (yes, no, juice, nan, house) and apparently they have been potty training since December but she is still in nappies and looks at me like crazy if I asks if she needs to use the potty. I do know children learn at their own pace but is this anything to be concerned about?

I'm not trying to interfere my partner has the same concerns as me. I'm just looking for some advice really

MrsSpecter Tue 21-Jun-16 00:15:04

She is 2 so the toilet training is pretty early IMO, i wouldng be concerned that she has no interest in it. The rest i definitely would be worried. What does her dad think?

xhappyfeet Tue 21-Jun-16 00:23:06

Maybe I was just lucky that my daughter picked up on it straight away, I do try not to compare because I know that every child is different.
He is quite worried, more worried because he is unsure what to do about it. He spoke to the social services about the messages I received and all that they advised was to go for full custody. But realistically it is only an allegation and not evidence and it's a lot of money to go through the court (again) to lose. Also being granted access in the beginning was very messy as she accused him of being abusive.
He knows that she is on medication, she has self harmed in the past (also when pregnant) he is concerned that maybe she has stopped taking her medication and if her current relationship is rocky who knows what she may do...

Somerville Tue 21-Jun-16 00:36:49

The hearsay messages sound like an abusive or shit stirring aggrieved man. If the child's mother does have mental health problems then that would be totally the wrong way to go about getting her help. And, millions of people have mental health issues and don't lose custody of their children! It's rather offensive to suggest that her stopping her meds and a break up might result in... Whatever you mean by the ellipses...

Lost of people are on meds or have previously self harmed and are great parents. Lots stop their meds because they no longer need them or want to try without them. And lots of people end a relationship and don't fall apart, you know.

Being a lone parent with almost all the care (since you only had her overnight recently) is tough so she might need good support, which it sounds like there is from the nan. That's good.

It is perfectly normal for a child to cry when staying over somewhere new for the first time. And crying for nan rather than mum really isn't a concern. Also normal not to have understood potty training and only be using single words aged two. confused

KittyLaRoux Tue 21-Jun-16 06:35:17

As dad talked to his ex?

That to me would seem the logical place to start not ss confused

From what you have said there doesnt appear to be obvious signs if neglect. Having mh issues doesnt automatically make somebody a bad parent.

You have no idea what is really going on so you cannot jump to conclusions. Mum maybe struggling with an abusive partner she may need support what she doesnt need is to be accused of child neglect hmm

swingofthings Tue 21-Jun-16 07:56:14

So has you/he been in contact with her/her partner to discuss the situation? Surely that's the first step to take to determine how bad the situation is and then discussed what would be best for the child in the short/medium term?

Fourormore Tue 21-Jun-16 23:21:41

Fairly sure the mother has also posted about this on mumsnet recently.

Cabrinha Sat 02-Jul-16 07:21:55

So your boyfriend split up with his ex when his child was about a year old, and has only just sorted out overnight contact?
Personally I wouldn't have rushed into having a other baby with you until he'd sorted out contact with his first child. Perhaps then he'd have had the money to go to court again? confused

DoloresVanCartier Sat 02-Jul-16 07:28:24

Cantina we don't know the ins and outs of the split or the overnight contact. It looks on the surface to me that they have been to court already for access and that's not the issue it? It's concern for the child.

You need more information from this man as to what he means. If the LO is crying for ban it suggest she spends a lot of time there. Is speaking to the nan a possibility. It's a big jump from emails you don't know the voracity of to going for full custody.

You need more information before acting and perhaps inviting more heartache to all involved

DoloresVanCartier Sat 02-Jul-16 07:29:09

That was of course supposed to say cahbrina

DoloresVanCartier Sat 02-Jul-16 07:29:30

Oh bugger it!! Bloody spell check!!

Cabrinha Sat 02-Jul-16 08:02:03

I quite like "Cantina" will save it for a name change grin

I also thought it sounded like there has been a previous court situation. Well - good - then they know the process and can't self represent if they haven't got the money for legal representation.

I still think it's a bad idea to have a baby with a man who hasn't finished sorting out access with his previous baby.

DoloresVanCartier Sat 02-Jul-16 10:55:03

Ha ha!! I know what you are saying but sometimes it's more complicated than it presents.

lookluv Sun 03-Jul-16 14:02:30

He has a 2-3yrold and you have been engaged for 2 yrs.

He knew she had mental health issues and left his baby with the mother to live with you . He is worried - so he should be - but then he probably should have been 2.5 yrs ago OP

You are not judging but your 3 yr old - is so much better. -OMG!

The child stayed over with you for the first time in over 2 yrs and she is less than 3yrs old, of course she cried.

Please, there is so much you are not telling in this post. You got together with a young babe yourself and he left his allegedly mentally unstable partner when the kid was less than 6 months old. If she is spending time with her Nan - so what, none of your business, at least she is being cared for. Sorry neither of you sound like you ahd the best interests of this child at the fore front of your minds and now you want to criticise!!!!

If he actually believes there is an issue then your DP needs to speak to the grandmother, get off his backside and sort it out. 2 yrs ago he left and he is only now having an ON....., speaks volumes really. Believe me looking after a child on your own is hard work, when you do not have psychological issues. I am as hard as nails but being a single parent has brought me to my knees on more than one occasion, exhaustion, stress, constantly being the one responsible, sole decision maker, no support, criticism from the OW, everyone giving me advice on how to parent my DCs = but not actually giving me a hand etc etc etc. You are in position nor is your DP until you have walked that walk.

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