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Need advice re adult DSS

(25 Posts)
Thelaundrylady Sun 12-Jun-16 20:04:53

Help..! I am losing my mind here.. My 23yr old DSS moved in with my DH, me and our 3 DC aged 15, 9 and 5 in September last year after he split with his girlfriend. It was my suggestion as his mum had refused to have him back.
We have a second reception room which we were going to turn into an adult only zone but gave to him as a bedroom.
He has 2 DD's aged 2 & 3 who I love to bits and whom we agreed to have every weekend. This meant that my 9 year old DS has to share a bedroom with my 5 year old DS at weekends limiting his ability to have friends over for sleepovers but it has worked reasonably well.
This was supposed to be a temporary arrangement whilst he got back on his feet.
However fast forward 9 months and he's showing no signs of moving on at all.. Me and DH spend every weekend looking after DC and DGC whilst he plays on his Xbox. He works full time and pays £40 per week board (which he thinks is too much) but he eats more than £40 in food per week.
If I ask him to pick up a loaf or some milk on the way home he expects us to reimburse him and he also expects us to do his cooking as well as for his DD''s. He doesn't help around the home at all and it's starting to cause arguments between me and DH.
When he's not at work he spends all his time playing on his Xbox and if we ask him to do anything we get a mouthful of abuse.
We also found out recently from a neighbour that whilst we where on holiday he was smoking weed in the back garden which I was furious about.
I really feel that he needs man up , start behaving like a grown man and a dad and move out now. I want to give him a deadline but DH thinks I'm being harsh. WWYD?
Apologies for the long post but I didn't want to drop feed smile

MariaSklodowska Sun 12-Jun-16 20:07:09

You know the answer already,
His rent needs doubling at least,

Thelaundrylady Sun 12-Jun-16 20:21:55

That's a good idea at least it might encourage him to move out .

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sun 12-Jun-16 20:25:54

Get a form for council housing and leave it on his bed along with a letter giving him 28 days notice. He's a grown man with children of his own - time to grow up.

Thelaundrylady Sun 12-Jun-16 20:34:50

I'm going to ring the council in the morning to get the ball rolling. Much as DH and I love our DGC our younger DC need and deserve our time too

Thelaundrylady Sun 12-Jun-16 21:19:19

OMG my 15 year old DD has had 2 friends round for GCSE revision today - I have just literally found out that they have been in her room drinking Vodka supplied by DSS !! One of her friends is completed pissed and vomiting - this is the absolute last straw !! He is out

Fairylea Sun 12-Jun-16 21:23:55

Honestly I think you need to get harsh and give him notice to leave. He has a job and children that need supporting - he needs to grow up. He is working full time, he can afford to rent somewhere, even if it's just a room / flat share.

NotAnotherHarlot Sun 12-Jun-16 21:25:48

I think you know why his girlfriend kicked him out.

Get shot. Time he grew up.

NotAnotherHarlot Sun 12-Jun-16 21:26:40

I just noticed his Mum refused to have him back. NO WONDER!

MariaSklodowska Sun 12-Jun-16 21:40:25

" this is the absolute last straw "

that is really bad, he needs to go now.

Thelaundrylady Sun 12-Jun-16 23:06:06

My DH is working a night shift tonight but I have just told him what has happened and he agrees with me that he needs to go - he's furious and has told his so.
I have said that our DGC are still welcome every weekend whist he finds a suitable place but he needs to go this week.

Thelaundrylady Sun 12-Jun-16 23:09:23

NotAnotherHarlot - his ex and his mum have clearly been more sensible than me !

swingofthings Mon 13-Jun-16 08:43:50

You're not harsh. He is using you and being a lazy father. He is still young and can change his way, but will probably only do so if he has no choice. He needs to go and learn real life.

MeridianB Mon 13-Jun-16 10:37:46

Sheeeeeeeesh!! This is possibly the worst scenario I have read on this board.

