partner feels guilty

[Mrsmopnotbucket]

Hi all,

I recently started a relationship with a lovely man. I have children and so does he, this is the first relationship since splitting from the children's other parents.
My children are at home with me a large amount of time and go to their dad's every other weekend. My partner has his children every weekend.
The problem is he is feeling guilty about spending more time with my children than his own, I've looked online and this seems to be a common issue at the start of a relationship like ours, I guess my question is does anyone have experience of the situation or any advice?
Thanks

[Stardust160]

Not a lot you can do with the situation unfortunately this happens when your relationship breaks down. I'm sure his DC might feel upset that they see their dad with your DC. I think these are normal. I would just suggest he be a good dad.

[supermariossister]

I think there isn't much you can do really if that is how things are, ds is here full time and I'm sure my schildren feel the same sometimes that he is spending time with dad I just try to give them space to spend time together when they are here as well as doing things all together

[Wdigin2this]

That's the thing, in relationship break ups, it's normally the man that leaves the family home, so it's normally the man that doesn't live day to day with his DC.....hence the guilt!
The only way around it, is for split fathers to avoid women with DC of their own!

[HormonalHeap]

I remember my dh also feeling this. Although it's understandable, it's important he just continues to be a good dad and not try and 'make it up to them' letting them get away with murder, but just keep normal boundaries in place. It does take time, but things will settle down.

[Wdigin2this]

That's the point isn't it Hormonal they are always trying to make up for the guilt!

[swingofthings]

Some feel guilty because their kids express their feelings that they miss their dad, others do it as a matter of principle even though the kids are fine with the situation. It's important to differentiate the two.

[HormonalHeap]

Exactly Wdigin. I may feel guilty for my choice of my children's (useless) dad, but I don't let them walk all over me because of it!

Swing, why would they feel guilty as a matter of principle? I don't get that, do they feel they owe it to their kids to feel guilty?!

[swingofthings]

Because they assume that because they broke the family, and therefore are not there for their children every day, they are letting them down and feel guilty when actually, the children are fine with it.

I have a colleague who goes on and on how guilty he feels because he always wanted to there for his kids every day, to read to them before bed time, help with homework, get up in the night if they have nightmare etc... When I asked him if his children acted upset, he said that there were, as a matter of fact, he was proud of how well they'd adjusted, so I asked him why he felt guilty and his response was that he didn't know, he just did.

[Wdigin2this]

To be honest, I just don't think there's a way around it. If a father feels guilty about not being in his DC's lives 24/7...then he just does, irrespective of how well or otherwise the DC deal with it!