Lose/lose situation with 19yr old

[Troublelovesme5]

Hi there. Grateful for any advice on the following, or even a firm talking to / reality check..!

My SS – 19 next month – is a Nice Boy; an only child, introverted (which is fine) and has never displayed any energy, motivation or enthusiasm about anything and has never been ‘a talker’. Has had many opportunities to take up activities or travel – hasn’t taken any up. Has few friends, but appears to be content in his own company (which is good). Flunked exams at 17, which he’s now re-sat. Then announced doesn’t want to go to uni and has deferred place.

I really want SS to leave home now – so he can develop as a person and yes! for my own selfish reasons. His father also wants him to come out from his bedroom and engage in the world but facilitates him to do nothing – by giving him money, generally making his life too comfortable.

SS looking for jobs now (though still in bed as I write!). I get very stressed out finding opportunities / advice for him, which he doesn’t follow up. And I get very stressed out when I leave it to my partner and SS’s mother. They appear to leave it all to SS who, based on past evidence, isn’t capable of finding opportunities for himself.

This morning I’m resolved to back out and leave it to my partner and SS’s mother. Either way I feel I ‘lose’, but this way, I avoid any more conflict with SS. But I’m anxious that SS will still be in his bedroom doing nothing this time next year. Partner keen that I stay involved but I think that’s so that he doesn’t end up stressed out like I am.

I’ve lived with his father since SS’s birth and we've always shared him 50/50 with this mother. But I don’t at this moment feel close to him and am starting to actively resent him. Generally feel like a proper WSM these days.

[swingofthings]

I think you are doing the right thing to back out. Have you been honest with your OH that you would like your SS to go for your selfish reasons (you're entitled to them) and explained why?

I think you would do better to be honest rather than coming across pushy on the basis that you think leaving home would be best for him. It is then up to your OH to discuss with you whether he agrees or not and why not.

To be honest, if my OH told me that he wanted my children out of the door when they finished they A levels, I would be quite upset as it would almost across as if he couldn't wait for this time to come. In the end, children should leave home when it is the right time for them, however, I do agree that them staying home doing nothing (not working, not actively looking for work, not studying) should not be an option.

What is parents should be doing is understand his lack of motivation. Is he not bothered, lazy, depressed, confused, scared, depressed? At 19, he should be full of enthusiasm at the prospect of doing something with his life, so the fact he isn't needs to be understood better.

[Wdigin2this]

Well, we never had any of our DC living with us as they were grown when we met, but I have to admit, (also for selfish reasons) that I wouldn't want any of the DSC living with us now!
However, as Swing says, if it were my DC, and my DH wanted them gone I wouldn't be happy! So, you have to understand how difficult this is for your DH, you're right to back off from conflict with your DSS, but I think a frank discussion with his father, about how things will go from here on, is needed!
I don't think it would be wise or fair to expect him to leave, BUT if he's staying then it can't be on the same basis as now. He has to look for full time work, if he's definitely not going to Uni, he has to pay lodge, and he has to muck in a bit with the household chores....then he can stay in his (properly cleaned) room for as long as likes!

[Biglettuce]

Why is he living with you full time now, when it was 50/50? His mother should be sharing the responsibility if he's still basically being dependent.

How has it been for the last years with you and DSS? I can imagine an only child being unconsciously babied by parents, once he leaves home your DHs child is gone, he probably doesn't want that.

But it's your house too. You don't need an adult not growing up skulking in the corners. Something has to give. You do. But so does everyone else. And when his child is gone, DH is going to need you.