discipline

[texasmom2010]

ok so my sd lives half an hour away from us ive been married to my husband for 10 years that is about 3/4 of my sd's lifetime my relationship with my husbands ex has never been a good one I cam along a year after they divorced but she has always told people I was the reason they split so im thinking maybe she has lied and told my sd that as well, now that sd is a teenager things have gotten really tough her mom has never disciplined her and my husbands discipline is weak he jokes around with her instead of really telling her anything she has no respect for him and she thinks im so strict but im really not I make my kids do chores in the summer but since she doesn't live with us I don't giver her chores but I do ask that she clean up after herself. my husband has no trouble dispininlg my kids bc they live with us but he is terrified to tell her anything so my kids get to clean up after he huge messes or I do when I get home from working full time im very aggravated I know if my husband would put his foot down my relationship with my sd would flourish but I feel like im drowning right now and im worried that my kids will resent me as well everyone is tense when she is here

[swingofthings]

So what exactly does she need to be disciplined for? Just not to make a mess? Where does she make a mess? In her bedroom, communal rooms?

In the end, if her mum and dad agree in the way they want to discipline her, you can't really impose your ways just because you think it is better and how you want to discipline your own kids. You shouldn't have to clear up after her, nor should their kids, so either demand that your OH do it on her behalf or have a talk to her about doing it.

[OutToGetYou]

"In the end, if her mum and dad agree in the way they want to discipline her, you can't really impose your ways just because you think it is better"

Well, you do have a right to expect certain standards in your own house. Usually you discuss it and agree what those standards are - like no eating in bedrooms, rubbish goes in the bin, dirty crockery goes in the dishwasher etc. Simple things and not onerous standards but I would expect anyone in my house to do that - dss doesn't do it, I don't care if his mum and dad disagree with me, I think he should and I tell him to.

But this is a very common theme - dads not wanting to discipline because they don't see the kids enough and are afraid they will stop coming if things aren't perfect. Add in that she is a teenager and it's all pretty horrible.

There's not much to be done if the dad won't back you up. Talk to him about it all.

Also, try to only focus on things that affect you/your home - not whether they have their elbows on the table (for example). Not that I have managed this yet!

[Biglettuce]

I agree with Out - most tension for SMs comes from a well meaning but misplaced 'you are not the parent so butt out' attitude.

As a SM you are forced into a semi parental role, whether you like it, whether the kids like it. Because you are the adult, you are the provider, it is your house too, and the child is still dependent. Ignoring that is just not workable.

Having said that - it's not the same as a parent. You haven't got the same ability to influence, big life decisions or schooling etc are all your DSCs parents responsibility, not yours. And you may meet resistance from a resentful 'you are not my parent' attitude from a confused child who will look to their own parents first for rules.

So it may be wise to step back from as much as you can stomach, but set a few simple rules to your DSD that are about the house - actively ask for her cooperation and talk to her as much as you can - explain that you know that you are not her parent, you know her Dad is pretty laid back, but that there are some things that are important to you and it is your house too - the one that I presume you pay for, you clean, you manage. Treat your DSD as an adult, respectfully, but keep constant on those few rules and keep telling her the reasons why it is important to keep tension low in the house. It really is worth doing some nice things for her regularly to let her know that as well as rules, that you also care about her.

[Biglettuce]

P.s. I know that your DP should back you up, of course he should.

But in my experience, waiting around for your DP to transform into a strong parent will take so long your DSD will be an adult by the time he does. So what do you do? Leave DP? Become wallpaper in the house?

Your only real option is to tackle this one to one with your DSD.

[PintofWineForMe]

I think that what would annoy me about this situation is that your DP is happy to discipline your children but not his own? Doesn't this imbalance cause issues for your own kids? They must see that they get told off by your DP but he doesn't apply the same rules to his DD when she comes.

[Heavens2Betsy]

"In the end, if her mum and dad agree in the way they want to discipline her, you can't really impose your ways just because you think it is better"
But a step family will never work if there are 2 sets of roles for different kids.
If your DP wants his DC to be part of your family he will have to compromise and you both need to set the same rules for all the DC

[Wdigin2this]

And, you'll probably find that even when DSC grow to adulthood, a DisneyDad is always a DisneyDad!

[WSM123]

I have learned to back up what my DP says (prob more forcefully than him) but if he doesn't say it first there isn't much point. eg. he says go get dressed and make your bed and the older to help the younger. I then say, neither of you came out until you are both dressed and both beds made, which "encourages" the older one to help. But if I said that stand alone, even tho its simple and necessary then I'm wrong. so in your case if her asks her to clean something up and she hasn't by a certain time then maybe giver her a warning and subsequent consequence (but ONLY if he asked her first) hope that makes sense and helps.

[swingofthings]

But a step family will never work if there are 2 sets of roles for different kids.
If your DP wants his DC to be part of your family he will have to compromise and you both need to set the same rules for all the DC
I agree, but what should it only be DP who should compromise? Surely it is a two way street and maybe OP needs to compromise too?

[PoachedPair]

It's a difficult topic. My DH and I go to a counsellor on a regular basis to talk through our issues on SC, and it's very helpful to have an independent point of view on it. Takes the emotion out. I do recommend giving that a go :) good luck!