Lost for words other than: kick him out TODAY.

PS If you have DGC every weekend, won't he be there with them expecting free meals and service? Time to set some new rules around visits and I wouldn't ever leave him alone with either of your DCs.

TheHobbitMum Mon 13-Jun-16 10:46:49

You've been more than generous! He's behaved appallingly and should be gone within 24hrs. You shouldn't have to deal with this!

Wdigin2this Mon 13-Jun-16 12:30:49

OMG, how did you explain that to the girl's parents??! shock
Of course he needs to go, no negotiations! And I would limit the DGC to EOW too....your DC also need you and your time!

Thelaundrylady Mon 13-Jun-16 19:51:40

Thank you all - he has gone.. It has caused massive arguments with DH but I'm not backing down. It's time he bloody well grew up angry
Apparently we are never going to be allowed to see DGC ever again - we'll see !
Fortunately my DD's friends parents are good friends of mine and where fantastic about the whole sorry mess.
I have had messages from DSS's mother asking me to reconsider as she's really worried about him - my answer, if you're that worried get him to live with you.!
He has abused my trust in the most awful way and he will never be left alone with his younger siblings ever again

Thelaundrylady Mon 13-Jun-16 19:57:50

I spoke to my sister in law (DH's older sister) this afternoon. She agrees completely with what I've done and would have done the same herself. She going to give DSS and DH hell grin

Fairylea Mon 13-Jun-16 20:41:55

You've definitely done the right thing. I love the fact you told his mum to take him back then! grin

Go you! flowers

Thelaundrylady Mon 13-Jun-16 21:15:49

Fairylea - thank you lol.. Funny but she didn't reply to that message ! She has messaged me to tell me that he is sleeping in his car in tesco carpark tonight.
I said why don't you tell him to drive to a hotel ? Emotional blackmail doesn't work for me grin

DontMindMe1 Mon 13-Jun-16 21:52:33

Me and DH spend every weekend looking after DC and DGC

so what is going to change when the dgc come round on weekends now? You need to break that habit of taking care of his responsibilities. When he brings the dgc around then you insist on him playing with them and looking after them - if he doesn't then refuse to let him come round with the kids. he's only using the threat of never seeing them again as a way of forcing you to back down - stick to your guns.

MariaSklodowska Mon 13-Jun-16 21:55:03

totally agree - I mean it would be OK if he was bringing the little ones round for a visit, but bringing them round so that you can look after them and cook for them all? No way. He became a real adult the day he had a kid.

Thelaundrylady Tue 14-Jun-16 06:24:01

You're right we do need new ground rules for DGC . Every other weekend would be a good start.
The issue we have with DSS is the he does not see that he's done anything wrong he just thinks I'm being a bitch . He is an incredibly immature 23 year old and until he can accept responsibility for his actions and behaviour he is not welcome back in my home.
I feel awful because my younger boys love their big brother but at the minute he is not a role model and I can't risk his attitude rubbing off on them.

blueskyinmarch Tue 14-Jun-16 09:49:54

It makes me so sad when some young people have children before they have even managed to learn to look after themselves. Tough love is definitely the way to go here and you are absolutely right to have told him to go. He has broken your trust and adds nothing to your household. I feel very sorry for his DC having him for a father. I hope he manages to grow up a bit and step up to his responsibilities instead of dumping them on others.

( disclaimer - i am not talking about all young people/parents here but I am a social worker and see many such situations as OP is describing)

Wdigin2this Tue 14-Jun-16 10:02:42

Well done you!!!! star !!
It must have been incredibly difficult and awkward for you, and I hope your DH is on board with you, even though I understand completely how upsetting it must be for him! I have seen young people behave similarly in my life and family, and I know it's almost a right of passage through teen years, to be selfish and stroppy...but he's a grown man, who will now have to take responsibility for his own, and his DC's lives!
Whatever you do, don't relent and allow him back...you don't want to go through this again!

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