Advanced search

Not sure I can do this anymore

(17 Posts)
supermariossister Thu 02-Jun-16 18:53:07

And I don't know how to feel better, I love my ss and sd and really enjoy being part of their lives. Appreciate that it can't always be easy for their mum but she includes me and makes me feel valued as a part of their lives and in that respect I am very lucky but I feel exhausted, I suffer with anxiety and am trying to get it under control so am not working at the minute - me and dp are keeping on but we are skint and it's having an effect on us, he is grumpy and distant working hard and not seeing any improvement with hours being cut , I feel like a burden on him right now and as though I'm just an inconvenience in his life. He is very stubborn and doesn't recognise that I'm not the only one to blame and that I'm trying hard to not nag but feel as though noone is interested in me unless I'm paying for something or cleaning. I really miss how things used to be, I don't want to go but similarly I don't want to live like this either sad

DontMindTheStep Thu 02-Jun-16 20:37:41

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time.

Are you exhausted because of being a step mum? Or is it a mix of money worries and mental health issues?

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 02-Jun-16 20:39:54

Oh OP, I'm sorry you're having such a crappy time of it. No advice but a hand hold if that helps.

Is your current thinking down to the DSC or more your own struggles at the moment and your relationship with your DP? It sounds like the DSC part could be one of the more positive aspects of life?

If it's not a daft question, have you tried to talk to your DP about how you're feeling and how you need him to be kind and supportive, not demanding and chippy?

supermariossister Thu 02-Jun-16 21:19:28

Thanks for being kind to me, you are right they are a positive,don't get me wrong there is the usual step family issues that we all have but I think it's just a crux of everything all hitting at once. But there seems to be that much to tackle I don't know where to start. Have had a long chat with dp tonight but we will see, things seem to get better and then go back to the usual - I am not a very material folk but everything comes back to money lately. Not sure dp understands how bad the anxiety can get, he just thinks I'm over the top.

lateforeverything Thu 02-Jun-16 22:18:47

Sorry you're feeling down... cakechocolate

How long have you been with dp and how old are his kids?

supermariossister Thu 02-Jun-16 22:46:25

6 years, no kids together, ds is 8, ss an sd 12 and 13. The kids actually get on really well it's me who's chasing my tail trying to keep everyone happy. Ds can be really all for me dp works nights when his kids aren't here and is here when they are so ds automatically comes to me for most things and dp gets frustrated that he doesn't go to him for things/ listens to me more, not sure what we can do to change that though

lateforeverything Thu 02-Jun-16 23:00:54

it's me who's chasing my tail trying to keep everyone happy.

This is where you're going 'wrong'. Easier said than done but try to take a step back realise that you're not solely responsible for everyone's happiness.

Find something that you can focus on out of the house like a hobby (if money tight maybe jogging instead of the gym for example) to try and regain some perspective.


supermariossister Thu 02-Jun-16 23:26:48

Thanks, it's hard isn't it when you know that there are so many people to balance who are totally different. I volunteer at the minute but it's not that relaxing as it's another group of people to keep happy and worry about so the own hobby might be a way to go!

lateforeverything Thu 02-Jun-16 23:31:17

And at least the kids get on, that's a huge plus!

I've only got one dss (who lives with us full time and is a joy) and a husband to think about and I used to worry/over-think quite a lot despite it only being the three of us(!) so I do get where you're coming from!

supermariossister Thu 02-Jun-16 23:46:51

I think it's easily done, they are lucky to have you and you them so it feels like you should make everything perfect for everyone not always achievable I guess!

lateforeverything Thu 02-Jun-16 23:57:29

Exactly... that's why it's important to keep a bit of perspective and think about the bigger picture. Otherwise you will wind yourself up and burn out.... then you'll be no use to anyone wink

Emeralda Fri 03-Jun-16 08:00:04

Are you getting help with the anxiety currently? Is there anything that has helped in the past that you could do again?
It sounds like you're trying to keep everyone happy and you are getting a bit lost in that. It also sounds like you feel like you're constantly not meeting other's expectations, whether they are spoken or not spoken. How about stepping off the treadmill for 15-30 minutes every day? Do something entirely for yourself that doesn't involve anyone else. A pampering batb or showeer,a walk outside, a wander round a favourite shop.You need to recharge your batteries.

supermariossister Fri 03-Jun-16 10:24:10

Not really in terms of help the doctors sent me through to the mental health team and I went on a stress relief course for 6 weeks with a group of others - I missed two weeks couldn't physically force myself out the door but found some of the techniques helpful. That finished end of April. I do try to do things for myself need to stick to it though and not decide to do something else. I am pretty hard on myself and things haven't worked out the way I imagined. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me, I was in a state yesterday and sometimes family are too close to the situation aren't they.

