Dss erratic behaviour

[Whatafrickennightmare]

DSS 7 has started with really erratic behaviour. He has been lashing our at our 2 year old taking things of him and being very un kind with his choice of words to him and now ds is starting to repeat things he's saying. I am expecting and dss mother is also expecting. Dss also has a sibling at his mum's house whom she says he treats, in the same way. She says he is like a bully to her.
We all get along fine and dh and dss mum often speak on phone to discuss the behavior so each is in the know of what's been going on.
We have been away for a few nights in half term dss as told off by me for being rude and I told him I was taking his ds away as punishment. He then told me he hated me, and proceeded to punch the walls. He then left the room and ran away from us out of sight.
We are at our wits end with him we can see he is frustrated with the situation, but we don't know what to do about it. He gets a lot of time alone with each parent.
Dss mum has suggested changing contact to her having him through the week us at weekends unless she has something planned. Dh has said no as he thinks it will end up being sporadic contact. Currently we have him 3-4 nights a week.
What is the solution here ? I feel like upping and going the stress is starting to take its toll.

[swingofthings]

How long as it been going on for? Maybe it's just end of term tiredness. Kids have ups and downs and at times are more difficult than others. Continue to discipline him appropriately whilst encouraging to express himself.

How old is the sibling at home? Just one thought, toddlers can be extremely annoying to older siblings, so if he gets it at both home and with you, and then he's got the prospect of yet two more adding to it, that in itself can be enough to annoy him. Do you make sure that your toddler doesn't pester him?

[Wdigin2this]

He's piggy in the middle really isn't he? His sibling at his mum's lives with both parents, as does his sibling at yours....but he doesn't!
Maybe he feels as if he doesn't really belong anywhere, whilst all his siblings have a regular 24/7 life in one home....might be difficult for a 7 year old to accept, especially as he is aware that there are to be more children in the mix!
Of course, he can't be allowed to carry on abusing the other DC, but I don't think simply disciplining him will work...it's more likely to cause further resentment! Perhaps all four adults in this scenario need to seek professional advice on how to handle this, rather than the child being councelled?

[Whatafrickennightmare]

I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is for him! Who would you go to for professional help ? Both his siblings adore him and follow him around so maybe that is annoying for him too.

[Wdigin2this]

Get in touch with social care in your area, there are various set ups for helping families to deal with all kinds of scenarios.

[VimFuego101]

I do think you should give some thought to whether the 50/50 contact is really working. I can see why he might find it difficult to slot in to each household when there are other children in each home full time. It would be a shame for you to see him less, though.

[Wdigin2this]

I wondered about the 50/50 set up, maybe he's just fed up of the nomadic life style!

[Whatafrickennightmare]

It would be a shame to see him less but really we need to do what's best for dss not for dh and I. And maybe him having more time at his dm house will be that. Dh is arranging for the four 'parents ' to get get together with dss to discuss where to go from here.
Luckily we live within a mile of each other and quite often dss will ask to go to the others house which is fine not a problem. Soon he's going to be at an age where he can just do as he pleases.
Thanks for all your replies I have no one to talk to in RL apart from dh.

[VimFuego101]

It's a huge positive that you can all sit down and talk together, and that he has free access to the other parent's house if he wants.

[lookluv]

For pity's sake the kis is not abusing the other children - he is behaving like a lot of siblings do to each other. Right or wrong - that is the life of families.

I think it is great that you all communicate well, but he is the onyl one of the kids in his two family world who ahs to move around, the other two have stable mum and dad and he gets a bit of mum and a bit of dad, new rules and two bloody annoying toddlers aorund the place.

My 2 fight each other, but when there half sib is around they do the same - it is not ABUSE.

Ask him what he wants, he is 7 in an adult world for emotions and relationships, you may be surprised what he says is quite simple and fixable. Mine wanted to see Dad more and not have to share him with their step sibs when they did. WEre OK with their younger half sib, but because fo the age gap still wanted to have a few days without him around.