Emeralda Fri 03-Jun-16 15:50:59

If the anxiety is still affecting you, would you consider going back to the mental health team or the GP again to see what else is on offer? 4 group stress relief sessions sounds like a start but if you're not feeling better, you might have to ask for something different. There are usually different things on offer (individual, group, counselling, CBT). Different things will help at different times and sometimes you need to wait for a bit. But if you don't ask, they'll probably assume you don't need help. It can be easy to fall into the trap of 'I'll feel better when X happens" but that doesn't always work, unfortunately.

supermariossister Fri 03-Jun-16 16:05:22

I don't really know what to say to them to be honest, I found the group really challenging having to go each week and be with a group of people I don't know but hey seem reluctant to do much other than group things when dc are back in school this week I am going to go back and try to put into words how I've been feeling and that I need some help. It worries me that they will think I'm not capable in looking after dc but the problem is being too much I can never wind down.

Emeralda Sun 05-Jun-16 14:42:35

What you say to them should depend on what you want to get from it and whether you're going to see them again. The GP or anyone else will want to know "big picture" stuff like whether your eating or sleeping is affected and what the anxiety is stopping you doing (for example working, going out of the house or certain situations). If you're going to be seeing someone like a therapist for a number of sessions, talk to them about how you're feeling on a day-to-day basis. If you don't feel something is working for you, tell them that as it gives them a chance to change it. You might have to go back more than once and push for something different, which is hard when you're feeling crap anyway. You can fall into the "if it's not working, it must be me" traps like "I mustn't be doing it right" or "I must be beyond help" but that's the anxiety talking.

Groups aren't for everyone but at least you've got it for now. If you decide it's not for you, you could say it's not for you and ask who to speak to about getting individual support. If the mental health team can't help, you may have to go back to the GP or ask if there are any local organisations offering counselling.

Do you think you're not capable of looking after DC? Does anyone who knows you think that? If not, that could be the anxiety talking too.

Your post made me think about how hard it is to get support when it's related to "step stuff". The people who usually support you when you need it might be involved themselves (eg DP). People outside the situation (eg friends and family) might not have any step experience (I don't have any friends in RL in the same situation, though I know a couple of colleagues who are). Even ifpeople have experience of it, every step situation is so different. This board has been a lifesaver for me in times of step-stress.

Sorry about the essay. Hope you're doing ok.

supermariossister Mon 06-Jun-16 14:56:47

Sorry ive taken a while to reply we we really busy yesterday but it was a lovely day, I am actually feeling a lot more positive having had a long discussion with dp about how things are we have both straightened out some things that are bothering us and some that we both should let go. I have been out and stocked up so am about to meal plan i find we have so much less moaning when everyone knows whats going on and theres no fussing about with people wanting different things. I feel a bit more in control today but im cautious to think itll stay like this. Dp said that when im in a bad mood everyone else is too because ill nag at them but im hoping now ive explained he will understand that a lot of the time it doesnt need to get to that point if everyone helps out a bit. I think I can and do look after the dc well, they mean the world to me - The problem i think is that i will put their needs above all else and constantly feel guilty for wanting any time out or spending money elsewhere when things are tight. People who know me tell me i worry about them too much and it will do them no harm to wait for something or for me to go somewhere without them! Ive taken steps to do that this week dp has dealt with more and ds went out with cousins for most of the afternoon yesterday.

Havent seen sc all week they have been away and im really looking forward to everyone being home which is a good feeling after being close to staying at my dads the beginning of last week.

How is everyone? enjoying the weather or fed up of it now, i am enjoying it but mariodog1 really is not

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now